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1/13/2013 c1 Remilia Suzerain
Thats... Jesus.
Well played.
9/27/2006 c1 2Laeden
You have a very unusual problem that I've honestly never seen before. You use "had" too much.

"Dave HAD never understood why his mother had stayed with the man. Between the drunken rages and the beatings just because he felt like it, the man HAD battered every member of the family more times than Dave could remember. It was after he HAD awoken in the hospital, with a broken arm and two broken ribs, that Dave HAD decided that he HAD HAD enough."

And that's just one paragraph, no paraphrasing, no just one-liners. In three sentences you use "had" six times. It's not nessisary. "It was after Dave awoke in the hospital-" You're using past-perfect tense and all you need is simple-past. Also, look at some of your sentences, they start with the same thing. You never want to start sentences with the same thing, or even paragraphs with the same thing. Repitition is very bad and unfortinately you have a lot of it.

Also, his drunken rages and beatings don't happen just because someone feels like it. In his mind, even if the reason is not legitimet, he did have a reason. If you say he didn't, it's not a realistic characteration.

Also, in the beginning of your story you say he debaited whether to go over to help his mom or just call the police and let them handle it.

That's really not true to the character. Someone who grew up with a single mother until they married someone who is abusive would only want to protect their mother and their family (especially a male). They wouldn't just say "screw mom, let the police handle her trival tangent." Which is essentually what it emplies.

Characters are a living, breathing thin. (You won't understand this unless you've writen for a long time AND read a lot of books). What I do, is I build up a character in the beginning. I have him/her go through a regular day. Their habbits, what they hate, what they like, their indifferences, hobbies, what they're good at, what they're bad at, their political views, their habits, their nitches, the little things that bug them. Some of these things need to be "shown" and not told. And sometimes even the smallest mistake will make your character unlrealistic. For example, if I say my character hates fried eggs without pepper and then have him eat a fried egg without pepper than that is a technical-character-flaw. Of course your character can change over the course of a book, but usually it's noticeable yet subtle. For example, they're may be a main turning point in their life that makes them look at life or a certain thing a certain way. However, usually this point is recognizable, because if it isn't then your character will appear unrealistic. And in the beginning of your story, right after his mother calls him, that's just not a realistic character. This character's relationship is at a certain level where his mother can call him for help or whatever. Not to mention he grew up with a single mother and an abusive step-father. Anyone who still talks to their parents wouldn't just say "Hey, just call the cops I'm to tired to come over and rescue you from the demon husband."

After you build up a strong character, if you put them in a situation they will react on their own if you have built them strongly enough. This isn't someone you manipulate. This is your creation, but not your puppet. Think of it that way. If you do not write what the character's true reaction is, then your character will appear flat or unrealistic.

Also, why did he have to borrow his girlfriend's jeep? Doesn't he have his own car? If not, why? These are things you need to elaborate before you get into the main story. The hard part is being creative about characterization and making the process entertaining.

Other than that, you're a little wordy. Other than the "had" problem, you have some really awkward sentences. I think it just needs to be carefully proof-read to solve this problem, but I'll give you some examples of what I'm talking about anyway.

"Tim would whisper in the boy’s ear, when they were alone, telling him how he would kill his mom and brother if he even thought Dave had hinted at the truth to anyone."

This is extremely awkward. You have too many pronouns. You have two males your narrating and you use "he" too much. Which "he" is which? It's too hard to think about it and it ruins the flow no matter how good it is. if someone has to think about which character is which then it doesn't matter how pretty your words out, how deep or symbolic your plot is or realistic your characters are. If you can't get the basics you won't be a good writer.

"Tim theatened Dave that if he rose suspision, he'd kill his mother."

Honestly, it's hard to fix (at least off the top of my head). It's an awkward statement and it ether needs to be broken up or scrapped. Although you don't need to say "when they were alone". Tim is making a threat, he's not going to do that when a lot of people are around. Also, I think the reason why you have so many awkward sentences is because you're "telling" us what happened and not "showing" us what happened. You should do a flash-back or something to the incident instead of just telling us. Then go back into the main story when they are at the house or whatever.

