for The Box To Become A Box7/15/2003 c1 
106cosmo-queen
I really liked this. It was effectively written in a clever and unique style. I see you haven't posted anything in a while, hope to see another piece soon :)
*cosmo-queen*
106cosmo-queenI really liked this. It was effectively written in a clever and unique style. I see you haven't posted anything in a while, hope to see another piece soon :)
*cosmo-queen*
6/3/2003 c1 28camus1
it's nice. small, very concrete words, just like there was nothing more to say than that what simply is.
it starts with I'm sorry and goes on with no, it wasn't my fault as if someone opposite the poetic persona would question her/his intentions. and s/he repeats and reaffirms that s/he didn't mean to.
but it seems to me more like someone is talking to oneself or even more like a inner discourse about a situation between two people.
[-sorry, I must stop here, can't do this in English. it's just too hard at the moment.. I hope some of you do understand German.]
litanei ist das wort, das mir dazu einfällt (und ich mein es nicht im negativen sinne): ein anrufungsgebet, an jemanden gerichtet, das ständige wiederholen einer formel [I'm sorry No, it wasn'tNo, I didn'tI'm sorry there's no keyhole
I didn't mean your key to break
allerdings sagt es dann auch ganz am Ende I did not shut the lid box ist offen? vielleicht war der/die andere so dumm es zu übersehen und hat es auf einem falschen weg versucht? fehlte die richtige perspektive - von oben? ein missverständnis?
2)ICH habe den deckel nicht geschlossen - der/die andere war es? eine leise anschuldigung?
3)ich habe den deckel nicht geschlossen - im letzten satz noch das anbieten einer erneuten auseinandersetzung, so auf die art: ich dreh mich nicht einfach weg?
jetzt gefällt mir dieser letzte satz immer besser. überhaupt, beim ersten lesen hab ich 'lid' als 'augenlid' gelesen, was schön doppeldeutig ist und gut zu punkt nr 3 passen würde.
gut, jetzt hab ich mich mal ausgeschrieben. hoffe, du findest auch was wahres darin.
ciao, camus
ps.:verzeih mir, dass ich so auf pseudo-intellektuell versuche fachbegriffe zu verwenden, aber ich muss es ja mal lernen.
28camus1it's nice. small, very concrete words, just like there was nothing more to say than that what simply is.
it starts with I'm sorry and goes on with no, it wasn't my fault as if someone opposite the poetic persona would question her/his intentions. and s/he repeats and reaffirms that s/he didn't mean to.
but it seems to me more like someone is talking to oneself or even more like a inner discourse about a situation between two people.
[-sorry, I must stop here, can't do this in English. it's just too hard at the moment.. I hope some of you do understand German.]
litanei ist das wort, das mir dazu einfällt (und ich mein es nicht im negativen sinne): ein anrufungsgebet, an jemanden gerichtet, das ständige wiederholen einer formel [I'm sorry No, it wasn'tNo, I didn'tI'm sorry there's no keyhole
I didn't mean your key to break
allerdings sagt es dann auch ganz am Ende I did not shut the lid box ist offen? vielleicht war der/die andere so dumm es zu übersehen und hat es auf einem falschen weg versucht? fehlte die richtige perspektive - von oben? ein missverständnis?
2)ICH habe den deckel nicht geschlossen - der/die andere war es? eine leise anschuldigung?
3)ich habe den deckel nicht geschlossen - im letzten satz noch das anbieten einer erneuten auseinandersetzung, so auf die art: ich dreh mich nicht einfach weg?
jetzt gefällt mir dieser letzte satz immer besser. überhaupt, beim ersten lesen hab ich 'lid' als 'augenlid' gelesen, was schön doppeldeutig ist und gut zu punkt nr 3 passen würde.
gut, jetzt hab ich mich mal ausgeschrieben. hoffe, du findest auch was wahres darin.
ciao, camus
ps.:verzeih mir, dass ich so auf pseudo-intellektuell versuche fachbegriffe zu verwenden, aber ich muss es ja mal lernen.
5/5/2003 c1 14devillovesclassical
i thought it would be apt to review this poem of yours given its title. anyway i usually dont have much faith in poems that don't rhyme but this would be an exception. your imagery is simple yet striking. I love the fact that all your words are simple. nice.
14devillovesclassicali thought it would be apt to review this poem of yours given its title. anyway i usually dont have much faith in poems that don't rhyme but this would be an exception. your imagery is simple yet striking. I love the fact that all your words are simple. nice.
3/29/2003 c1 37Bishou
Sehr ausdrucksstark, finde ich. Mir gefällt die Intention, zumindest die, die ich darin sehe. :)
Danke für das Liebe Kommi. ^-^
Bye, Bishou
37BishouSehr ausdrucksstark, finde ich. Mir gefällt die Intention, zumindest die, die ich darin sehe. :)
Danke für das Liebe Kommi. ^-^
Bye, Bishou
2/4/2003 c1 19Karma-of-Chaos
Hey!
^-^ This is really good! I love all the implied metaphors, it kind of reminds me of a haiku {in the sense that in the haiku the tenor is effaced, the message(s) are merely implied. Nothing to do with meter or rhythm. Either that or English honors really has diseased my mind...bad Mr. English Teacher bad!}
You've got real promise! Keep writing!
{Oh and thanks for the review of my poem, if you've ever seen the show Cowboy Bebop, the first
verse was somewhat inspired by Faye. I think I
totally ditched the whole idea of meter though!
^^;}
Much love, peace!
19Karma-of-ChaosHey!
^-^ This is really good! I love all the implied metaphors, it kind of reminds me of a haiku {in the sense that in the haiku the tenor is effaced, the message(s) are merely implied. Nothing to do with meter or rhythm. Either that or English honors really has diseased my mind...bad Mr. English Teacher bad!}
You've got real promise! Keep writing!
{Oh and thanks for the review of my poem, if you've ever seen the show Cowboy Bebop, the first
verse was somewhat inspired by Faye. I think I
totally ditched the whole idea of meter though!
^^;}
Much love, peace!
11/4/2002 c1 Ban-tigherna Teine
Oh, thats really sweet!
And you dare to say to me you aren't a
good writer!
Box, or something soft,
I like you just as well... ;)
Oh, thats really sweet!
And you dare to say to me you aren't a
good writer!
Box, or something soft,
I like you just as well... ;)
11/4/2002 c1 90SweetGrape
Unique, interesting and thought-provoking.
It's itneresting that there's guilt and regret about something that couldn't be avoided (2nd stanza) Though firm...
Great end 'I did not shut the lid'
The whole poem is a well-written extended metaphor which is very effective.
90SweetGrapeUnique, interesting and thought-provoking.
It's itneresting that there's guilt and regret about something that couldn't be avoided (2nd stanza) Though firm...
Great end 'I did not shut the lid'
The whole poem is a well-written extended metaphor which is very effective.
11/2/2002 c1 26sweetspontaneous
this is rather lovely, i think. great rhythm on the last two lines. very pretty
26sweetspontaneousthis is rather lovely, i think. great rhythm on the last two lines. very pretty