for Damien and Laura5/21/2003 c9 
10Maharanjoni
Really good start to the story, It has a neat, original plot along with interesting characters.
I really hope you write more becasue it would be a shame to let such a cool story go to waste.
If you write more I'll read!
-Em
PS - sorry for waiting so long to return the review, school sucks.
10MaharanjoniReally good start to the story, It has a neat, original plot along with interesting characters.
I really hope you write more becasue it would be a shame to let such a cool story go to waste.
If you write more I'll read!
-Em
PS - sorry for waiting so long to return the review, school sucks.
5/5/2003 c4 4AcelinWhitefire
Wow. Interesting as anything. The first few chapters were a bit slow-paced and at first seemed cliche, but now the plot is starting to twist...or at least turn a little bit to the side.
4AcelinWhitefireWow. Interesting as anything. The first few chapters were a bit slow-paced and at first seemed cliche, but now the plot is starting to twist...or at least turn a little bit to the side.
4/13/2003 c9 Hele
well...I think that it would be good if you put a bit more into the dialogue, still...and put in some more information...and checked your spelling and grammar? please? sorry for all that, picky...I thought that this was your best chapter yet, you could relate with Laura well, and it flowed along nicely...although I don't like Damien...he just agreed to betray everyone? even though I can understand his reasoning, I don't like it...*yawns* tired, getting late, no sleep to speak of last night...
well...I think that it would be good if you put a bit more into the dialogue, still...and put in some more information...and checked your spelling and grammar? please? sorry for all that, picky...I thought that this was your best chapter yet, you could relate with Laura well, and it flowed along nicely...although I don't like Damien...he just agreed to betray everyone? even though I can understand his reasoning, I don't like it...*yawns* tired, getting late, no sleep to speak of last night...
4/8/2003 c8 Hele
suspense...sorry about going on a bit earlier, it really wasn't bad..."We'd like to initiate you into our clan" Aghorn replied, getting up. "We shall discuss this in the front parlour" he said walking out the door "but you need to finish getting dressed first" he then said, looking at Damien in dismay.
is a very good bit, but you need to make sure that you do things like it more often. You might find that if you changed POV to, say, Aghorn, it might help you expand the story.
suspense...sorry about going on a bit earlier, it really wasn't bad..."We'd like to initiate you into our clan" Aghorn replied, getting up. "We shall discuss this in the front parlour" he said walking out the door "but you need to finish getting dressed first" he then said, looking at Damien in dismay.
is a very good bit, but you need to make sure that you do things like it more often. You might find that if you changed POV to, say, Aghorn, it might help you expand the story.
4/8/2003 c6 Hele
the same kind of things here...you might want to check on how your characters speak: it's very common for people to have characters speak in over complicated ways that irl, people wouldn't bother with. I do this myself, so I can't really talk, but it irritates me when I do, and I try and correct it. It does work, though, you just need to keep an eye on how you write for a bit.
the same kind of things here...you might want to check on how your characters speak: it's very common for people to have characters speak in over complicated ways that irl, people wouldn't bother with. I do this myself, so I can't really talk, but it irritates me when I do, and I try and correct it. It does work, though, you just need to keep an eye on how you write for a bit.
4/8/2003 c4 Hele
I think that the story works, but you need to break up the dialogue a bit, explaining what they think, and what they feel about the other person's speech rather than just having speech. It's quite good, but I think that you also need to put a bit more description into it.
I think that the story works, but you need to break up the dialogue a bit, explaining what they think, and what they feel about the other person's speech rather than just having speech. It's quite good, but I think that you also need to put a bit more description into it.
4/7/2003 c8 11The Failed Poet
oh! Ouch Ouch Ouch! Damien got caught _badly_! You absolutely have _got_ to get Laura and Gloria there on time... hmm? I know you will though, so I'm not gonna worry. Email me when you update at
THANKS!
11The Failed Poetoh! Ouch Ouch Ouch! Damien got caught _badly_! You absolutely have _got_ to get Laura and Gloria there on time... hmm? I know you will though, so I'm not gonna worry. Email me when you update at
THANKS!
4/5/2003 c8 2arrowhead
nice story you hv got there... i like the characters... and thx 4 the review. I mus tell u i am not a veri gd writer, so i don't mind critics.
