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for The Paradises

11/29/2005 c4 6Kiyura
Ok, PLEASE write more of this? Or, assuming that you have written more, POST more of it? Please? Pretty please? I need to know what happens next! I love it!

But since there have somehow only been 4 chapters since 2002, that seems slightly unlikely, now, doesn't it? Oh well. I still like it, and it's still going on my favorites list. So there.

Honestly, I have nothing to say to this other than it's keeping me in a horrible state of suspense, and you need to POST MORE. Please? :D It's ridiculously good.
1/3/2005 c3 whohasthezebra
A while ago, you said the wonderful words, "It makes me realize the extent to which you have gotten better."Now it's my turn to say the same to you. Emily is incredibly effective. She reduces long inner monologues and lets the reader see the whole public/private thoughts of Win. Was Keir a character in the first draft? His name is familiar. I'm also glad to see you kept your old place names. While Win is wandering around lost, I get to feel superior. ;)I was very, very excited to see this updated and was even more flattered to see your little note. ^^ But back to the story: Better description of the doorways this time! It makes more physical sense. I'm also excited to find out about this ripply thing- intriguing! So. Good on you for continuing this story and I DO want the end chapters if you kibosh The Paradises. Oh, and the wonderfully long chapters. I wrote an especially long chapter in Kelley and the Italian Guy just for you. Nice to see you back on the site.
12/27/2004 c3 rainyaviel1
wow. very interesting and creative. update soon!
12/26/2004 c2 4dancingNthewind
SO awesome...i cant wait to read the third ch.
12/26/2004 c1 2Ken-Knee O'Conile
Wow. Great. I'll definately continue with this. Great writing.
10/9/2004 c1 1A Chroi
Hmm...very interesting. I like your tone. It conveys a lot of the setting and the personalities of the characters without using too many words (as I am prone to do). One thing I thought was a little odd was the slight time shift, if that makes sense. One paragraph started out with "I lived in an interesting old house in those days," which to me implied that the narrator was older. "In those days" is a phrase that I, at least, tend to associate with old people. Then, later, the tone shifts back to "flashback-past-tense," and then to just plain past tense. It was a subtle thing, but it just seemed a little off. All in all, though, this was original and well-done. The description of the Paradise was very unique, and I like the tone of the narrator. Keep at it!
8/6/2004 c1 Greeneyes616
this was interestingly weird, but I really liked it, especailly the smoking pool, sounds cool...keep on writing...
6/29/2004 c2 5Naja Copperleaf
Hey, I liked the changes. I thought I was hallucinating when I saw there were only two chapters. I must say you're brave for completely starting over. ;)
I assure you that Frank's smeggy little head will pop up in a new chap sometime soon.
6/6/2004 c2 whohasthezebra
Well, good thing i'm a vicarious reader! I'm loving the changes, which surprises me, since i liked the original so much. I can tell that you're more comfortable with this path, which is a pleasure to read. I like introducing Emily, and i definately like the nod to Labyrinth. Also, someone else has a penchant for werewolves and vampires! I'm excited to read more, since it feels so much more polished and paced than the first draft. Welcome back!
6/5/2004 c1 whohasthezebra
i wasnt allowed to log in... Anyways, i like the improvements. i can genuinely call them improvements. the celtic mythology gave the story more weight, and i kept going: beach! I remember the beach! and then it was one of those moments when i'm remembering something from her future and i get into a fictional mental furor.
I love how the nowheres are introduced now, like an orientation for the reader.
5/8/2004 c1 Rebecca JJ
Hmm, looks like there used to be a lot more of this story here; I'll just comment on #1 and #2 that are here.
Cool. I had no idea the narrator was female until Dallas called her "ma'am." She was remarkabley cool and unaffected about being naked with a strange naked man in a pool-I thought she was male.
Didn't realize she was young until her friend called. How long you want your readers to wait to discover these things about your protagonist is entirely up to you, of course. :) Her personality has an older, mature inner voice.
Unusual for her to call the officer "Dallas" when they haven't really introduced themselves to each other yet. "Officer/Mr Freeman" would be more, uh, socially natural or respectful, I'd think. Course, it's a weird situation all around. He still (appearently) doesn't know her name.
