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2/28/2010 c13 AlaynaBroekhart
...be prepared for a long review.. I swear I'm not a jerk, well I am, but I'm not trying to be.I'm just really critical, but first I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and you did a really good job writing it overall. Now for the less pleasantness- the critique. *dramatic music*


I have mixed feelings about Kander and Raina...Kander has potential to be an excellent character, but he needs to be developed a lot more and he needs a more distinct personality, again going along with the characterization point I made. Most importantly give him some faults... faults are good. Perfect characters are two dimensional and really annoying to read... I understand that he isn't as strong as Normrak, but that doesn't really count... Also, maybe let us into his head a bit- talk about the indecision between Reina and Rina, how he's developing feeligns for Rina even though he probably shouldn't be, rather than him just beign all "oh! screw Raina, I love Rina now!"

...sorry if I'm being mean, my mind works in sarcasm.

As for Raina, I like her, but her personality goes from strong and independent to depressed and helpless really quickly. Maybe, like I said for Kander, let us into her head a little as well, rather than just talking about her wishing he would stop or that she could go home (cause that's kidn of obvious...) talk about the inner turmoil between keeping her dignity, even at the cost of pain, or doing anything to make it stop, ect.

I adore all your names, by the way, how did you think of them? My only critique is that 'Raina' and 'Rina' are really similar... but that's just my OCD talking.

Plotwise, I really like it. It's original and captivating from the very beginning, although somewhat repetitive. Like, Raina gets kidnapped by Normrak, rescued, kidnapped, rescued...yeah... After the first few chapters, though, I adored the plot twist of doom... it was wonderful... but I think it would have worked better if you'd really dramatized it, go all "I AM YOUR FATHER!" ... or something. Drama is good. As for the end, I personally woudl have liked a bit more transition... I think she agreed to marry him a bit quickly, like it was rushed or soemthing, but it was more that I wish there'd been some evidence of his wanting her other than just not killing her. Like, if he'd been stalking her or if he'd been randomly showing up rather than completely ignoring her for a month. Which I understand, since he'd been running away from emotion, I suppose, it's just kind of unclear. But I did love the ending.

Rina, I think you perhaps let your dislike of her make you write her in a biased way making her seem like a bitch for no reason other than jealousy... my only complaint is that she seemed perfectly nice and helpful when she was first introduced, and while I see that it might have been an act to impress Kander, it's kind of silly that she turned in to such an "GR I EAT YOUR SOUL" bitch in just a few chapters... plus her hatred for Raina is kind of unfounded, since they barely spoke, and while she /is/ jealous, no reason to loathe her so.

Normrak... I love him, he's well developed and quite badass. No complaints. Good job.

Overall, if you have stuck with this long review of doom, I really enjoyed your story. In the future, work on characterization and keeping the story moving, but I did notice that you got better about that as you went along. So... yeah. Sorry if I seem like a jerk or if I get things wrong, I just know that I personally prefer an in depth review rather than a few words.
7/5/2004 c12 13Seraindipity
I'm going to be psycho bitch and sayh right off that I can't stand Kander (sounds suspiciously like 'Xander' but we'll let it slide for now) and Rina (which is awfully close to 'Raina', but that's irrelevant too) Somehow, my writer's intuition tells me that you didn't start out deciding to put Normrak and Raina together. Otherwise his name would not be Normrak *shudders*. This is going on my favourites. Yes, you should make a sequel. And when you do, I'll be there. Hmm... what else? Oh yes, awesome concept. 'The Game'. I've been reading this for a while. It is currently 2:28 AM and I have school tomorrow. Your captivating literature will put me in dire consequences for which I will blame you. But kindly, in a very kind, non-threatening way, until I make you bleed. What else? Not much to say. It's too late for rants, as my brain doesn't seem to be working. Peace and luv to u.
4/7/2004 c5 2Fractured Simplicity
you know, Normark and Raina should fall in love. sometimes i think he wouold just fall in love with her! they would kina be good together, except it will never happen since he's killing people, but still.
~Fractured Simplicity~
4/7/2004 c4 Fractured Simplicity
well, let me guess who his father is... does he happen to be Head? i wouldn't be surprised if it is Head! I love this fic, it's soo cool!
~Fractured Simplicity~
10/6/2003 c1 Write Me Thrilled
lol i like it
9/24/2003 c1 CocoKate
...I cut. When I do, though, I do it on the bottoms of my feet. Pain still there, if not intensified, but there is less blood and *no* scarring. I really shouldn't though. Just hard to stop, you know? Especially if you have been doing it as long as I have, six years. Nver been caught. If you cut, get out while you still can, while it might not kill you, every cut is an emotional scar if not a physical one and the idea that you have to cause your body physical pain because of emotional pain is silly. Anyway. I do love your story. I am sorry, I am just all lecturey.
7/28/2003 c1 fuCk the rAdio
the storyline is creative and the concept is original, but why the hell would anyone ask to kidnap you? become your friend and then kidnap you after having spied on you for 5 years? i don't understand how raina can possibly even suggest that. eh, i don't really like raina actually. kander's great and the story's great but i don't love raina.
7/27/2003 c13 Qutieslave
wow it's hangin i dun like it
6/27/2003 c12 3Forrest Nymph
2/26/2003 c2 52M. Fitzgerald
Er, that was a sudden change. I’ll review this back to front considering what just happened is more fresh in my memory. Maybe I’m just a prude and maybe my friends are as well but that’s a pretty loose girl who kisses a guy the first day they meet. I can understand a kiss on the cheek after a date, an official date but after nabbing a guy in the street it doesn’t make me think very highly of them. Not to mention the fact that he spent the whole day with this girl when he should have been hunting for Raina who is supposedly in a great deal of dangers being in the hands of the enemy. It makes me feel highly unsympathetic towards Kander, and slightly confused. Especially considering he was so stressed about her being taken in the first place.

