for What If8/15/2003 c16 
6annchick1273
WOW. i LOVE the ending. when i reading the part how liv chose hayden over jesse i was so mad but the ending was perfect! :D i absolutely love your story
6annchick1273WOW. i LOVE the ending. when i reading the part how liv chose hayden over jesse i was so mad but the ending was perfect! :D i absolutely love your story
8/15/2003 c3 annchick1273
ahh how i hate amy... and why the hell is liv so freaking nice? lol anyways great story
ahh how i hate amy... and why the hell is liv so freaking nice? lol anyways great story
4/18/2003 c16 44Stormer
-It was because I had always [wondered]. I had [wondered] for so long...-
-I was torn in [two], between love and sorrow.-
-As Jesse and I were on the dance floor, [an] old song came on.-
Now I am done! I liked this ending - and I am glad that when Hayden and she finally broke up it wasn't really over Jesse but over just "stuff". Hehe. Anyway, I want to congratulate you on completing the story. You did a good job of getting me hooked and making me read the entire thing. Now I am wondering where your next story is! This one was updated in January and I don't see the other one anywhere! At least not a long one. Am I imagining it?
44Stormer-It was because I had always [wondered]. I had [wondered] for so long...-
-I was torn in [two], between love and sorrow.-
-As Jesse and I were on the dance floor, [an] old song came on.-
Now I am done! I liked this ending - and I am glad that when Hayden and she finally broke up it wasn't really over Jesse but over just "stuff". Hehe. Anyway, I want to congratulate you on completing the story. You did a good job of getting me hooked and making me read the entire thing. Now I am wondering where your next story is! This one was updated in January and I don't see the other one anywhere! At least not a long one. Am I imagining it?
4/18/2003 c15 Stormer
-"...you probably guessed, I'm [not] stupid."- (typo fixed)
-...seeing the hurt in my best [friend's] eyes.-
My wordy lordy no Narelle! This is a tough one for poor Livvy. But oh well, she'll get there *g* Reading on!
-"...you probably guessed, I'm [not] stupid."- (typo fixed)
-...seeing the hurt in my best [friend's] eyes.-
My wordy lordy no Narelle! This is a tough one for poor Livvy. But oh well, she'll get there *g* Reading on!
4/18/2003 c14 Stormer
-... even [though] the illness would never fully leave her, began to bounce back.- (typo fixed)
-...nd immediately [wondered] how I hadn't noticed, wanting to know more specifics.- (mispelling fixed)
-[Her] eyes fluttered open, and I was amazed to see...- (typo fixed)
-"Amz, I [just] want to say, I'm sorry I wasn't..." (typo fixed)
General comments; I was a bit taken aback by Amy suffering from the same condition as Mel - is there a reason for that, or what? I think it's realistic that something happens to Amy, but was just wondering about your motivation for choosing this kind of something. *g* Okay, reading on!
-... even [though] the illness would never fully leave her, began to bounce back.- (typo fixed)
-...nd immediately [wondered] how I hadn't noticed, wanting to know more specifics.- (mispelling fixed)
-[Her] eyes fluttered open, and I was amazed to see...- (typo fixed)
-"Amz, I [just] want to say, I'm sorry I wasn't..." (typo fixed)
General comments; I was a bit taken aback by Amy suffering from the same condition as Mel - is there a reason for that, or what? I think it's realistic that something happens to Amy, but was just wondering about your motivation for choosing this kind of something. *g* Okay, reading on!
4/18/2003 c13 Stormer
-...which I was pretty sure what Jesse was doing.- I think you can just take out the 'what'. Then it reads better. '...which I was pretty sure Jesse was doing.'
