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for Shadow of the Stars

11/5/2002 c1 oceansofneptune
Good begining Shadow, It's very creative for you're first one.

se ya,

10/23/2002 c1 Guest
Don't take this as too negative.

First, your character is a "little girl", but she acts more like a young adult...you might want to rethink that. Vowing revenge and all at four is a stretch...

Second, this is a fairly common sort of intro, but it can still be worked (I realize this is your first stab at something like this).

I would like a little more history, which you might get into more later in the story (who the girl is, what tribe is she, why is there a war?) and all that.

I realize this is a prologue and meant to be a teaser, but maybe a little more taste for the story would be better.

Third, don't end with "she didn't know what the revenge would cost her." We know that she is going to have to go through some great trial in order to

win back her freedom or exact her revenge. Your whole story is set up for that. No need to further dilute it by giving obvious and unnecessary foreshadowing.

Have the prologue end another way. You have shadow and stars in the title...have the girl slip into the shadows of the forest or something.

I'll be interested in where you go with this. I'll check back. Email me if you want further critique.
10/23/2002 c2 Jeannette
Good beginning. The names aren't to hard to remember, like in some stories I've read. The dialogue seems to be smooth too. You might want to give background info on who the Archmage is, like how they're selected, what's their job, etc. What do dragonriders do? Besides ride dragons. Still pretty good though.
10/23/2002 c1 pixie
That was really good. I'm going to my this on my favorites. Please right more.

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