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for A Healer of Hearts

3/27/2006 c1 Magentian LAAAZY AUTHOR
Well, -I- would work for monkeys... I dunno about you.
3/24/2006 c5 kate
i just read the whole of the fist paragraph wondering why these men would be working for "monkey"...only to re-read and find that its not "monkeys" but "money"...*rolls eyes* Im so stupid...
3/23/2006 c1 kate
hey, im actually going to read this...*smiles*for some reason, today struck me as the perfect day to become interested.

love yah
12/30/2005 c30 1Flying With Fish
Wow! This is good! ^_^ It's been almost nine months since you last updated.. I hop that this story isn't discontinued... If it twere, it would be a sad, sad loss. *nods her head solmny* especially since you've left us with such a cliffie!

Perhaps I'll email you to see what is up... hum...

Well, until next time,~Nam Ghosthand
5/27/2005 c30 18Isisoftheunderground
Good job on this one. ^_~ I really liked it, you know? It was quite breathtaking and I practically had my nose pressed to the screen the whole time. I really hope that you update soon.

P.S. At last! Finals are over and I am free of the chains that link me to the hell that they call school. I can't wait until Upward bound this summer... and getting to learn Chinese too! Yay!
6/30/2004 c25 Isisoftheunderground
cant read any farther right now *sigh, I hope Liam gets well...
6/25/2004 c15 Chrimbi
really good so far... I could only read this far because it is , umm...late and I'm tired so I will begin again tomorrow...PEACE, luvin this story so far though...
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
1/6/2004 c25 12Naamela
OK, down to business...btw, did you know I just gave you your hundredth review? You're in the big leagues now! ^-^
Fear my evil reviews! Mwah ha ha ha ha!
First order of business. The paragraphs at the beginning where Liam wakes up for two seconds are terribly confusing. It's hard to tell exactly what happens-does he go back to "sleep?" Is he dead? Is Ultimight possessing his mind? Well, maybe not the last one, but it still wants clarification. And it's unclear why Oralicon can touch Liam and Raum can't.
Raum has a hissy fit again. Could stand to be a little more understated, but maybe it works as is.
Why isn't Oralicon still upset that Raum doesn't love him? Wouldn't he still have a chip on his shoulder about that? I mean, it was just a few hours ago...but then again, considering how fast things move in your story, a few hours can have the value of a few months. ^^
"Cruel hoax"-how is it a hoax?
I love Shark's impression of the Watchers. Very amusing. Oh, and nice use of thesaurusey words, too. :P
You do like torturing your characters, don't you? Or maybe you don't, but you feel a strange compulsion to. In that case, I recommend therapy, chocolate, and fuzzy toe socks.
Whoa-Oralicon is Nevra's son? I had no idea. Isn't that a little...sketchy, since Oralicon and Raum were a couple for a while (two seconds)?
Hm, I never thought of Raum as "frightfully stubborn." A little, sure, but not frightfully at all. Maybe I'm wrong. My memory is miserable.
All those things aside, this chapter really wasn't too bad; in fact, it was rather good, no matter WHAT you say. And I'm definitely waiting for the next! Beannachd leat! (Why did I just say "bye" in Gaelic? I have no idea...)
-Scotia Li
P.S. Am about to start posting QM again on Fictionpress, under the title "Tomb of the Worlds." Would ya like to beta-read some of my chapters before I post 'em? Or something? Heck, just IM me, I miss talking to you. You're never online-it's always your mom, and I think she's annoyed with me. ^_~ Ciao bella~
1/3/2004 c25 Scotia Li
TEN MORE? That's not "almost done." You'd beter EDIT FAST, missy, or I'll lose my patience.
You know what? I'll do a decent review later. I'm sleepy. ...e-mail me or something...yeah. Bye.
1/3/2004 c24 java joe
your emotions were right, but the chapter lacked somthing. I think it lacked oralicons feelings when raum told him she didnt love him.
12/27/2003 c24 Naamela
Oh, have it your way. You'd better update NOW, then. Hmph.
All right, that's all I'm saying. Review is over.
You're not gonna let me get away with that, are you?
Damn you!
Fine.
For some reason, Raum just doesn't seem evil at all to me. I think it's her voice. It sounds like she's complaining pointlessly about the evil inside her, when there really isn't that much. She could stand to sound, maybe, a bit less world-weary.
And you should stretch the time so it's MORE than eleven or twelve days. That just sounds too fast for human relationships to form like that.
"I'd run out of the house before he could spoil things for me too much..." hard to tell WHO "he" is. You didn't reveal it was Oralicon's father until about two paragraphs later.
He. Raum should have brought a coat. Which reminds me, it was relatively warm eleven or twelve days ago...again, you might wanna change that. If it SEEMS like it could have been a longer time since the beginning, it probably SHOULD have been a longer time since the beginning.
Grumpy lethargy. Good phrase. ^-^
What's with Shark, anyway? I thought he was finally going to stick with Ultimight and betray the elves. Exactly what is he doing? It's kinda vague.
"a burden of worry which was fed by the river of her fear"-mixed metaphor. Ouch. You sound like Bush or someone.
I really like the whole scene between Raum and Liam. It's tastefully done and tastefully ended before it gets too dramatic, as you lament in the author's note. Raum does have trouble coming back into her own body again, doesn't she?
That brings me to my next point (or maybe it doesn't, but I'm going in chronological order): And YOU say I'M not supposed to use the "it's all my fault" guilt trippy thing on Rhysta? You shameless snivelling hypocrite. :) I'm not being too hard on you, am I? ^^ Oh, and what was that bit about condemning me for having my characters carry bodies around? OK, so Liam's not exactly dead yet (instert Monty Python reference here), but it's the same thing.
The "death has nothing on me" bit doesn't really make sense. Clarify, clarify, clarify. Wait, there's Evil Raum. So she does have an evil side...maybe it could be a bit more consistent, since when she's lamenting it, she's in this good and pure and perfect sort of voice. Makes her sound like she's got a split personality.
He~! I like the part where Raum calls Oralicon a fool. She should have said it alound. Like Mr. T. Foo'!
Oh, god. I DON'T like the part where Raum says "please don't hate me." Well, it's not that bad, I take it back. Just kinda whiny. And then the "I don't love you" part-no kidding. It's been, what, ten days since they met? Like I said, relationships don't happen that fast, author's wishes or no.
Folly! Haha.
Gah, yes, the last part was too much drama and trauma and heartbreaking. Oralicon had it coming. (You knew I would say that. Although he has a *tres* cool name, I don't like him.)
98 reviews, you go girl and all that. Now update.
You heard me.
Edit like the wind, Bull's-Eye! ^-^ TTYL OL.
11/23/2003 c22 27Brighty
I was happy to finally hear Raum is not your role model, and you don't approve of everything she does. I was afraid you actually supported her cruelty.

