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5/1/2005 c2 OverweightShinobi
It's pretty interesting plot, but some of your sentances are stretched out far too much with commas. For instance:

although he didn't expect anyone to be here, and walked to the kitchen, the smell of the carcass still infesting his nostrils, like a fog, covering everything.

There are two ways to fix that:

although he didn't expect anyone to be there, he walked to the kitchen. The smell of the carcass still infesting his nostrils like a fog, covering everything.

Or

although he didn't expect anyone to be there, he walked to the kitchen, the smell of the carcass still infested his nostrils like a fog, covering everything.

Many more sentances sound like this in your story, and they need a little fixing. By the way, I'm eleven...
12/10/2004 c2 6Green Beret
i seem to be a bit confused as to what is actually happening in the second chapter? why would some weird guy throw a beheaded animal through a window? and WHY would the guy drink its blood?

its very well written other than that, but i am slightly confused as to what is going on.

please write more!
12/26/2003 c2 6Cyanic Blue
ohh I like it! Are you going to make any more chapters? Thanks for reviewing mine, you're really good at writing! I agree with Lavender about the story, good job though!
5/30/2003 c1 8Teresz
I must say, of the 3 writing by you I have read, i like this one the best. So was it all a dream? vrry graphic, but graphic is good. I really want to read chapter 2, but I have to go to bed. It stinks!
2/26/2003 c2 9Lavender Bell
So far this is amazing. I'm envious; at 13 I think you may be more talented than I am at 20. Doh. Anyway, I can't wait to see what happens next and to see what's making them act the way they are.

A few nitpicks, in chapter 1, why wouldn't Michelle's father be home from work? I have to imagine that her mother would have called him to let him know that their daughter had cut part of her ear off.

And in chapter 2, your dialogue is sometimes a little wooden, especially when Sam comes back over - neither of them seems all that disturbed by the rotten animal corpse they're so casually discussing (and flinging around!).

Whew, I hope this was a helpful review and not just incoherent rambling, but either way know that I really enjoy your writing. ^^;

-Lavender
2/9/2003 c2 2fadewiththesong
Interesting. Keep going!
2/7/2003 c1 fadewiththesong
I think its excellent!

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