9/27/2006 c1 2Laeden
Um... I found a lot of technical errors and a few grammatical errors in your writing. Firstly, a leutenant is an officer. Officers don't come straight of of basic training no matter what branch of the US military you're talking about, and probably any other military for that matter.

Secondly, you don't have any backround information. All I know is there's a woman at a funeral and a "virus" that's mentioned once in referrence to some dead people. Sorry, but you don't really have a good base for a story here.

Also, if an underlying rank is talking to him, he wouldn't suggest orders to be given to him. "'Do you wish to assign a coroner?'"

You have a grammatical error in the very first line. You said 'Sir' it should be "Sir." Appostrophies are only when there is dialog within dialog, for possesion or for replacing letters. Examples:A: "I think he said 'don't touch the red button,'" Bob claimed. Or if I'm siting work and the work I'm citing is within dialog, I need to use quotations because it's not my work and then apostophies to show it's in dialog. "He especially hated it when they did it twice in one breath. 'Damage report.'"B: Bob's cat. The cats' (plural possesion) food. C: Don't (do not) etc.

You're also telling me what happened in this line. "Wong nearly shot the man who had come up silently behind him." That's telling me what happened-that's boring. Show me what happened. "A hand grabbed Wong's shoulder from behind. He spun around grasping the butt of his pistol." It makes it unpredictable, you don't know what's going to happen. Saying "Wong nearly shot the man who had come up silently behind him." is too predictable and frankly, boring.

You're also too wordy. You hae too many adverbs. This is a common problem. I don't think I've ever writen a review in which I didn't need to say that.

"Wong nearly shot the man""Wong glared sourly" etc.

You need to say things with your verbs not adverbs. Verbs say a lot more than adverbs do. For example, saying "wong glared sourly" is redundant, because a glare already implies displeasure, anger, agression and a million other emotions. When the adverb is not implied, then find another verb. Example:

"She walked smoothly down the street."

That's bad. Try this.

"She strode down the street.""Skipped down the street.""Swifted down the street.""Jogged down the street.""Dragged herself down the street.""hopped down the street."

There's so many verbs you can use to describe emotion and movement at the same time and it makes your characters more complex and realistic.

To be honest, I think too many writers just write without reading. People need to READ. Read actual books cover to cover. Pay attention to the sentence structure, the amount of adverbs, adjectives and verb-variation there is.

Also, the funeral part doesn't make any sense to me at all. You have a crazy woman there, but no one know's why and she's just a distraction. Plus, you need to show she's crazy, not say "a crazy woman." Through her actions, let the reader make up their own mind about her. That's the whole fun of reading. Not just being told who people are or what's happing, but actually "experiancing" it.

"Hands on her amrs quickly pulled her back and steered her away." That sentence is extremely awkward. And "'No, hon. You shouldn't do that. It's not polite." You say it's a woman, but here she's being spoken to like a child. It doesn't make sense. No one would call a grown woman "hon" if they were a stranger. Also, I know that word says it's "hon," but I don't agree with the spelling, I think it's "hun." I don't think just because it's short for "honey," it's writen "hon." The short for "honey" doesn't sound anything like "hun." Not really wrong, but I just don't agree with the spelling.

Also, I don't think someone would say "damn you" aloud at a funeral. Also, like I said before. I don't know what's going on and it's a distraction and a turn off.

Read.

4/28/2006 c1 4write-it-like-you-mean-it
wow

nice, it sorta reminds me of resident evil but without zombies and a nice creepy feel to it, well done

10/15/2005 c1 John Michael Kain
Hey, this was good. Fantastic dialogue and decent ending here. Realistic and a smooth read. Well done.

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http:/w.horrificus.comhttp:/w.byzarium.com

7/11/2005 c1 18Ryan M. Wells
Very nicely done! I loved The Stand, and I love the way your story links to it. Keep writing!

(oh, and the name "Tanaka" sounds familiar...Star Wars, maybe?)

4/10/2005 c1 5Cyclonica
I can think of nothing to say, and yet I feel I must review... I don't think I get the complete thing, but what I do get is happily chilling. Go beaurocracy. And the government, of course.

5/23/2004 c1 3Clever Fox Cub
I don't want it to end there... It's so good! Short, mysterious, and great. I want to know what books you got published, so I can go out and read those too! Wonderful work!

9/14/2003 c1 17zamnath
good. i can definately see the similarities between the stand and this book. it might have been better if they had had more differences between them. liked it anyways.