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4/19/2004 c1 25Master Chief
wow... this is interesting. I don't know if this plays off of another one of your stories or if this is standalone, but this is going to make me read more. This is a really good introduction and fits its purpose perfectly. On to the next chapter...
M.C.
7/1/2003 c1 3Christine Fox
Hey, there. Thanks so much for dropping by and reviewing my story "The Last Cry." (I get a lot of reviews for that one 'cause it's so short and the rest of my stuff is so... not-short.) Thought I'd return the favor.

General Comments:

Love the spirit and flow of this intro. I am looking forward to seeing how this epic story will unfold, for that is what I feel like you're preparing me for. Also, I get the impression your heros have lost, for this seems to be a correction of history (written, of course, by the winners).

You seem to have a very good understanding of how to make things not trite or boring. Also, distincly lacking the infantile/unprofessional feel so many fp.n stories have.

Okies. Let the games begin:

1. "imperacide." Hmm... If you meant "the slaying of an empire," I think it would be spelled "empiricide." Unless I'm wrong. Which has been known to happen more often than not.

2. Be sure to check for spelling errors your checker might not pick up. i.e., I saw "peace," when it should have been "piece."

3. You wrote:

You have given him the titles butcher, monster, and many other names which are so very undeserving.

Grammatically, in this context, "undeserving" is describing the names, not him, implying that they are understatements, not wild inaccuracies.

4. Your use of quotes indicating the irony of 'enlightenment' and so forth are a little over-used, I think, albeit properly and consistantly. Your narrator's disdain for the government is evident enough without them all over the place.

5. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE your Candle speech about the inferno of knowledge... FABULOUS!

6. From here on out, it's absolutely wonderful, though before it, I think it could use a little tightening up with the cunning use of combining and re-ordering paragraphs.

My nit-picky suggestions aside, it is a spectacular beginning.

Will read (and review) more soon...
2/13/2003 c4 6SurfingSpider
Reading a history on the French revolution, it was interesting to see how you've done yours.

I'm not quite sure 'who is' telling? this chapter, at the end pov changes to 'we' - a person of a group, but who? and how did this person get all the real run down on what the emporer was like, history etc. if the exposition is more general pov, the change at the end needs a cleaner break

sol becoming a rebel is airly important. a dedicated soldier, i really want to know why he broke away. the conflicting emotions would have had to be tremendous. the few paras on him just aren't enough! i want meat, detail! grr _
2/11/2003 c4 43Schizophrenic Doll
I must say I'm definately intrigued. I love the last line... "freedom's last stand was great, but the darkness we faced was greater by far" that was an excellent way to end the chapter. Definately I'm giving you two thumbs up once again. Keep it up!

~Never willing to cave into others' beliefs just to fit in...Tyche Shadows~
2/9/2003 c2 19britt-lipy
HEY! I am so sorry it has taken me this long to come back and read on ... sorry, sorry, sorry. Anyway, usually I simply give praise in my reviews, but I think, judging by your writing talents, that you are in fact a writer, and would like to improve your writing every chance you can get. (And take this as a compliment, because I only nit-pick writing that I really like).

1. I think maybe some of your description of things that the reader needs to know, but that the characters already know, takes away from the story. It's like story, story, story, BIG EXPLINATION, story, story, story. I would suggest finding subtle ways to describe characters, situations, through actions, or dialogue.

2. First, I have to say I LOVE YOUR WORD CHOICE. Buuuuut, every now and they you have repetitive words very close to each other, and in the midst of your otherwise amazing choices, it sticks out. (e.g. "Sir, I didn't-" He stopped RATHER quickly, when a RATHER low growl emerged from the depths of my throat ... managed to get the barracks on either side of his ready on TIME for the rather unreasonable TIME of the inspection) You get the idea

3. Hehehe, just a really nit-picky thing, and very specific. When you are describing how long they were there training, you mention 5 months Fleet time, 8 months Sal's time, and 11 of Sol's time, it means nothing to us. I would maybe say something about a human recruit complaining how long the days were or something, to get the time set to us, THEN you can state the difference in the character's time.