I can appreciate Normrak’s evil behavior considering I have a soft spot for bad guys and I’m happy you’ve gone into a little more detail here. He seems needlessly evil but hey, we’re just getting to know him so that’s not big deal.

Raina is still a little off, I may not have a little brother but I’d be a lot more upset and protective than she’s being. To the point of getting beat down badly. And Alex even though young isn’t quite right either. Children are amazingly perceptive and I would accept his behavior is Normrak was nice to him right off the bat but he wasn’t overly gentle and the child’s trust in him is strange.

I’ll come back later to read more considering I’m tired and sore right now but last word of advice avoid using descriptive words like ‘humungous’ unless the story is told in the first person.
2/26/2003 c1 M. Fitzgerald
First word of advice never us all caps for any word in a novel. You’ll never see it in a published novel so try to avoid doing that and correct the times you have. I’m reading this story from two different perspectives. That of an agent and that of a generic reader (little role-playing here). I do have a few problems with it so far:

The vampire’s speech starts out ok but it’s not very plausible when he says ‘shoot’. When I hear someone say shoot I think they are either at work and can’t cuss or are wimpy. Don’t be afraid to use all those fun little four letter words, run with them.

I’m slightly confused by the female lead, her reaction to the situation isn’t 100% believable. I can understand the running and the crying but her refusal to want to know what’s going on is very confusing. That and her casually letting out the info about her slayer friend is odd. If my best friend told me they were a slayer I’d laugh, then if they said they were serious I would tell their parents that they need a shrink.

There isn’t enough detail, I have no real idea what the three characters introduced look like. You should be dropping us little details every now and again or throwing it at us all at once. All I know about Raina is that she has scars on her arms, is wearing a night shirt and has relatively long hair. Kander I know nothing about, not the length of his hair nor the color and with Normrak there is even less detail. So try to add some of that. I know its just the first chapter but I need to formulate an image of what these people look like right away or I just start making it up on my own.

Normrak’s name is a little cheesy, the names should be believable. Try to think about where he comes from. If he’s of German decent he should have a German name. Unless he changed it later on but then why did he change it? Right now he sounds like an evil mage in D&D (no offence).

The plot seems interesting enough from what I can gather at this point its condensed down to this: Kander has to make Raina a vampire for whatever reason but Normrak wants her, either to make her a vampire himself or perhaps for some other nefarious reason. My main problem with it is ‘The Game’. I’m trying to view it logically and it still seems off. Using terms like ‘The Game’, ‘Gamers’, ‘Subject’, ‘Head’ and ‘Choosers’ is slightly awkward. It sounds very modern for one and secondly I can’t really see all these ancient and wise people using these terms or following this mold. Maybe I’m just a little too picky but the way they go about creating vampires (From what I know so far, remember I’ve just read the first chapter) is slightly too complicated. Love is never a guaranteed thing and these Choosers must be some great match makers! I’ll read more before I really say anything else. But your writing style is fine, I’ve encountered few grammar errors and have yet to spot a spelling mistake but considering I can’t spell to save my life that’s no surprise.
2/13/2003 c1 Emerald Eyes
Hey! I just read ur story and it was really, really good. So Raina was turned into a vampire when? Confused.o well *shrugs* Neways.I really really really really REALLY want you to write a sequal! I mean Normrak? He sounds hm.hot? too good to be true? can i have him? lol j/k i know he's urs. I've always like the bad guys for the most part too. hehe especially when they're hot! Can u e-mail me if u ever decide to write a sequel pretty please! At ? thanks if u do. Hrm..*tries to think of anything else to say.* Oh yes, get out that sequal! *Light goes out* oops thought to much at one time. I hate when that happens. Well good luck with ur writing. God bless. *~Emerald~*
2/10/2003 c13 Emerald
I just got around to finding and reading your story! It was really good and i hope you can get it published. I'll buy it if u do. I look forward to a sequal!
1/31/2003 c13 lucy ann
i think you should write a sequels nad start were it left off or a couple weeks later
1/31/2003 c13 32Cryptic Insanity
Okay,this reveiw might be a little longer then my others,but I need to say a little bit of things.

Firsty,I liked the ending and I understood it,for I think you made it so you know why Normrack left,my showing his character throughout the story.However,I do enjoy sequels,even if the original is better,I like to see where the author takes the story to compare and contrast their ideas with mine.

Secondly,that book you were talking about,Cirque Du Freak,whose it by?And what's it about?Besides vampires that is,I love reading about vampires.

Thirdly,my idea for a sequel,would be to start it close to where it ended,her being vampire and such,and have her go to one of Normracks' houses or something and have him be there,can you say drama? =D

And for a closing note,I enjoyed your writing,and the whole story,and if you do decide to make a sequel,when you post it could you email me at ,or if you like,you can use the email given in my profile either is fine with me.So,this ends my ramblings.So,bye.
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