I see this mistake a lot. "If he EVEN thought Dave HAD hinted the truth at anyone."

Even is a very unnessiary word. "If he thought" would fit better. "even" is a flavor word that exclaims the next word or following statement. "If you even THINK about taking this." "If you even spill ONE DROP of milk on me I'll..."

Also you don't "hint at the truth." It's awkward, it's wordy and there's better ways of saying the same thing in a more flowing-way. Wordyness interupts a good flow. Flow is the essentual for any horror story. For example, short choppy sentences will increase suspense in scary spots.

"The floor boards creaked. What was that? Bob thought. The psycho was comming. Fear paralyzed Bob. Sweat dripped down his cheek and his hair stood on-end."

It kind of builds up, and if you're awkward or wordy, it'll get in the way and just end up sounding unprofessional and poorly writen. (Of course I wrote this off the top of my head, so it's just an example).

You don't use too many adverbs, but it can still be reduced a little. "ly" words. Try and say what you want with your verbs not adverbs. Verbs discribe more with less words.

You definately need to proof-read, and read actual books. Reading itself will improve your writing as well and help you get rid of you awkward-sentence problem as will proof reading. Remember, an awkward sentence may sound fine to you, but you know what you're talking about. Try and pretend you're reading it without the image in your mind of what you were thinking when you wrote it. You need to read with a contemptuous attitude.

I hope I helped.~Seth
9/15/2006 c1 KnightFoxx
O_O That was scary. Well written but scary.
7/20/2006 c1 3Kairos K
Very graphic. I like it. It has the ablity to twist your stomach and make you want to hurl but it's just so riviting that you can't stop reading. And the ending just isn't what your expecting while your reading. It's hinted at but never really told. It's just a suprise. Very nice.

~Kairos K.
7/11/2006 c1 HarlequinRomance89
Hey...

Wow, I love this story. Well done
5/24/2006 c1 31MusicallyBrainwashed
OMG. That was the most scariest of stories I have EVER read. I'm sitting in my computer class, scared to death and trying not to cry over the death of Dave. I loved the story. Great job on scaring me. You're the first. Can't wait to read much more of your stories!
10/14/2005 c1 109ADSpencer
Demented, but quite well written. I like your use of description.
9/30/2005 c1 noodle
WOAH. That was dark. And vivid! Portrayed well. I was freaked out. I'm in class and people are staring...anyway, I like your style. I saw nothing wrong with the story. Very well done.
8/23/2005 c1 4Masked Glovemaker
Wonderfully chilling. And also a good ending to such a dark tale. I particularly like the slight build-up that Danny was into the occult from early on. Keep up the good work!
4/14/2005 c1 5suckamuthafua
...wow that was great! awsome! i cant...awsome! lol give me some pointters on my story plez lol

sincerely,Q-T30
3/8/2005 c1 81Red Masque
Wow. ::slow grin:: Wow. I desperately need to thank Dark Bane for sending me to your profile. Okay, so my faith in the horror genre on this website has been restored a little more :). Thank you so very, very much.
9/16/2004 c1 59wilderness
that was the freakyest thing i have ever read! really nicely written...but scary!
lani
8/10/2004 c1 6nynaeve77
Whoa...that was very intense and messed up and completely brilliant! I don't know what I was expecting, but that ending wasn't it. Yet, it was totally amazing. Danny was the perfect blend of naivety and creepiness.
7/29/2004 c1 2Queen of dawn
well...that was gruesome and damn good! for a split secong i felt my heart thumping! you are extremely talented, it's a shame it had to end there it was so mind gripping. beautifully written.
7/5/2004 c1 51darkdreamerx
Wow...what can I say? That was amazing! I didn't like how Dave died in the end though...and that demon thing was scary...oh well! Nice job!
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