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for The Legend of the Lenarean Necklaces

5/7/2006 c10 1Lunaceress
Wow.. it's been a while hasn't it? Awesome chapter as always, can't wait for another. As for my story... I've been working on it off and on for a while now so I'm hoping to finally post it some time soon.
8/5/2005 c10 42RandoMaia
Haha! I was right! I KNEW that she'd start using her powers in this chapter! *happy dance* (Even though I guess it was kinda obvious... -_- feh.)

Anyway, really exciting chapter. Please update soon, because I'll be off in the wilds of Colorado with nothing to do. Lol... WHAT SHALL I DO WITHOUT HIGH-SPEED INTERNET? *Stabs self*

Update... waah, I want a shout-out. Feh.
8/5/2005 c9 RandoMaia
Okay, maybe I was wrong about the stunning revalations... I bet those come next chapter, right? ^_^ but the initiation scene was awesome, as is to be expected. Along with the teaching/training and the showdown, one of the most fun to write!
8/5/2005 c8 RandoMaia
I can just sense a chapter full of startling revalations about Kaly's family...
8/5/2005 c7 RandoMaia
I forgot to squeal about this in my first review, so I'll do it now: OMFG YOU ACTUALLY USE SPELL CHECK! Anyway...

The line "wisdom sat heavily upon his brow" is amazing... lurve the line, dude. Lol.

It occurs to me as I read this and as Kaly speaks more that she speaks very well for a street rat... Just something I thought I'd point out. It still seems natural, but maybe there should be a reason she speaks properly... her friend the innkeeper-whose-name-I-forgot used to be a scholar, maybe.
8/5/2005 c6 RandoMaia
Yay! Secret refuge! *Cheers*

Awesomeness, once again. But, more nitpicking: "At night, Kaly could not sleep. Every time she pictured the snarling wolves..." yadah yadah yadah. You should say "Every time she tried [to]," or at least, "Every time, she pictured" or "she continually pictured," "was haunted/plauged by images of," etc. But other than that, great! W00t for secret refuges and use of powers... the bit in the book where the ignorent magic-posessor or whatever figures out how to use her powers is always so cool! (And the most fun to write, in my opinion...)
8/5/2005 c5 RandoMaia
Ook... dood... d0d...

AWESOME! Luff the plot development. Two really minor things, though: first paragraph, you have the word 'grit' in the wrong tense ("Kaly grit her teeth"). Second-to-last paragraph, you use the word 'grabbed' twice in a sentence. You may like it, but I just feel that it's kinda repetitive and should be avoided in writing, as a rule. Oh well, your choice whether to fix it or not. XDD
8/5/2005 c4 RandoMaia
Ah... the tension builds... One thing, though, is that Kaly seems to be lacking some inner protest. You had some of it, in "I'm not the chosen one" and "I don't want to leave the city," but these should be reoccuring and she needs to doubt these people more, I think. That's just my opinion, and it isn't really necissary. I usually have it in my stories, but maybe I use too much. Eh, I dunno... but again, good plot-building and character-building.

BTW can't spell today... ignore my errors please!
8/5/2005 c3 RandoMaia
o.0

Plotness... Awesome. A lot of suspense here, and you're really building up to something.
8/5/2005 c2 RandoMaia
Ooh... more of this universe's religion... it's always so awesome when a story takes place in a completely different world. Also, luff the character of Kaly.
8/5/2005 c1 RandoMaia
Hey, this looks really good! I've gotta say, this is a really great writing style, nice and olde-looking. ^_^

I'm sorry to disappoint such a criticism-lover, but I honestly can't find anything wrong with this chapter. It looks awesome!
7/29/2005 c5 T. L. Reese
Wow, finally getting to see a glimpse of the bad guys! awesome!

well, as i said, i wanna finishup the last chapter first...

I had a question about the H. protector race. I may have misread, but i was of the opinion that they were a race of their own. If that is the case, why are they randomly poping up? is it a mixed gene thing where dominance pops up every once in a while? i'm confused.

she also says they saw the calling many moons ago...first, it sounds very native american, not to be racist or anything. and its really not needed anyway cause you already said she was 10 at the time.

she goes on to say about the calling - all we know is we can trust it. how do they know? or do they just have no other choice? or force themselves to believe? or has it just nvr failed them and thus has a good track record?

and minor but, you said Thrane came back with foraged vegis. when was the last time you saw carrots growing wildly? fruit from trees or berries (which are fruit) are more likely.

and NOW, this chapter...haha...

when thrane (and by the way, i love that name) saves Kaly she is surprised by his concern if she is ok-why wouldn't he be concerned, no matter who she is? something came after her. i could understand more if it was the other guy cause he didn't seem to like her.

lastly, in their run in the end to escape - kaly was just knocked unconscious and recovered. if she tried to run a marathon right away, she's gonna collaspe again and they didn't even get a change to wrap a cloth around to stop the bleeding.

all in all, this is a GREAT story. i'm really enjoying it. i can't wait to continue.
7/29/2005 c4 T. L. Reese
Short, but you have a talent for exposition. I always stink at exposition and you seem to shine at it.

A couple of simple things I wanted to mention:You've gone this far and not really told us in what time period this is. By dress and similar things, we know its between the middle ages and 1800's, which is quite a time span.

I see also that you brushed an answer for why her mark just appeared, maybe another option, just offering, if that its a coming of age thing? perhaps in this world, 16 is when a person is considered an adult? So, her birthday gift, coming of age then would be to be kidnapped. haha. your story, just an option.

and the thing with the mirror, where she is shown the mark on her back, you need to mirrors to do that - one in front, the other in back. just thought i'd mention it.

I have a couple more comments but i gotta go, so i'll post them the next chapter.

awesome story!
7/29/2005 c3 T. L. Reese
what an...odd encounter. Nonetheless, how wonderful. You sure waste no time getting things moving here. I mean, I really like the character interaction between this band of strangers. They really seem like they've known each other for years.

My biggest concern is that she has the HUGE symbol thing on her back, but she's never noticed it before? Seems a little odd. Maybe they have to do something (I don't know, a spell or something) and it appears on her back, a kind of invisible ink thing, password protected-haha. ? just an idea.

can't wait to keep going!
7/29/2005 c2 T. L. Reese
amazingly perfect! I thought I'd try another one of your stories since I loved Thicker than Water so much!

All I can say is, where is Abu? It occured to me about 1/2 way through that we have a medievil Aladin - though that's not really critique, I wouldn't change a thing.
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