-He slowly turned, as [though] with great difficulty towards me.- (fixed typo)
-...it was my turn to see how it felt when you [were] with someone else.- (typo fixed)
-"...clarified things for me, and helped me [feel] better." (typo fixed)
-But, as always [happens] in life, when one...- (typo fixed)
-...with me, even [though] I was Hayden.- (typo fixed)
General comments: poor Mel :( And oh, poor Jesse, but he is such a babe! Look how selfless he's being! Don't you just despise bad timing? *lol* Then again, I still do love Hayden. And I'm not even Liv! I feel fortunate in a way :P
-...which I was pretty sure what Jesse was doing.- I think you can just take out the 'what'. Then it reads better. '...which I was pretty sure Jesse was doing.'
-He slowly turned, as [though] with great difficulty towards me.- (fixed typo)
-...it was my turn to see how it felt when you [were] with someone else.- (typo fixed)
-"...clarified things for me, and helped me [feel] better." (typo fixed)
-But, as always [happens] in life, when one...- (typo fixed)
-...with me, even [though] I was Hayden.- (typo fixed)
General comments: poor Mel :( And oh, poor Jesse, but he is such a babe! Look how selfless he's being! Don't you just despise bad timing? *lol* Then again, I still do love Hayden. And I'm not even Liv! I feel fortunate in a way :P
4/18/2003 c12 Stormer
-[Your] 2 men are in the corner, Liv-
-fact the two had become first friends.- I assume you meant 'fast friends', not 'first friends'?
-I found [him] alone around the side of the house, leaning against a tree.-
-He was [a] really modest guy, more modest than Jesse.-
-and was [quiet] for a time, giving me an intense stare.- (typo fixed)
-...as I was occupied with Hayden as he drove me home.- Two 'as's, perhaps remove one. So instead, '...because I was occupied with Hayden as he drove me home.'
Not that it really matters now that you have finished the story, but I'll answer your qu: I like Liv and Hayden, I think Hayden's great, but I think Jesse is a sweetie too and it's kinda hard to choose which one Liv should be with *lol* But anyway...
-[Your] 2 men are in the corner, Liv-
-fact the two had become first friends.- I assume you meant 'fast friends', not 'first friends'?
-I found [him] alone around the side of the house, leaning against a tree.-
-He was [a] really modest guy, more modest than Jesse.-
-and was [quiet] for a time, giving me an intense stare.- (typo fixed)
-...as I was occupied with Hayden as he drove me home.- Two 'as's, perhaps remove one. So instead, '...because I was occupied with Hayden as he drove me home.'
Not that it really matters now that you have finished the story, but I'll answer your qu: I like Liv and Hayden, I think Hayden's great, but I think Jesse is a sweetie too and it's kinda hard to choose which one Liv should be with *lol* But anyway...
4/18/2003 c11 Stormer
Take note that while some of the things I say in my reviews are actual corrections, some are just suggestions *s*
-...sounds of the lead [singer's] voice.-
-Hayden picked up on [the] evident bitterness in my voice, [and] said gently...- (changed from 'my' to 'the', and fixed typo)
-He nodded agreed.- 'He nodded in agreement'? Or 'He agreed.' Or 'He nodded his agreement'. Something like that.
-"Especially at they're age."- Should be 'their' not 'they're'.
I really like this chapter :) Then again I like all of them! I may read on if have much time left online - don't wanna get cut off before I can finish a review of a chapter.
Take note that while some of the things I say in my reviews are actual corrections, some are just suggestions *s*
-...sounds of the lead [singer's] voice.-
-Hayden picked up on [the] evident bitterness in my voice, [and] said gently...- (changed from 'my' to 'the', and fixed typo)
-He nodded agreed.- 'He nodded in agreement'? Or 'He agreed.' Or 'He nodded his agreement'. Something like that.
-"Especially at they're age."- Should be 'their' not 'they're'.
I really like this chapter :) Then again I like all of them! I may read on if have much time left online - don't wanna get cut off before I can finish a review of a chapter.