Anywae, do continue, i can't wait to see wat happens... :D
2arrowheadnice story you hv got there... i like the characters... and thx 4 the review. I mus tell u i am not a veri gd writer, so i don't mind critics.
Anywae, do continue, i can't wait to see wat happens... :D
4/4/2003 c1 4Framage
Well... i like it. theres really nothing wrong (except that damien is a little mean, but thats part of his character!) i do have one suggestion though, could you maybe perhaps explain a little more about the wixard thing? also discribing characters and setting, now i only read the first chapter cause i dont have alot of time right now, and maybe you explain things better later, so dont get mad at me if im wrong. well... its was awsome and i'll keep on reading. take care.
4FramageWell... i like it. theres really nothing wrong (except that damien is a little mean, but thats part of his character!) i do have one suggestion though, could you maybe perhaps explain a little more about the wixard thing? also discribing characters and setting, now i only read the first chapter cause i dont have alot of time right now, and maybe you explain things better later, so dont get mad at me if im wrong. well... its was awsome and i'll keep on reading. take care.
3/31/2003 c8 1Peter Evans
EEp! This is my first review so please be patient with my clumsy musings.
I shall, of course, begin by noting the good things...
I really like the sense of community in your story. It feels just one step away from reality. My only criticism on this matter is that there could be a few more references to non-magical folk, how they feel about this crisis. But maybe you are about to enlighten us on that.
You have a good ear for dialogue. The characters talk as they would to different genders, ages etc. The speech flows smoothly and realistically.
The plot certainly moves along quickly! You clearly are a fan of the show-don't-tell rule. Makes it something of a page turner.
Now for bad things, like some unpleasant puppy biting at your ankles and eating your favourite slippers.
Not enough description. The story could really benefit with the odd descriptive passage. We need a better feeling as to what the town looks like, the atmosphere and the people. More description earlier on when following Damien, would have made his disorientation and isolation more effective later, as he would seem completely out of his element and isolated from his friends in a strange place.
Must have, not must of. But I used to have that problem in English at High school all the time and had to be shouted at to break out of it. Repeatedly. Tricky, I know.
Punctuation is a bit off, though this will come to you. I'm still a bit unsure as to what to do with semi-colons myself.
Damien needed a little more motivation on the whole Anghon hunting thing. Perhaps he needed to prove himself, impress Laura or try to build a whole new life for himself. A little internal debate as to whether his course of action was wise or not would flesh the character out nicely.
Don't worry about too many similarities at this stage to J.K.R's effort. It's an old story, the theme of the escaped mage and the quest. But do throw in unexpected twists carrying us away from what we would expect of the Voldemort plot later on. These twists can give opportunities for funny crushing of expectations and nice little ironies.
All in all, I think I'll keep up with this one. I like the perspective coming from jaded teenagers. Just as the magical community is a different life to the majority, full of its own concerns, so do these teenagers seem to lead a different existence to their parents and peers! Could bring up some interesting friction and surprises, I reckon. The plot could also go anywhere at this stage. Yep, I'll keep with this page turner.
Oh, and if you could read and review my effort. A dark and strange tale (Gaiman meets Peake, hopefully) of (so far) sea-side villages, moors, hired killers, a primative version of the local directory, sculptures, madness, whimsy, death and people forcibly changed to frightening effect. And a plot line fully fleshed out ahead of writing.
Thanks again for sharing your work, DarkSourceress. The more writers out there the better. I'll read your other stuff later, cheers!
1Peter EvansEEp! This is my first review so please be patient with my clumsy musings.
I shall, of course, begin by noting the good things...
I really like the sense of community in your story. It feels just one step away from reality. My only criticism on this matter is that there could be a few more references to non-magical folk, how they feel about this crisis. But maybe you are about to enlighten us on that.
You have a good ear for dialogue. The characters talk as they would to different genders, ages etc. The speech flows smoothly and realistically.
The plot certainly moves along quickly! You clearly are a fan of the show-don't-tell rule. Makes it something of a page turner.
Now for bad things, like some unpleasant puppy biting at your ankles and eating your favourite slippers.
Not enough description. The story could really benefit with the odd descriptive passage. We need a better feeling as to what the town looks like, the atmosphere and the people. More description earlier on when following Damien, would have made his disorientation and isolation more effective later, as he would seem completely out of his element and isolated from his friends in a strange place.