Ultimight turned out to be not so bad - rather bitter and desperate. It'd be great if he, too, was healed by Raum. After all, he had a difficult life.

The conversation between Raum and Ultimight reminded me of that Joan of Arc movie I saw a little while ago. You know where the devil convinces Jean she hadn't killed in God's sake, but actually enjoyed the killing. In the end, Jean has the devil confess her before her execution. It was a powerful scene in the movie, it was a powerful scene in your story.

Good job. A little comment: you might wanna get rid of some pieces of the narration that didn't contribute to the whole story, to the character development. I don't mean this chapter, I'm talking more of the beginning.
11/21/2003 c23 12Naamela
WHEE~! Another chapter! *happy dance*

Actually, I had to leave in the middle of it, which is why I didn't review before. I don't think this chapter is as bad as you do...it's not your best, but it's not your worst, either.

Maybe you're right, and Raum is a bit cliche-there are SO many characters out there who can't control their powers completely, think they're falling into evil, blah blah blah. *cough*StarWars*cough* I'd work on rephrasing the bit where Raum's all worried about being evil so that it at least sounds original-remember, originality is the art of stealing creatively. ^-^

Ya know, if Raum had killed Oralicon, he *wouldn't* have understood.

He would have been dead.

You can't understand things when you're dead. Unless you're a ghost.

But I've lost my train of thought.

Oh, and Oralicon has always seemed a little two-dimensional: once Raum got rid of his angstiness, there really didn't seem to be that much too him. I like where you say, "Oralicon, though taken aback, refused to abandon his hold on what he thought of as reason." You should develop that trait.

Wait. So they're taking Liam to the elves? It definitely looks like they just got up and walked away, leaving him here like a sack of...lint or something. (Whoa. Where'd I get THAT simile?) You should at least make a few more references throughout the chapter to Liam's presence. Unless I'm wrong, and they really DID leave him there. Which they didn't.

