for Sugar and Til6/6/2005 c1 poops mcgee
So far I've only read the first chapter, and to say the least your writing seems very very passive. You seem to want to tell the reader about everything, rather than just show it, which is understandable; it's a very common pitfall to get stuck in because telling the reader about things is much easier than showing it by characters' actions or dialogue or events.
What I mean to say is, you have a lot of narrative and very little character interaction. Your characters, as a result, seem flat and dull. We only know so much as you have told us so far and we aren't able to make many assumptions or judgments for ourselves.
The story itself appears interesting and most certainly has potential, but the writing I would suggest needs to be reworked. Of course, these are just suggestions. I'll read the later chapters soon, but for now - bedtime for me!
So far I've only read the first chapter, and to say the least your writing seems very very passive. You seem to want to tell the reader about everything, rather than just show it, which is understandable; it's a very common pitfall to get stuck in because telling the reader about things is much easier than showing it by characters' actions or dialogue or events.
What I mean to say is, you have a lot of narrative and very little character interaction. Your characters, as a result, seem flat and dull. We only know so much as you have told us so far and we aren't able to make many assumptions or judgments for ourselves.
The story itself appears interesting and most certainly has potential, but the writing I would suggest needs to be reworked. Of course, these are just suggestions. I'll read the later chapters soon, but for now - bedtime for me!
11/21/2003 c10 
39Sakura163
Wow!
It's very real! That's why I like it!
Seems as tho it could happen to anyone!
39Sakura163Wow!
It's very real! That's why I like it!
Seems as tho it could happen to anyone!
10/31/2003 c9 Sakura163
WOW! Well we know about Sugar's feelings Toward Til. Will Til have some ons to feel like that about soon? I hope so.
WOW! Well we know about Sugar's feelings Toward Til. Will Til have some ons to feel like that about soon? I hope so.
10/31/2003 c7 Sakura163
I knew it ! I figured it out! God I was hoping Til and Sugar would hook up but guess not!
I knew it ! I figured it out! God I was hoping Til and Sugar would hook up but guess not!
10/31/2003 c5 Sakura163
Their relationship is so ambiguous! I need to know are they just friends or not!
Their relationship is so ambiguous! I need to know are they just friends or not!
10/31/2003 c4 Sakura163
OK, are they just friends? Or more? I'm confused! And remember people with mullets are people too *LOL* I know a few people with mullets (VERY FEW) so it was funny you had that in there!
OK, are they just friends? Or more? I'm confused! And remember people with mullets are people too *LOL* I know a few people with mullets (VERY FEW) so it was funny you had that in there!
10/30/2003 c10 12Robin the Jarbog
I am absolutely in love with this. It's so beautiful and poetic. The chapters are short, almost like little poems on their own. And the language seems simplistic, but it fits perfectly. It takes marvelous talent to write like this. I can't wait to read more!
12Robin the JarbogI am absolutely in love with this. It's so beautiful and poetic. The chapters are short, almost like little poems on their own. And the language seems simplistic, but it fits perfectly. It takes marvelous talent to write like this. I can't wait to read more!
10/25/2003 c10 41Razor Sharp Kisses
Completely speecheless. I got so into this story, so lost in the content. It's beautiful. I badly want to read more. It's beautifully overwhelming.
41Razor Sharp KissesCompletely speecheless. I got so into this story, so lost in the content. It's beautiful. I badly want to read more. It's beautifully overwhelming.
10/11/2003 c10 Just Wolf
the last paragraph was so beautiful. everything about it was perfect, and powerful, and beautiful. the whole story is very beautiful, very gentle, like gossamer, somehow.
you have to write some more. you asked me to give you some help but i'm not sure if i can. i think sugar needs to find her til. find him and try to understand him, why he ran away. and then maybe she should walk away. but they would both know that she would come back. its a beautiful, sweet story, all over, and i don't think you should harden it. it needs to stay flimsy and butterflybeautiful. but thats just what i think.
the last paragraph was so beautiful. everything about it was perfect, and powerful, and beautiful. the whole story is very beautiful, very gentle, like gossamer, somehow.
you have to write some more. you asked me to give you some help but i'm not sure if i can. i think sugar needs to find her til. find him and try to understand him, why he ran away. and then maybe she should walk away. but they would both know that she would come back. its a beautiful, sweet story, all over, and i don't think you should harden it. it needs to stay flimsy and butterflybeautiful. but thats just what i think.
7/25/2003 c9 Just Wolf
wow, that was amazing. it was such an incredible deswcription of grief. you wrote so powerfully. it was really really amazing. seriously, well done. sugar is such a great character, she became really strong in this chapter. but i still want to know more abt til.
wow, that was amazing. it was such an incredible deswcription of grief. you wrote so powerfully. it was really really amazing. seriously, well done. sugar is such a great character, she became really strong in this chapter. but i still want to know more abt til.