Fun stuff! And good luck with your rewrites. That's always hard. :) I'm enjoying it! ^_^
3/3/2004 c3 Naja Copperleaf
Actually, I've read all the way to the end, but had to come here to find a chapter that I hadn't reviewed. Mostly I just came to bug you for another chapter. More! ;)
12/26/2003 c9 Rara Punk
"It was worse than the thought of facing rabid dogs. Rabid dogs had an excuse for killing. People killing other people had nothing to excuse it."
I love that line, and yes, another brilliant chapter in the masterful Paradises...
Sorry I have taken so long to read the next chapter (and i have read the end of chapter 8 by the way...thanks) and I havent abandoned my Dead Jounal...I have updated it. I have also tried to email but alas no reply...
I will read the next chapter as soon as I can...
peace out
12/3/2003 c10 4ArthurEKing
Pheew! Took a while, but I finally managed to read this entire story so far... And here's what I have to say.
I really can't change anything I said earlier-on about your writing style. It hasn't changed significantly over the period of these chapters, nor has my opinion of it changed significantly.
I do still believe that you do have a ways to go before it's perfect, but then again, I've read published authors do worse jobs than you yourself have already proven you're capable of.
I do believe that you're doing an excellent job of at least TRYING to keep this real, you know about the problems you face, and are trying to correct them as you go. Cudos! I do believe that you're also doing an excellent job of trying to work the storyline, trying to make it flow in precisely the direction you want it to and not any other.
One thing that I DO believe that you could use some work with is the time-sense. Things are happening in this story that are taking days that should only take hours, or things are taking hours that take months. You specifically said Win wasn't "great" at languages, and yet after only a few lessons, she has "A passable understanding of Hollandrian" Unless you can manage to say that it is similar to french or spanish, or something else that she's heard before and is familiar with, that's a really tough one to swallow.
I mean I've been around french my entire life, taken classes for it, and *I* still don't have what I would consider to be a passable understanding of the language. Even though I've never REALLY tried to learn it. And I'm not saying I'm really smart about it or anything, but I know I'm not dumb.
Also, during her "trek" through the mountains to the forest... you say that took 7 days... Well the problem with that, is purely survival. She doesn't have food and shelter with her, seeing as she was only dressed for battle in the Nowhere, and yet she survives for seven days in the mountains with no food, no water, no shelter? Hard to believe. So either the time isn't as long, or she's been busy finding food/water/etc. all this time as well.
Anyways, I am only bringing up these notes, as things that you should think about, because you've done such an excellent job with your planning of this story so-far, that I thought you might want to think about such things.
Anyways, other than that, there really isn't anything that I can see that is really wrong in any sense, you've done a wonderful job of describing the new paradises, although the 'Tweens could be a little bit more important...
On with the review...
Oh yeah, speaking of the Mists of Avalon... I've always thought that it was actually more of... I dunno, an excuse. That's the word. It was trying to make up an excuse for Morgan Le Fey (I always call her Morgan Le Fey, and not Morganna, don't ask me why.) I mean the entire book is basically saying "But, it's not my fault!" And I can't stand that point of view. Take responsibility for your actions you vile wench! (Always loved that term... Vile Wench...)
Anyways, back onto the review...
Lets, see... things for chapter 12... For starters, you'll have to have an opening scene which will be about how Win reaches the other demons, or since this is in hollandry, how the Demons reach her...
Since you probably don't want to kill all kinds of demons (seeing as that's who most of your currently-major characters are), you'll want to kill off some native hollandrians, but probably punctuate it with a few demons just for reference. Possibly that demon who was a native hollandrian...
Yeah, that sounds about right... Win reports about the head hunters, the native-hollandrian-demon asks mackin to go help his people... win goes with... they sneak up on a head-hunter camp, she reveals their position, and boom, people die. She escapes when she trips over something, and falls into a different paradise.
She has a hard time getting back to where the other demons are (a few hours to find a doorway) and by the time they get to the scene of the failed head-hunter attack, there's the dallas argument.