4/18/2003 c10 Stormer
-That group of my best and Jesse's best friends used to get together increasing amount over the past few of years because of Jesse and I, and it felt good.- This sentence confused me immensely *g* I think I get what you are trying to say but it wasn't worded very clearly - I think it was a case of typo madness!
-Jesse treated this similar[ly] to the way...-
-...the realization that first term, and my entire school career, was creeping closer...- I assume you mean 'the realization that the [end of] first term...' or something.
-It was eager for my night with this mystery man to begin.- Did you actually mean 'It was...' or 'I was...'? Wasn't quite clear on that. If it was 'It was...' I assume you were talking about her smile being eager. But anyway...I am still really enjoying reading this. Can't wait to see what happens. I'm glad that Liv is giving Hayden a chance, if only for her own mental wellbeing with the Jesse situation *g* Ok...reading on! *g*
-That group of my best and Jesse's best friends used to get together increasing amount over the past few of years because of Jesse and I, and it felt good.- This sentence confused me immensely *g* I think I get what you are trying to say but it wasn't worded very clearly - I think it was a case of typo madness!
-Jesse treated this similar[ly] to the way...-
-...the realization that first term, and my entire school career, was creeping closer...- I assume you mean 'the realization that the [end of] first term...' or something.
-It was eager for my night with this mystery man to begin.- Did you actually mean 'It was...' or 'I was...'? Wasn't quite clear on that. If it was 'It was...' I assume you were talking about her smile being eager. But anyway...I am still really enjoying reading this. Can't wait to see what happens. I'm glad that Liv is giving Hayden a chance, if only for her own mental wellbeing with the Jesse situation *g* Ok...reading on! *g*
4/18/2003 c9 Stormer
-"She sang in a [friend's] band in the city last night."-
-[H]e pointed over his shoulder...- Just needed a capital letter.
-"...was great[to] see you Liv." (fixed typo)
-yet he eventually did begin to speak, yet knowing me too well, he didn't immediately address the subject of dad.- Two 'yet's, again repetitive. I sound repetitive saying that word all the time don't I? *lol* But anyway...
I love the message from Hayden, even if he did spell 'your' wrong :P He's a funny and cool guy. I love how he called her Rocker Chick. Heehee. Anyway. Reading on!
-"She sang in a [friend's] band in the city last night."-
-[H]e pointed over his shoulder...- Just needed a capital letter.
-"...was great[to] see you Liv." (fixed typo)
-yet he eventually did begin to speak, yet knowing me too well, he didn't immediately address the subject of dad.- Two 'yet's, again repetitive. I sound repetitive saying that word all the time don't I? *lol* But anyway...
I love the message from Hayden, even if he did spell 'your' wrong :P He's a funny and cool guy. I love how he called her Rocker Chick. Heehee. Anyway. Reading on!
4/18/2003 c8 Stormer
-blissful state of sleep by the ringing of [my] mobile.- (added what I assume was a lost word)
-It wasn't anything [too]big, it's just we haven't fought in almost three months.
Also, at that point you just said that it was their first fight, but then you say 'haven't fought in almost three months.'
-But today's our day, you're mine and no-one [else's].- See, you did the 'you're' right this time - I guess it's just the occasional typo that you miss. It's easy to do.
-And thanks for you're encouragement...- OOps! You did it the opposite way now *s*
-"C'mon, [let's] go for a swim!"-
*LOL* this cracked me up: -After a particularly horrible wipeout, I resurfaced, only to hit my head on the surfboard.- Teehee. She's an unco!
-this strange new feeling I felt of needing to impress- A bit clunky or something. Perhaps it should be more like: '...this strange new need I felt to impress...' 'Cause again, feeling a feeling is kind of repetitive.
-sitting [in] front of him on his surfboard...- (fixed a typo)
Ok, I like how this chapter has ended but considering the little I know about her dad, I'm nervous to read on. But you know i will anyway! EEk! *rubs hands together in anticipation*
-blissful state of sleep by the ringing of [my] mobile.- (added what I assume was a lost word)
-It wasn't anything [too]big, it's just we haven't fought in almost three months.