Must have, not must of. But I used to have that problem in English at High school all the time and had to be shouted at to break out of it. Repeatedly. Tricky, I know.
Punctuation is a bit off, though this will come to you. I'm still a bit unsure as to what to do with semi-colons myself.
Damien needed a little more motivation on the whole Anghon hunting thing. Perhaps he needed to prove himself, impress Laura or try to build a whole new life for himself. A little internal debate as to whether his course of action was wise or not would flesh the character out nicely.
Don't worry about too many similarities at this stage to J.K.R's effort. It's an old story, the theme of the escaped mage and the quest. But do throw in unexpected twists carrying us away from what we would expect of the Voldemort plot later on. These twists can give opportunities for funny crushing of expectations and nice little ironies.
All in all, I think I'll keep up with this one. I like the perspective coming from jaded teenagers. Just as the magical community is a different life to the majority, full of its own concerns, so do these teenagers seem to lead a different existence to their parents and peers! Could bring up some interesting friction and surprises, I reckon. The plot could also go anywhere at this stage. Yep, I'll keep with this page turner.
Oh, and if you could read and review my effort. A dark and strange tale (Gaiman meets Peake, hopefully) of (so far) sea-side villages, moors, hired killers, a primative version of the local directory, sculptures, madness, whimsy, death and people forcibly changed to frightening effect. And a plot line fully fleshed out ahead of writing.
Thanks again for sharing your work, DarkSourceress. The more writers out there the better. I'll read your other stuff later, cheers!
3/24/2003 c1 3VintageSupergirl
Wow! I've only read the first chapter and I'm already hooked. Keep it up!
If you have time, please r&r my poem: The Kind of Girl That's Me. Tell me your opinions and criticisms!
3VintageSupergirlWow! I've only read the first chapter and I'm already hooked. Keep it up!
If you have time, please r&r my poem: The Kind of Girl That's Me. Tell me your opinions and criticisms!
3/23/2003 c1 10Eleri
So far so good. I don't have time to read it all now, but i'm definitely coming back.
Sorry I can't leave a great list of suggestions, I'm not great at that. When I have
managed to read the whole thing to date, I'll give it a shot.
Keep writing ;-)
10EleriSo far so good. I don't have time to read it all now, but i'm definitely coming back.
Sorry I can't leave a great list of suggestions, I'm not great at that. When I have
managed to read the whole thing to date, I'll give it a shot.
Keep writing ;-)
3/17/2003 c1 18Val Mora
Good start. This is a good beginning, and has quite a lot of potential; however, it seems as though you've gotten many of your ideas from J.K. Rowling - you refer to the gender of a magic-user using terms that have different connotations, except in J.K. Rowling's books, and you begin the story by making the problem with an evil wizard who escaped from a wizard prison. Admittedly, this wizard wants to do the overtaking himself, but that doesn't really hurt the image of your villain being a cross between Voldemort and Sirius Black. However, if you're careful to go in very different directions from those that Rowling went in, you'll be fine.
My other comment is that quotes have punctuation; all of your quotations lack it. Statements either end in a comma or a period, depending on the situation, while exclamations and questions are punctuated the same. Fix that, and you could improve this quite a bit.
Other than that, this is pretty good.
Also, thank you for reading and reviewing "The Court of Swords".
18Val MoraGood start. This is a good beginning, and has quite a lot of potential; however, it seems as though you've gotten many of your ideas from J.K. Rowling - you refer to the gender of a magic-user using terms that have different connotations, except in J.K. Rowling's books, and you begin the story by making the problem with an evil wizard who escaped from a wizard prison. Admittedly, this wizard wants to do the overtaking himself, but that doesn't really hurt the image of your villain being a cross between Voldemort and Sirius Black. However, if you're careful to go in very different directions from those that Rowling went in, you'll be fine.
My other comment is that quotes have punctuation; all of your quotations lack it. Statements either end in a comma or a period, depending on the situation, while exclamations and questions are punctuated the same. Fix that, and you could improve this quite a bit.
Other than that, this is pretty good.
Also, thank you for reading and reviewing "The Court of Swords".
3/13/2003 c8 User64654613134654
DUN DUN DUN! Hehe. What will they ever do? A bit short but not a real problem. Keep it up.
DUN DUN DUN! Hehe. What will they ever do? A bit short but not a real problem. Keep it up.