for Legend of Fauna8/27/2005 c2 
7Alankria
You have a truly awesome, original idea here, you really do. The prose needs a little tightening up - sometimes you take a few sentences to say something that could probably say in one or two sentences. But it appears you wrote this a few years ago, so hopefully some editing will fix that.
Are you going to continue this? I hope you do. I really want to see where the idea is going.
One pointer. Be wary of using ideas like fate- making Raptorix and Daego's journey too convenienced. I understand the hole had to open up then, that's okay, but be careful not to use cliches in the future.
Alankria.
7AlankriaYou have a truly awesome, original idea here, you really do. The prose needs a little tightening up - sometimes you take a few sentences to say something that could probably say in one or two sentences. But it appears you wrote this a few years ago, so hopefully some editing will fix that.
Are you going to continue this? I hope you do. I really want to see where the idea is going.
One pointer. Be wary of using ideas like fate- making Raptorix and Daego's journey too convenienced. I understand the hole had to open up then, that's okay, but be careful not to use cliches in the future.
Alankria.
8/27/2005 c1 Alankria
You use commas way too much. It cuts up the prose, prevents it from flowing like it should.
Besides that, you have a very interesting idea here.
You use commas way too much. It cuts up the prose, prevents it from flowing like it should.
Besides that, you have a very interesting idea here.
6/30/2004 c2 15TJ Henri
Still not clear of Raptorix's motivations - she seems a little too aloof for a main character, unless you plan on something bringing her down to earth. Also, I think you've brought too much information into the book at once. For example, now that the reader knows of the existence of the Blue Elves, or the Mages, he/she might have wanted your main characters to be one of them, instead of the Cy-Bytes. In addition, I think it was a mistake to make your main characters the high-tech ones. Usually, in "two friends on a journey" stories, they start off low-tech, like the Kraftlings, and escape their low-tech existence and meet the Mages, and then the Cy-Bytes, increasing in tech as the story goes. Also, giving all your characters implants gives them a clear physical and mental advantage over the Kraftlings and perhaps the Blue Elves.
Points for continuation: think about how the other races are going to react to these mecha-animals. How will the crew of the boat react? Your description is very good, and I like it more than your characters, so keep it up.
15TJ HenriStill not clear of Raptorix's motivations - she seems a little too aloof for a main character, unless you plan on something bringing her down to earth. Also, I think you've brought too much information into the book at once. For example, now that the reader knows of the existence of the Blue Elves, or the Mages, he/she might have wanted your main characters to be one of them, instead of the Cy-Bytes. In addition, I think it was a mistake to make your main characters the high-tech ones. Usually, in "two friends on a journey" stories, they start off low-tech, like the Kraftlings, and escape their low-tech existence and meet the Mages, and then the Cy-Bytes, increasing in tech as the story goes. Also, giving all your characters implants gives them a clear physical and mental advantage over the Kraftlings and perhaps the Blue Elves.
Points for continuation: think about how the other races are going to react to these mecha-animals. How will the crew of the boat react? Your description is very good, and I like it more than your characters, so keep it up.
9/15/2003 c2 Ninmast
That seemed pretty good. I'm looking forward to reading more of it. I'm glad I took your advice and read it.
That seemed pretty good. I'm looking forward to reading more of it. I'm glad I took your advice and read it.
7/7/2003 c2 53The Shady Crew
I'm enjoying this so far, but I think the description feels a bit bogged down. Rather, try spreading it all out throughout the action and incorporate it that way. Other than that, keep it up!
- Master Elf
53The Shady CrewI'm enjoying this so far, but I think the description feels a bit bogged down. Rather, try spreading it all out throughout the action and incorporate it that way. Other than that, keep it up!
- Master Elf
6/29/2003 c1 spacey
I liked it... it needs polish...but very well put together.
I liked it... it needs polish...but very well put together.
6/29/2003 c1 Mike Seafort
Questina:
You have an interesting start to a story here. I am sure you have a back story to explain the reason the wizard put up the spirt borders and how each race developed in diiferent directions. I would be interested in reading more of the story. You have pulled items from several different books that I have read and combined them in an interesting way.
I do have one small issue with your posting. I was put off by the description of each race as anthromorphic. I would just leave out that word, it really does not seem to fit the rest of what you have here. Also, on a world unknown to humans, the anthromorphic reference does not work, unless the planet Fauna is aware of the existance of Earth, which seems unlikely.
Aside from the admittedly nit picky critisism, I really do think you may have something here. The idea of writing is to get the reader to want more, and you have certainly peaked my interest.
Questina:
You have an interesting start to a story here. I am sure you have a back story to explain the reason the wizard put up the spirt borders and how each race developed in diiferent directions. I would be interested in reading more of the story. You have pulled items from several different books that I have read and combined them in an interesting way.
I do have one small issue with your posting. I was put off by the description of each race as anthromorphic. I would just leave out that word, it really does not seem to fit the rest of what you have here. Also, on a world unknown to humans, the anthromorphic reference does not work, unless the planet Fauna is aware of the existance of Earth, which seems unlikely.
Aside from the admittedly nit picky critisism, I really do think you may have something here. The idea of writing is to get the reader to want more, and you have certainly peaked my interest.
3/24/2003 c1 Guardian Collective
I've pretty much told you what I think of this story on AIM, but I'll say it again: *insert Keanu Reeves 'whoa' here* It's a simply amazing start to what will definitely be a simply amazing story. ;P
I've pretty much told you what I think of this story on AIM, but I'll say it again: *insert Keanu Reeves 'whoa' here* It's a simply amazing start to what will definitely be a simply amazing story. ;P