Also, at that point you just said that it was their first fight, but then you say 'haven't fought in almost three months.'
-But today's our day, you're mine and no-one [else's].- See, you did the 'you're' right this time - I guess it's just the occasional typo that you miss. It's easy to do.
-And thanks for you're encouragement...- OOps! You did it the opposite way now *s*
-"C'mon, [let's] go for a swim!"-
*LOL* this cracked me up: -After a particularly horrible wipeout, I resurfaced, only to hit my head on the surfboard.- Teehee. She's an unco!
-this strange new feeling I felt of needing to impress- A bit clunky or something. Perhaps it should be more like: '...this strange new need I felt to impress...' 'Cause again, feeling a feeling is kind of repetitive.
-sitting [in] front of him on his surfboard...- (fixed a typo)
Ok, I like how this chapter has ended but considering the little I know about her dad, I'm nervous to read on. But you know i will anyway! EEk! *rubs hands together in anticipation*
4/17/2003 c7 Stormer
Very mad because I just lost my review - I was posting it and it just didnt post and I couldn't get it back. But anyway, it's not so bad 'cause there really wasn't a lot to comment on in this chapter - it's pretty good all round. I love Hayden. Very cute! *g* I like all your male chars so far though, hehe.
Very mad because I just lost my review - I was posting it and it just didnt post and I couldn't get it back. But anyway, it's not so bad 'cause there really wasn't a lot to comment on in this chapter - it's pretty good all round. I love Hayden. Very cute! *g* I like all your male chars so far though, hehe.
4/17/2003 c6 Stormer
-I never ceased to feel like I'd felt a blow to the stomach...- Should be something like 'I never ceased to feel like I'd taken a blow to the stomach...' Because 'feel' and 'felt' is repetitive. Kinda like "I felt like I felt like that" if ya know what I mean.
-At that moment I vowed to [buy] Mel a present every day for the rest of the year- (replaced 'by' with 'buy')
Hehe I know how the third wheel thing goes. My mum gets it all the time with my aunty and her boyfriend. My mum is single and so my aunty always tries to include her in their activities, which she DOESN'T appreciate. But anyway...
-and after [un]entangling himself from her- I assume that's what you meant.
-who's great for Mel, despite their many 'episodes.'
Yet despite this, I couldn't say a guy like Ryan would be my type.- You used 'despite' twice in quick succession, sounds repetitive.
-...before tapping a fairly tall guy on the should her was fiddling with the leads on stage.- This didn't make sense.
-...victim of Mel's [match]-making service?- Typo fixed!
-and my worst fears were [confirmed] when I saw Ryan beckoning towards me.- Typo fixed again.
-So I leapt up and [made] my way towards the stage amidst the roaring crowd.- Added in the word I think you missed.
You need to be careful about 'you're' and 'your'. I know you probably know this already but let me say it again so you can go th rough your text and correct the mistakes regarding these words: you're = you are. your = your mum, your hair, etc. A few times you've chosen the wrong version for the context.
Ok, that is it for this chapter (hope you don't mind my thoroughness, I find this useful in my own stories so...*lol*). Good chapter as usual. Reading on!
-I never ceased to feel like I'd felt a blow to the stomach...- Should be something like 'I never ceased to feel like I'd taken a blow to the stomach...' Because 'feel' and 'felt' is repetitive. Kinda like "I felt like I felt like that" if ya know what I mean.
-At that moment I vowed to [buy] Mel a present every day for the rest of the year- (replaced 'by' with 'buy')
Hehe I know how the third wheel thing goes. My mum gets it all the time with my aunty and her boyfriend. My mum is single and so my aunty always tries to include her in their activities, which she DOESN'T appreciate. But anyway...
-and after [un]entangling himself from her- I assume that's what you meant.
