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for Broken Dreams

11/2/2002 c5 23Platypi
It really is enjoyable and powerful, and I love the characters, the fact that they're interesting and likable yet irreperably flawed! I remember liking it when you first showed it to me, but you've done something to it to make me really get into it, and make it hard for me to make this a critique rather than an outpouring of compliments and love! I'm glad you took out/altered (i can't remember) a scene I thought was boring upon first reading - it really is tight and everything is enjoyable now.

Other thoughts - thought one line about Angel (...No need to waste time concentrating on her.) kinda turned me off because it made it seem like a relationship between the two of them was inevitable, and I involuntarily hate it when literature is predictable in that way, but that's just my biased opinion. Also, I must admit that the name "Stormina" sounds forced. But I love the other names, especially "Esmeraude"! What a cool name! And the name "Nicole" adds such sweetness for such an interesting character!

I also was wondering why Nathaniel didn't get mentioned before his appearance - if he's such a central character to Storm's life, I think she'd at least think about him once in 4 whole chapters. I just wish I heard about him more before his debut. In other news: OH MY GOD. You don't know how hard I laughed when I saw, as the character was being introduced, the name "Nathianel" and the word "jerk" in the same sentence. Is this coincidence? And the fact that his name ends with an "ing"? Similar to "Otting?" Seems to me, not.

So I am SO interested in reading more of this amazing story and its likable characters, and am thrilled that you've made so much progress with it already! Excellent!
10/16/2002 c5 1Ewacat
Okay, this has real promise. The concept seems really familiar from somewhere (a book or something), except instead of going sci-fi it's going fantasy. Good twist.

I have two problems with it. Firstly, you have an introspective vaguely rebellious narrator who seems oxymoronic in herself; her actions have nothing to do with what she thinks or believes. A little bridging of the gap - a few random off-tangent thoughts might do it - and the character might seem more real. Plus, since Nathaniel is obviously an important person, I'd have thought he'd've featured in his thoughts a lot more.

Leading on from that, this is very well written. What the style needs is fleshing out - it needs elaborating on and more detailed thoughts, feelings and surroundings. Nicole is the best developed character here (apart from Angel - everyone knows someone like that ^_~) and it shows from her selected one-liners, but her description lacked depth. Actually, the one thing this story has in abundance so far is depth, but it needs describing and clarification to make it feel more personal. If something bad happened to one of the characters at this stage it wouldn't affect the reader.

Otherwise, it's good. Little grammar problems and the name 'Stormina' is slightly irritating (call her Tempesta or something, so 'Storm' could be a translation of her real name and therefore her nickname). I like this a lot. Write more soon, k? ^_^;;;
10/15/2002 c5 9januaryisforever
DUDE! I totally love it! FWEE! (Mixture between funky and wee, FYI.) Very cool... I'm glad you and Queeny are finally putting up STUFF! ^_^ More, por favor!

~Raven

P.S. Is it just me, or is Nicole a LOT like Amberose?
10/15/2002 c5 20Starlight Rain
In my own self-defense, I'd simply like to say that I wrote the greater portion of this story before I had ever even heard of "Violet Eyes". If my story is so unoriginal that it would appear that I have copied ideas from other books, than I can do nothing but give my sincerest apologies.

Everybody, please do enjoy the story, though! I've put alot of myself into the characters and the plot. Keep on reading ^.~
10/15/2002 c5 13evm
That was pretty good.Maybe you should work on Nathaniel a little bit more. He didn't seem like that much of a jerk. Except for the flipping thing he was pretty cool. Also, I think you are taking ideas from 'Vilolet Eyes'. It isn't that thats bad, I was just noticing it. Way to go on writting 5 more chapters.They are really good! Keep writing!
10/14/2002 c3 evm
Ha.Ha.Ha. ( No,actually it was really funny!)I'm sorry but I can't help but laugh! I loved the serious element in it but you really shouldn't have used my morning ramblings! You followed them so perfectly!(I'm so glad to know that you were paying that close attention.) Since you used them I couldn't help but picture your house when I read this story. When you had Storm walk home with Nicole and catch her reflection in a pool of water I saw in my minds eye a quick snapshot of the corner of your house in a blue winter light. And the part about her leaning out the window and lighting the candles, I imagined your room with lavender walls and almost no furniture. Especially the part where she sneaks out of the house late at night. I imagined the side of your house when you approach the handball wall/playground, except that there was a dark tunnel made all of leafy tree branches. Even though your stoy is supposed to be in autumn, I can't but picture it as a winter story. All throughout I kept imagining the sound of wind blown trees splattering rain. You did an EXCELLENT job! Just make sure to mention to all those innocent little readers of yours ( even though you don't have any yet *cackles insanely*) that the idea of houses having auras,people living in the dark and "Nicole's" views on hot and cold belong to the one and only Amberose and that any one who agrees with these random views should feel free to e-mail her(ooh, it is fun to refer to yourself in third person!) or better yet ( dare I say it?), READ HER STORIES! Thank you *bows* my work here is done!( insert evil laughter here)
10/14/2002 c3 2Saranha de Angelo
You posted! Goody! I like your characters, even though there aren't that many yet, and I was intrigued when you mentinoed the "jerk" and the "rebel". You have really strong images. I like your descriptions. Cool! Keep posting!
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