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for Broad Daylight

5/31/2005 c1 10Cemetary Gates
First off, interesting work - vampire stories tend to be most interesting. At least from the Anne Rice that I've read.

Here is what looks like needs some work:

Vampire canon. Don't vampires die in sunlight? Or is this _your_ vampires?

And... sentence structure. Instead of using commas so often, try rewording sentences and make new ones so it all flows together.

Otherwise, try to convince the reader more that the woman is a vampire by not being so obvious. "Show - don't tell." Show me, as the reader, that she _might_ be a vampire by her longing for the blood - looking at it, licking her lips, not removing her eyes from it. Not simply touching and tasting. To do that is to sidestep possible tension and mystery that could be built. Once you have the _reasons_ for the vampire to be so creepy, then the creepy actions will read like they have substance. In turn, convincing the reader that the vampire is indeed creepy.

Keep writing!
12/20/2002 c1 28Terianne
the opening is realyl good. very origional.
10/24/2002 c1 Angie
Creepy. Short and to the point with enough shudder. Are we going to get any more? And I really like that first line, very effective.
10/24/2002 c1 11RYoung
Very good. Quite an original idea I suppose. Keep up the good work.
10/23/2002 c1 Ciro

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