for Damien and Laura3/13/2003 c8 FadeAway
WOW! Very imaginative. Write more soon!
WOW! Very imaginative. Write more soon!
3/11/2003 c7 User64654613134654
Well, very intresting! I'm definitly hooked on the story. I'll check back later for more so write! ^_^
Well, very intresting! I'm definitly hooked on the story. I'll check back later for more so write! ^_^
3/11/2003 c4 User64654613134654
They seem really eager to fight off the bad guy, which is good. But when I think of about the situation, it's really foolish of them to go face to face with him. Hmm. I dunno
They seem really eager to fight off the bad guy, which is good. But when I think of about the situation, it's really foolish of them to go face to face with him. Hmm. I dunno
3/11/2003 c3 User64654613134654
Heya! I like Damien alot. His character is intriging. The only thing your story lacks so far is an intresting hook. Well, ok I lied. YOu got it but at the end of this chapter. I think it would be better if you added something to the begining that would make readers want to read more more then they do as it is now.
Heya! I like Damien alot. His character is intriging. The only thing your story lacks so far is an intresting hook. Well, ok I lied. YOu got it but at the end of this chapter. I think it would be better if you added something to the begining that would make readers want to read more more then they do as it is now.
2/24/2003 c1 
5Aezy
Ok interesting, I like the plot idea so far, just a few things to point out.
1)Try to include more description, i.e what was the hall like? What does Laura look like? What does Damien look like?
2)You use replied alot. You use said alot. Try using a theasurus and look up some other words to describe 'said' and 'replied'
3) Why not give other characters names? Evidently, the parents are going to play at least some part in this story, so it would b a good idea to name them.
Ok, that's my three cents worth :)
Aezy
5AezyOk interesting, I like the plot idea so far, just a few things to point out.
1)Try to include more description, i.e what was the hall like? What does Laura look like? What does Damien look like?
2)You use replied alot. You use said alot. Try using a theasurus and look up some other words to describe 'said' and 'replied'
3) Why not give other characters names? Evidently, the parents are going to play at least some part in this story, so it would b a good idea to name them.
Ok, that's my three cents worth :)
Aezy
2/19/2003 c6 1Atra Ludio
Hm. you replied to one of my peices, so the least I could do would be to heat your drop. Common decency and whatnot.
I probably should have read this when I was more in the mood to settle down and read something. But I can honestly say this would have been a much better read if I was in bed at the light of my lamp then at my computer with the light of my moniter. Know what I'm saying?
But your writing itself was rather suprisingly good and interesting. It kept me reading. Albiet there were a few mistakes, but they were the kind I find myself making and can only improve with more writing. So like, really it's all good.
Mo-mentai.
1Atra LudioHm. you replied to one of my peices, so the least I could do would be to heat your drop. Common decency and whatnot.
I probably should have read this when I was more in the mood to settle down and read something. But I can honestly say this would have been a much better read if I was in bed at the light of my lamp then at my computer with the light of my moniter. Know what I'm saying?
But your writing itself was rather suprisingly good and interesting. It kept me reading. Albiet there were a few mistakes, but they were the kind I find myself making and can only improve with more writing. So like, really it's all good.
Mo-mentai.
2/18/2003 c1 20Animalitia
Your characters are believable and diverse. your locations could use a little more detail, but I have that problem too. I like your storylines, and, asside from a few grammer errors, you really are a good writer.
20AnimalitiaYour characters are believable and diverse. your locations could use a little more detail, but I have that problem too. I like your storylines, and, asside from a few grammer errors, you really are a good writer.
2/16/2003 c5 Lisa-Ann
Right, I haven't exactly read any of this yet, as am only allowed so long on the net. But I've saved the chapters with the full intention of reading them and then coming back with a signed review.
Btw, Scarborough is also a town on the northeast coast of England. I was born there and it's great. Thought you'd like to know.
Lisa-Ann
PS- Could you go have a look at some of my stuff? It's fantasy as well, albeit very different to this :)
Right, I haven't exactly read any of this yet, as am only allowed so long on the net. But I've saved the chapters with the full intention of reading them and then coming back with a signed review.
Btw, Scarborough is also a town on the northeast coast of England. I was born there and it's great. Thought you'd like to know.
Lisa-Ann
PS- Could you go have a look at some of my stuff? It's fantasy as well, albeit very different to this :)
2/6/2003 c4 1Talissa
This story is going very nicely. Your writing is much smoother here than some of your other stories, which is making it much easier to read. You definitely have potential in your writing style.
One little grammar point to pick you up on (not the only one, but one of my little quirks) is that it's "must have", not "must of". I know that it seems to be a fairly common mistake, but it's still incorrect English. It comes from people mishearing the contraction "must've" (which is acceptable in speech only).
Grammar lesson over. Keep reading, writing and sharing.
~Talissa
1TalissaThis story is going very nicely. Your writing is much smoother here than some of your other stories, which is making it much easier to read. You definitely have potential in your writing style.
One little grammar point to pick you up on (not the only one, but one of my little quirks) is that it's "must have", not "must of". I know that it seems to be a fairly common mistake, but it's still incorrect English. It comes from people mishearing the contraction "must've" (which is acceptable in speech only).
Grammar lesson over. Keep reading, writing and sharing.
~Talissa
2/1/2003 c2 1Madame Mad
I really, really like this so far!=^_^= Your writing style is excellent! I particularly like the dialogue between Damien and Sarah. Your characters are all so well-shaped and it's only the second chapter! Great work on the character development!=^_^=...You're a great writer...Continue!
1Madame MadI really, really like this so far!=^_^= Your writing style is excellent! I particularly like the dialogue between Damien and Sarah. Your characters are all so well-shaped and it's only the second chapter! Great work on the character development!=^_^=...You're a great writer...Continue!
2/1/2003 c2 scips-2006
Hey, I like your story...its really neat. Hurry up and get some more chapters up. As for The Chane Files, I've hit a block in the road and I can't seem to get the 4th chapter right. It sould be up in the next week or two, so, keep on checking back, thanks.
Hey, I like your story...its really neat. Hurry up and get some more chapters up. As for The Chane Files, I've hit a block in the road and I can't seem to get the 4th chapter right. It sould be up in the next week or two, so, keep on checking back, thanks.
1/30/2003 c1 7Sam Mellor
Very good. At this stage Damien is a little TOO dislikable, but this may change with more stories, which, by the way, I want more of. NOW! MORE! I'm impressed by your writing style, I've just added you to my favourite authors list.
7Sam MellorVery good. At this stage Damien is a little TOO dislikable, but this may change with more stories, which, by the way, I want more of. NOW! MORE! I'm impressed by your writing style, I've just added you to my favourite authors list.