Anyway, after all that I just want to say that I love your writing! And I hope that you take what I say as a compliment. But if you don't want these kind of reviews just let me know, and I'll stop, but I think that someone as talented as you will really want to improve the craft (hehehe that sounded all professional). And know that I don't think I'm so perfect of a writer to be telling you all of this either, I struggle with the same things, that's probably why I can spot them out.
2/7/2003 c4 1Fulcrum
This was really good. Very interesting. I hope that you continue this very soon. Kepp writing.
2/7/2003 c4 psychochick
Yep, beta's back!

Might want to try and fix the formatting here. It's hard to read as one long paragraph. Word tends to do this, blending them all together. Try double spaces between paragraphs. If you need any help, ask.
1/5/2003 c3 6SurfingSpider
good. a little brief, but i suspect thats because better is coming.

/\/\ss/\/\
12/2/2002 c3 10Anumati
This is quite a crafted Sci-fi. It has a high amount of realism with the combat statistics and I simply LOVE the names you gave the ships and the speicies ("Suicidal Insanity" was great! I'm glad you explained how it got the name too) - The slang and the cultural nuances weren't half bad either.

I have two big gripes thus far:

1) There's a lot of intelligent conversation, but very little emotion, either in the narrative or in the dialogue.

2) Also, I have a hard time getting to know this character (the narrator) beyond his basic explainations of things (Which leads me to believe he's very calculating and detail-orientated). I realize it's kind of early in the story to have any sort of a fleshed-out character, so I think this criticism is less valid. Good job with his alien-ish customs.

One thing grammar-wise you may want to work on (BTW, excellent vocabulary!):

After he was fully healed, and reported back to the barracks, and I entered in full uniform, he snapped to attention, along with the rest of the Oddball Corps (so called because it was made of officers from the other branches of the Fleet), and offered profuse apologies, even though he was the one who'd spent time in the infirmary.

Let me point out that this is ONE sentence. It bothered me less reading it the second round through the story, but the first time I read it, I kept on coming across sentences like this. I had to read it four or five times to figure out what you were trying to say! The most valuable tool that a writer has is clarity of the thoughts, information, and feeling involved. You have brilliant and wonderful ideas crammed into this story, but just add some more periods here and there to give our brains a brake to digest what you're getting at.

Overall, this is such a wonderful piece of work. The final two lines of the third part made my whole spine shiver:

He'd been chased across the light-years for a great and hideous crime.

He'd shown mercy.

I love it! Bravo!

-The Feather Walker
12/1/2002 c3 10Patrick Gillespie
Pretty good so far. I liked the opening, it did a good job of setting things up, and the start of chapter two added a nice twist to the story.
12/1/2002 c3 7Jeniveela
Good original fan fiction. It's very interesting so far. I liked the opening. I usually don't read sci-fi fan fiction, but since you reviewed my story, I read yours, and I thought it was good so far. ^_^

Thanks for reviewing my original fan fiction. In the second chapter, I'll reveal who 'she' is. Actually, I did reveal who 'she' was. Just read the last word in the prologue, and there's your answer. Thanks for reviewing! I'll keep reading your story too.
11/30/2002 c3 4Dean Franz
It's very nice, I cant think of much to say cause my team just got the crap beaten out of them. Anyway, I hope you keep it up, this is good so far. Sorry I cant think of anything else to say...
11/27/2002 c1 whisper2thewater
Very strong opening! I'm impressed. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. I'm at a lack for words because of this stupid cold. *cough*

Subliminal message: "You will read Shulaca"

Second subliminal message: "You will then review Second Sight"

Well, that was blatant...
11/27/2002 c1 69Lowell Boston
Great opening prologue. Your writing has a Starshield flavor/feel to it. Looking forward to reading the rest of your chapters.

Lowell
11/26/2002 c1 1Fulcrum
I really like this story so far. The history behind it seems very rich, and the story itself is well written and captivating. It seems extremely promising. I also like how it is written in the first person, with a non-human narrator telling the story. Kepp up the good work.
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