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9/8/2012 c6 Guest
You may want to rearrange a few of the sentences for better flow. For instance, the part in the middle where Max is wiping the tears from his eyes. The sentence structure appears as if Max is upset about how June treated his friend David. I realize that the two characters, David and Max, were laughing just before, but if you move the sentence "June gave him an exasperated expression as he fell into another round of laughter" just above the "tears part," it will be more informative for the reader.
6/4/2008 c1 CandleQueen
Haha, I really loved the first paragraph. A few spelling errors, but all in all, pretty well done. ^ ^

-Ramen
6/17/2006 c5 17invisiblebob
hehehe! I promise I'm still alive... mostly. Just so busy I almost forgot about this great place. I like the chap and I wish I'd known it was up sooner. I love reading your stuff; it makes me happy. The only thing that kinda worried me was midway thru David and June's fight, the tone seemed to be get a bit darker and angsty. It might just be me tho.
6/15/2006 c2 10Kinetic Wolf
wow, intersting, i havent reviewed your stuff in like forever, so here it is a review, interesting relation between Derek and David
4/22/2006 c6 5Dirty White Belt
Oh i love this story.Fabulous darling, just fabulous.Keep up the great work!
1/13/2006 c1 Agent Kisa Katya
Hey I really like the start on this, I'm going to start reading the rest of it, just wanted to let you know that I already liked it. :
12/31/2005 c5 2EyriNyx
WOW, its been a while since i have reviewed. Poor June, being thought of as a crazed women with a disorder. She also needs to organize her purse. *Small objects dropping onto the floor everytime she has to get her beeper* People might really think there is something wrong with her, although David seem to think so already.
12/24/2005 c6 justanotherdeadaccount
You updated! That makes me so happy. I really do like this story.

June is a very interesting character. I know you've probably heard this a million times, but her character has a realness to it. There's somethings she does that makes you smile and think 'Hey...I do that.' (like criticising other peoples bathroom. Haha, I loved the comparison the the flamingo!). Plus, she keeps on surprising me. That's always fun.

David on the other hand seems more laid back, but I suppose that's because he's not the one with the violent streak and the handbag, hmm?

Max is just what I portray an older brother to be like - he promises not to embarass her, but he does anyway. What else are siblings for?

Your characters have a sense of realism in them, I love that so much. It's satisfyingly refreshing.
12/11/2005 c1 3miss-blackhair
this is a really nice read. i like it. hope to hear from you soon! =)
12/4/2005 c6 150SpawnMeister666
This is quite a bizarre chapter and like the last on it suffers a little bit due to typos and basic errors.

Having said that, I just got my first book published and have read through it and thats suffers a little with typos and basic errors too, so I can't really criticise too much!

Editing, editing editing. Why is it so difficult to spot mistakes in your own writing when you can instantly see them in every one elses?

Or is that just me?

I think I need some beer!

Spawny
11/25/2005 c6 aknightsgoldenrose
I really love this story so far. The whole fight in the grocery store sounds like something that might actually happen to me. lol
11/22/2005 c6 sky77
Whoa, I totally missed this chapter for some reason O.o Anyways, uh... I think you can ignore my comment about June's character development xD. But wow, what a change. Poor June, she totally has the hots for David ^^

What I love about TS is that the conversation between the characters flows so naturally- it feels very real. It also goes well with the setting and writing style- it's New York, fast-paced, and hardly anyone's introspective. You conveyed that sense of briskness and spark really well.

And yay for Max! I'm really starting to like the guy =)

Highlights: "deciding that it really wasn’t maroon but a horrid mix of swamp mud and the death of a plum-colored flamingo" xD. OH. MY. GOSH. I love you xD. I also loved the June-Max-David interaction there, as bringing in Max actually changes the June-David dynamic as well. I thought that this was a very nice choice to make in TS.

Things I'd like to see: Hmm... so what kind of stuff *did* David and Max do back in college? xD Anyways, I see a few hints here and there about June's love life and what makes her tick. I like her. I really do. I think you did a good job on her character this chapter. Anyways, I'm not sure what else you have planned, but I've noticed that the pace of the story's slowed down a bit. I'm growing kinda curious on how the new jobs will work out for David and June =)

Again, good job on this chappie! Wow... when did you go to sleep again? 3 am? xD Lolz, good times. I'll be looking forward to the next segment =)
11/22/2005 c5 sky77
Yay for updates! June certainly is a violent person (omgosh, I see what you mean by Maggie and June becoming one composite figure xD), but that makes it all the more fun. Wow, and on another tangent, I think this might be why writing is your stress-reliever/therapy treatment, because uh... your stress certainly shows up in the form of June with a vengeance xD. Umm... and now I'm going to try to do an actual review!

Highlight: The fruit-chucking and the various "weapons" found in June's purse. Absolute genius =)I also noticed that your writing style has changed, although you are still the queen of dialogue, so *high-fives* I am also starting to love June and David tgether. It'll be interesting to see how they end up as a couple though xD. They definitely have a great chemistry and a special spark, which you've managed to convey through their snappy dialogue pretty well =)

Some things I'd like to see: more insight into June, because right now, she's a bit of a mystery (and not just for David xD). Is fruit-bashing simply a quirk of hers? Or does it run deeper, stemming from her restrictive childhood and intense need for- Ok... maybe it is just a quirk xD. But still, I guess I'm also wondering how June as a character works. Aunt Marge seems to know her quite well at least ^^

Anyways, yep. Great chapter. I could tell you had fun writing it =) *hugs* Good luck with school and college apps too!
11/22/2005 c6 murderprotocol
You write so well! I love it - especially your cooky characters. It really gives the story dimensions. I found the description of David's shower curtain delightful and Max and David's reunion was a nice touch.

I did notice what I think is one mistake. "She needed to collect herself and savage what was left of her pride, if any." Should it be 'salvage' instead of 'savage'?

I just can't wait for more. I hope I don't have too wait too many months, although I know all about the pressures of senior year. Good luck and of course, keep writing when you can! :)
11/21/2005 c6 16Elizabeth Gibbs
”Because I’m stuck here now—stuck here because yougot bored”

You missed the space between 'you' and 'got'.

I must say, this kept me interested the whole way. I can't wait for more.
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