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for Crooked Space Episode 1: The Midnight Special

12/16/2009 c7 66WonderWing
Hahah, yep definitely bebop. guess i didn't read that in the description...

I liked it, and I'd keep reading. I usually like more descriptive novels but I think I could dig the fast-paced adroitness of it all. You should work on getting this published, once you actually listen to your goddamn reviewers and freakin fix the typos n shit in this piece.

Anyways, thanks for the read. I've got nothing to do today, so, I'm gonna move on to Chapter Two!

Good work, space Cowboy...
12/16/2009 c3 WonderWing
'In the coming year, he would be glad that he did.'

I'm sure you know that this is a really bold statement to make. This means that no matter what he goes through from here on, the reader knows that he will live- kind of kills some of the intensity. Maybe if the first two chapters were bulked up JUST a little, like, a little more descriptions or background here and there, I wouldn't have said anything, cuz I would've been too drawn-in. Just my two cents here. It's kinda cuttin it close lol.

"Hey!" the gaurd called out to him. -a talking gaurd, how weird! ^^

oh shit well here it is! Michael takes some action, right on man~ i gotta say i love the pilot too, maybe cuz my name's chuck and i cuss all the time lolz. but everyone loves a 'hell yeah!' kinda guy hahah :oD

"There hiding moron!" -ok i'm starting to think that the other reviewers pointed this shit out already, ur just too lazy to fix it? i'll check after this chapter.

Damn, I don't know how he whooped all those dudes and still managed to lose. that sucks man... i really like this though! Let's keep going!
12/16/2009 c2 WonderWing
'"Exactaly!" the overenthusiastic speaker exclaimed.'

"Typo!" but the over-enthusiastic reader continued...

I like that michael is smart, and the story flows around that. a lot of people are smart and hate reading erroneous details like they're being fed fish food for chumps ya know. i'm one of em.

The fact is, this reads like an anime, like many stories on this site do, but the fact also is that it is an interesting anime in my opinion lol. There still isn't too much originality here but it is good reading anyways. It's sometimes hard to get a good read on fictionpress, u usually have to tone down ur reviews for the little kids n shit ya know.

Another thing that's cool about the story is the personality, it is very rich. The main character is a pretty cool guy heheh. It all flows very well.
12/16/2009 c1 WonderWing
The one thing I like right off the bat is believability; this sounds like something mankind would do. You have a good head on ya, but, then again, with titles like Voodoo Chile and Come Together, ur ass better be pretty good or I'd rip ya heartlessly lol. Voodoo Chile is one of my fave tracks off Electric Ladyland, which- ahh anyways. To the story, man!

Your work is the kind of work that makes me want to write to prove I'm better than you, if ya can feel me here. I mean it's pretty damn good. It has such a tone of definition and factuality to it that I wanna construct my own scifi epic lol.

How interesting, my story starts off relatively similar too. 'Great minds think alike' eh? although i hate to say it, yours proceeds much better than mine hahah ^^

'he starred at himself for as long as he could.' -fix it man..!

nice, i like the scene with the receptionist hahah.

So far in chapter one, I dig everything. Can't wait to read more. Well, I can wait a little. It's interesting, but, not gripping. So far I haven't seen your originality bloom- you're a good writer, for sure, but I wanna see what ideas you have that make you unique. so i'll keep goin eh?

onward, bold and brave~!
4/25/2005 c7 4koku
Two words: Spell Check.

Also, you might want to fix the tenses, makes reading an excellent story rather difficult.
4/29/2004 c7 ChristianGeekGuy
Good wrap up. Good story all-around. It gets the job done in 10 words, and is a short story, not a condensed novel like you often see on FictionPress.
Nice little homage to Cowboy Bebop at the end, though I'm not sure it'll work as well for a story as it does for an anime. Speaking of which, it's odd that CS1 is classified Manga, while 2 and 3 are both Sci-fi.
Anyway, thanks for a good read. Hope my reviews were helpful. I plan on reading your other stuff when I have some time (I still owe 5 other folks a review or two).
4/29/2004 c6 ChristianGeekGuy
"Share the wealth my man." needs to be "Share the wealth, my man." since he's addressing "my man".
Another * break is needed after "Michael walked over to him and injected him with the same poison he had given only moments before". This one was particularily confusing to read :).
"The melee moved into the bridge.": I felt that this was kind of a vague statement for a fight scene. Did they run in? Were they punching the whole way? I think it'd be more fun to read if you elaborated more.
"He's already dead." Hm...or is he? Maybe I read to much into that...or maybe he'll be back.
4/29/2004 c5 ChristianGeekGuy
"He reasoned that his captives probably wouldn't give him any food": "captives" should probably be "captors".
You need another textual break (* or somesuch) after "he walked out the door", since the next paragraph has a shift in setting.
4/29/2004 c4 ChristianGeekGuy
"freighter captains who kill are friends": "are" should be "our".
"as had become the custom when Michael and Farr were standing face to face, Hunter slugged him in the back of the head": this sounds odd. How do you hit a man in the back of the head while you stand face to face?
I think it would be good to have some sort of textual break after the "face to face" paragraph, since Michael is knocked out for a day. Breaks are almost always good when you have a significant change in timeframe or setting.
4/29/2004 c3 ChristianGeekGuy
"Michael decided to take it. In the coming year, he would be glad that he did.": it's only my opinion, but the forshadowing here is really heavy-handed. Might as well say "these two will be working together a lot." (Although that might be what you're going for, I guess).
Also, it might be good to briefly explain the layout of the part of the ship where the fight scene took place so the reader can better envision it.
-"He didn't know quite when he had awaken.": Should be "when he had awoken".
-"'Hey!' the gaurd called": should be guard.
4/29/2004 c2 ChristianGeekGuy
Some typos in this chapter.
-"Exactaly!" should be "exactly".
-"The term also appears in astronamy": it should be astronomy.
"...but she lacks experience", huh? I'm interested to see who this 'she' is.
4/29/2004 c1 ChristianGeekGuy
I must say, I am generally against introductions like this. It's just not a very gripping way to begin, and without a gripping beginning, a lot of people don't have the patience to keep going. One of the great things about Cowboy Bebop was that they had a full, rich, dynamic world, but they still revealed it pretty much all through the story and characters, rather than introducing elements directly, like you do here.
You really need a transition between the "Son of a bitch" line (where he leaves for Mars) and the next paragraph (where he is at Mars).
It seems a little odd to me that there is no security to go through on the way to the office of the Director of the ISDA. Someone could just walk in and blast him...
Still, you know the style you're going for, and you do well at achieving it so far. The introduction makes me want to read more.
3/9/2004 c1 5AlphaGin
I've been tempted to write fanfic because I think it needs an infusion of quality writing. This story shows me that it is out there. You obviously put a lot of thought into it before you write. Are you stalled? This should go further. As far as rewriting, I would suggest the following: Jumping into a new alien environment can saturate your senses, new stuff should come spaced further apart and explained in more detail just for the sake of expanding your audience. Rewrite and continue and this will be on the top of the genre.
4/26/2003 c6 5Bakedo no Hikage
Hey, Bakedo here! Your story was pretty good, I don't know why you're not continuing it! Please do, man!

Nice story, nice dialogue, well- nice writing!


PS_ Please check out my story 2986 escape Chapter 2: Seek Justice! Thank, man!

4/16/2003 c7 4MiroFTW
damn this is good stuff... dunno why you don't continue it. i'm still kinda confused about the true meaning of conjunction and the consortium but it would be nice if you continued the story, anyways. good stuff...
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