-who's great for Mel, despite their many 'episodes.'
Yet despite this, I couldn't say a guy like Ryan would be my type.- You used 'despite' twice in quick succession, sounds repetitive.
-...before tapping a fairly tall guy on the should her was fiddling with the leads on stage.- This didn't make sense.
-...victim of Mel's [match]-making service?- Typo fixed!
-and my worst fears were [confirmed] when I saw Ryan beckoning towards me.- Typo fixed again.
-So I leapt up and [made] my way towards the stage amidst the roaring crowd.- Added in the word I think you missed.
You need to be careful about 'you're' and 'your'. I know you probably know this already but let me say it again so you can go th rough your text and correct the mistakes regarding these words: you're = you are. your = your mum, your hair, etc. A few times you've chosen the wrong version for the context.
Ok, that is it for this chapter (hope you don't mind my thoroughness, I find this useful in my own stories so...*lol*). Good chapter as usual. Reading on!
4/17/2003 c5 Stormer
Some technical comments that don't reflect on the overall quality of your writing but detract a little from a reading of it *s*
-A reluctant smile tugged at [my] mouth as I recalled Jesse falling...- You missed out a word ('my'), no big deal *g*
-"And I think your blonder too..." Should be 'you're', not 'your'.
-I suppressed a laugh, as I always d[id] at Grace's ranting...- Typo ('did')
-"No wander you're making that noise, Kym, get off her." Should be 'wonder', not 'wander'.
-aware of the unusual distance between us, [Jesse] pulled me towards him, so I rested my head in his lap.- I added Jesse in there, that right?
-...yet tries not to let his nervousness obvious to the girl.- Should be 'let his nervousness show' or 'make his nervousness obvious', something like that.
-Yet she was always more brave than him, and [etc.]. Yet he secretly loved it, as well as [etc.].- this was a bit repetitive with the two 'Yet's. Perhaps you don't need the second 'Yet', or else try and replace it with another word...I know it can be annoying to try and think of something that sounds good sometimes. anyway...
-...verbally abused by he[r] drunken father most...- I assume it should be 'her' there.
Ok, now general comments. I love your writing (don't assume from all that crap above that I don't *g* Just trying to be a helpful reviewer). You have me hooked here. I am definitely going to read on today (though I swore I would read other stories and review, and I really should do those. I started this one ages ago so it has a degree of priority *lol* Will be back when i have bought myself some lunch (hopefully some shops are open today, being Easter).
Some technical comments that don't reflect on the overall quality of your writing but detract a little from a reading of it *s*
-A reluctant smile tugged at [my] mouth as I recalled Jesse falling...- You missed out a word ('my'), no big deal *g*
-"And I think your blonder too..." Should be 'you're', not 'your'.
-I suppressed a laugh, as I always d[id] at Grace's ranting...- Typo ('did')
-"No wander you're making that noise, Kym, get off her." Should be 'wonder', not 'wander'.
-aware of the unusual distance between us, [Jesse] pulled me towards him, so I rested my head in his lap.- I added Jesse in there, that right?
-...yet tries not to let his nervousness obvious to the girl.- Should be 'let his nervousness show' or 'make his nervousness obvious', something like that.
-Yet she was always more brave than him, and [etc.]. Yet he secretly loved it, as well as [etc.].- this was a bit repetitive with the two 'Yet's. Perhaps you don't need the second 'Yet', or else try and replace it with another word...I know it can be annoying to try and think of something that sounds good sometimes. anyway...
-...verbally abused by he[r] drunken father most...- I assume it should be 'her' there.
Ok, now general comments. I love your writing (don't assume from all that crap above that I don't *g* Just trying to be a helpful reviewer). You have me hooked here. I am definitely going to read on today (though I swore I would read other stories and review, and I really should do those. I started this one ages ago so it has a degree of priority *lol* Will be back when i have bought myself some lunch (hopefully some shops are open today, being Easter).