The town's a nice setting. A very nice setting. ^_~

You really ought to cut down on the teenager-isms: crap, bull, etc. It takes away from the fantasy setting, and your characterization would do fine without.

Sarah could stand sounding more like an eight-year-old and less like a psychologist. ^^ But she's not too bad. I like her.

Watcher giggles! XD

Your style, erratic and abrasive? *gasps* Never.

Hey, you stole my virtual cookie thingy! Well, at least you stole it with ORIGINALITY.

Hurry! Edit the new chapter!

Ciao ciao.

-Skosh
11/8/2003 c21 27Brighty
Well, well, well... I haven't been around for a while and what do I see when I come back? Oralicon's forgotten, Liam's suicidal and Raum's powerless.

First of all, I was RIGHT! Kim WAS Ultimight's spy. I probably guessed thanks to your foreshadowing. What can I say about the rape scene? You do have a perverted mind, lol. You just had to make Raum watch it, huh?

I didn't quite understand what "deceased immortals" meant.

Other than that, you have a nice character development here. The heroes finally look like people (elves?) with thoughts and feelings and not some video game characters. I think, the guilt feelings are a little bit overdone. Why in the world would Liam need Raum's forgiveness? First of all, he didn't know Kim was Ultimight's agent. Secondly, it's not like he cheated on Raum as if he had some commitment to her. Then, again, how can an immortal kill himself?

One more time, I have some comparisons to make. I am NOT accusing you of plagiarism!

Liam's "I think it is what I deserve, my penance" reminded me of Rascolnikov's reasons to refrain from killing himself. The way you said Liam was at the crossroads after his first real sin made me think of Dorian Grey. He also faced the choice to either stop the evil or ignore his conscience and go on with the sin. Luckily, Liam chose a different way then Dorian did.

Conclusion: much more interesting for me than the first chapters, but the magic stuff still freaks me out.
10/21/2003 c22 12Naamela
Whe! Time to read a new chapter. Happy me! ^-^

You know what's weird? There's an ad for hair loss treatment at the top of this page. Of all the things...

It was a little hard to tell what Kim and Liam were talking about-very ambiguous-but I'm sleepy right now, so maybe it's not your problem.

So these fantasy characters are well acquainted with atomic theory? It seems a bit strange...maybe you could find another way to phrase that bit.

Does Raum have to gasp "HIM!" ? I mean, that merits at least an "Oh my god!"-or can she find no better way to comment on Ultimight's appearance than to identify what third person pronoun he uses? Hehe.

"I've come for your eternal life." Sign here, on the dotted line, please, sir. Thank you for your business. (A little sell-your-soul-to-the-devil-ish. You can find a more striking way to phrase that.)

I'm only nitpicking because I'm enjoying this chapter so much that I want to see it become PERFETTO. That's Italian for PERFECT. And I don't know why I'm talking in Italian.

*Pink* lightning? Oh how dignified.

I love the moral conflict ish ness here. It's obviously well-thought-out.

Wait...I thought Liam's atoms were being torn apart (which, by the way, would be nuclear fission. Ahh, radioactivity is such fun!), but once you said that, you never come back to it. He dies in a very Hollywood-special-effects way (I'm using a lot of hyphens in this review!), which is cool, but what happened to the atoms thingy? Tsk, tsk...consistency, young lady.

"It was the last straw" is cliche, not powerful and climactic enough for such a moment. It's like in a movie, if people are trying to disarm a bomb before it explodes the world...five seconds left...three...oh no oh no...one second...

and then the bomb explodes...

and it goes "poof."

You see my point? ^-^ I'm exaggerating, of course-it was one sentence, and it didn't make too much of a difference, but *still.* Nitpicking, remember?

Four paragraphs below: don't use the word "sweetest." EvilRaum rocks. Evil people rock in general.

If the blade pierced Kim's diaphragm, she probably wouldn't have been able to breathe. Unless it was a very small hole, which I don't think it was.

Ew. Gory.

I thought Kim had determined that Liam was all but dead, and then he wakes up?

"The one color I've seen wayy too much of today"-too teenagerish. Fix it.

Oralicon doesn't seem to have done too much lately. He's like a bystander...or maybe that's just my impression?

AWESOME ending. Very understated.

Sorry this review was so late. And sorry it was kinda harsh-it was harsh because I liked the chappie so much.

Ciao ciao.

-Scotia Li
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