Which follows naturally to the Atlantican reassignment. Although just an atlantican-english dictionary won't be much help. Possibly something can be done here with the unicorn horn... One of the "magical properties" that it has is to help translate. (just giving ideas) Although that'd probably be taboo, seeing as it attacked them... *shrug*
Anyways, that might help you get over the little hiccup that is chapter 12.
An interesting thought occured to me... What with you having there be a king and dragon... You might want to make some kind of parallel to the cristian beliefs... The dragon being lucifer, and the king being god. You could speak of a fight between them as a titanic struggle...
However, rather than have the bland seperations of good and evil, BOTH sides believed themselves to be in the right. The king saying that the fruit was too dangerous for mere men, and the dragon saying it was the right of all beings to eat from the trees.
Not to mention of course, the garden of eden parallels that are to be cast in that light.
Then of course, the original paradise was shattered... and the "dawn" which win discovered was one of the pieces of that shattered paradise.
It could very well be that you ARE planning some or even all of these things, but regardless of whether you are or not, it might be something to think about still. (I do so love making people think...)
Oh yeah, I noticed in your reviewers notes, someone mentioned the wheel of time series (I haven't bothered reading all of your reviews up to this point, so forgive me if I'm misquoting) and I just wanted to say that you are NOT missing anything by not reading them.
It's like the movie "Magnolia" You keep thinking it's going somewhere... and then it ends, and you're like... "What the... I WANT THOSE THREE HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK!" (Sorry about the caps, but I really didn't like that movie)
So yeah, just tell those people telling you to read it to bug off, and go about your merry little way. Although if you DO feel like reading a good fantasy novel/trilogy... Guy Gavriel Kay's The Fionavar Tapestry, is an impeccable portrait of a fantasy novel experiment gone horribly, horribly RIGHT!
Anyways, really, I hope you keep this up, because it's one of the diamonds in this site filled with sparkling stones that glitter, but shatter like glass. Happy Writing!
Arthur E. King
12/1/2003 c7 ArthurEKing
Okay, I'm back. :)
First off, the meeting with the king was a little odd for one reason, and one reason only. Win doesn't really have any REASON to want to be a demon right now.
I mean sure, we knew that she'd either a) become a demon or b) fall in love with one, at SOME point in the story, but you never really had her even think about it before this point.
She just decides to up and leave her life, her job, her friends, her family, and everything else, all on a whimsy? Not very realistic. If she thinks that being a demon is an important enough job, then sure, by all means, go ahead and become one, but just on the spur of the moment?
Other than that one fault of not quite enough reasoning, that chapter was perfect.
Next chapter, I have to thoroughly congratulate you. You are actually having her be both good and bad at different things, AND having reasons for why she's good or bad at them. That's real. Too many people just say "Well he trained for a couple hours and mastered everything!" or forget the training entirely. Without any foreward momentum, the thing stagnates. So Cudos to you!.
The only problem with that entire part, is that "trainees" would never get real weapons to train with right off... they get starter weapons that couldn't really hurt someone seriously. So the "knife" would be a small piece of shaped wood, and the "sword" would be a weighted wooden training sword. People are too likely to hurt themselves when they don't know what they're doing.
Oh yeah, one other tiny point of contention. Would they still be called full-fledged demons right away? Or just demons-in-training?.. Something to think about.
Wow... Protected animals in other paradises? Nice to know conservation isn't limited to Earth.
Only problem is that it tends to be a little harder than most people think to burn all the flesh off of something, and the greasy smoke produced would have been been rather pungent...
One more point of contention... And I could actually be wrong about this one, but I'm pretty certain that most vikings didn't actually row their own boats... They used slaves and prisoners to do it for them. Like I said, I might be wrong though.
You're planning romance? Hrmm... I'll have to stick around for that... But I'll reserve judgement on them till well after I've read them... :)
Anyways, loved it so far. I will keep reading, that's for sure. Love the intrigue that's starting up in this chapter now. We'll see where it takes us. :)
Oh yeah, and one thing I'd like to mention... This story does have definite ties to C.S. Lewis, in more than one way... And that's really not a bad thing. :)
Arthur E. King
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