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3/28/2003 c2 7Xero Maverick
Ah, finally. Chappy 2's done. And I'm reviewing each chapter, as promised.

You need to proofread these chapters a bit and rearrange some stuff. The divider is out of place and you have a double copyright at the end of this chapter, which kind of makes it look a bit sloppy.

That said, I'd just like to say that Dravidian owns you. On to chappy 3 now.
3/28/2003 c1 Xero Maverick
Ah, chapter one done. I'm a slow reader, gotta' probby widdat?

OOh... cliffhanger-ish thing. Silver's a nut and Luna's a schizo, but I'll continue on because the next chapter has to do with DRAGONS, F00!
3/26/2003 c6 8Kezkay
gack! How could you? What happens to Cytosine? Well done chapter, only one or two spelling mistakes but I'm too lazy to go back and find them, sorry. Luna's song was really funny, as was Dravidian's reaction, heh. -Kez
3/25/2003 c6 2LazeyWinde
NO! SWIM CYTOSENE! GET OUTTA THERE! *Bellows* LUNA GO AFTER HER! No, wait Luna, you sing that cool catnip song. SILVER GO AFTER HER!

Hehe. That's what kinda reviews you get when you do cliffhangers! Serves you right. *Scowls*
3/22/2003 c1 Cori Basinger
hey! that is a fantastic beginning! Thanks for sending it to me! Keep sending the rest when you write it so that i can keep up and find out what happens.
3/21/2003 c4 8Kezkay
Nice chapter Belle. The Catnip scene was really funny, and the cerberus was a nice addition (luved the lingo). *goes to read next chapter* -Kez
3/19/2003 c3 Kezkay
O, *admires story-telling* That was a very detailed chapter, nice work. I sense the friendship growing. I have one question: When Luna is telling the story, I believe he says his name in place of Solana.
3/15/2003 c5 2LazeyWinde
OOh, I like the Cerberus, Ember's my favorite I think. The story is taking an intersting twist.

Hmm, I think I'm the only person in the world who knows the difference between its and it's. Its means possession and it's is the contraction for it is. So for like "I don't believe it its catnip" should've been "I don't believe it, it's catnip" but I'm being nitpicky now. I doubt Luna would've bothered with proper grammar with ~*catnip*~ around.
3/15/2003 c2 9hiro0911

A Simple Twist of Fate


*The birds were singing and it was a peaceful, sunny afternoon.

- cut them to two separate sentences. The birds doesn't have to do anything in 'major terms' with the fact that there is a peaceful, sunny afternoon. Or you can make it like this to sound better: The birds were chirping in a melodic tune completing the peacefulness of the sunny afternoon.

*Cats of the Wind

- emphasize by putting [" "]s or italicize

*The cats speed at their fastest was about 65-70 though some could hit 80 and they could duck and dodge unlike any creature around although they had to concentrate very hard to do it.

- change to ... speed at their fastest IS about 65-70... because this is an accepted fact. Use present tenses for infos that are accepted in context.

*Now this Felida had short, beautiful orange-gold fur, much like the color that the leaves are in the autumn

- change to Now this Felida has short, beautiful orange-gold fur, much like the color of the leaves carried by the breeze of autumn.

*The only thing that wasn't orange-gold on her fur was a white mark on her front right paw, in the shape of a sickle moon.

- All but her front right paw, which was white, was of this color.

*"it almost seems like a waste of time even though they treat me well enough, because I know what they say about me. That I'm a felida who was stupid enough not to settle down to a clan like a sensible normal felida.

- "it almost seems like a waste of time. Yes, they treat me pretty well enough, but that is all because I know what they say about me: a felida - that stupid little creature who chose not to settle down in a particular clan just like what a sensible, normal felida would do."

*Just then she arrived to where her own clan used to live, every once in a while she'd end up here never knowing why, for she never wanted to come here.

- Hey, I noticed one of your BIG problems in writing down your story - Run-on sentences. I've seen lots of them and I'm just in page one... work on with this. Try separating different ideas into different sets of sentences. You tend to make your sentences too long, interconnected with commas and conjunctions in succession. The tendency is that you crowd all ideas in a single blow, thus what you're trying to say difficult for the reader to understand!

*It was had started here four years ago

- It all started four years ago, in this same place.

*After all, that year the felida seers from all the different clans all said that bad things were going to come for felida in the wind clans, though in truth few clans believed them since there were very few felida with the true seer gift.

- See here, another sentence packed with words. It's hard to understand in one reading, so you have to read it again the second time. Again, using [.]s and effective conjuctions does the trick. And o, you have a problem regarding overusage of words. In this sentence, notice how many times you used the words 'felida' and 'clans'. Sometimes when you repeat and repeat the same words even if they make sense, they don't really sound good. I recommend using synonyms. Example, instead of 'clans' try using 'races' or 'tribes'.

*Neither were on Cytosine's list of priorities.

- hey, hey, 5th Grade lesson = 'were' after the word 'neither' is a big no-no! Hit the backspace button and change that 'were' to 'was'.

*well being

- well-being just one word

and many more... i won't place them further coz this is getting long.


So far you've done a good job in chapter one. The descriptions and that idea of Cytosine's clan being annihilated by a group of big, fat, mean dragons is well-written (except for your run-ons, you make fairly good descriptions. I bet that you love cats very much, to that extent of making a story about them (hiro0911 says: I, however, DON'T like cats. I like dogs better. Actually, I LOVE dogs. Nothing against you and your fic, but that's just the way I am - people are different anyway.) Maybe that's why I get the slow hang of your fic (there's nothing wrong with you, don't worry. it's me. so, don't mind me, okay?) And yeah, I was also impressed of that idea of the birth signs indicated by the moon's shape. However, you have to bear in mind that sometimes, it is better for the readers to know of these informations by character dialogues and not by merely reading this. By doing so, you give it more fluidity and animation. And you have to build up Cytosine's character more, coz as what I've noticed, all you placed here are her past (which is better not said first, and as the story goes you feed the info little by little - it gives more suspense in that way), how she was with other felidas, and what people sees in her. The way she speaks should always correspond to her personality. Is she shy? Is she stubborn? Is she lonely? Her manner of talking should always reflect that. In that way, you don't have to say in one long paragraph that she's a lonely felida with only few friends. It tends to make the flow of the story too slow and dragging. Do you get my point? So far, so good. This fic kicks.

Keep those ideas going, and I would love to hear more of Cytosine and her friends.


by: hiro-0911



E-mail me:

3/14/2003 c2 8Kezkay
I am reviewing as you asked, Shadow Cat. Dravidian sounds like a cool guy, Im glad Cytosine didn't hold him accountable for the sins of his clan. This chapter went a little quick though, know what I'm saying? Cytosine spends her whole life wanting revenge on Dravidian's clan and then in the space of a couple minutes becomes his friend. He may have told her his story, but it still seems just a little quick to me. I haven't read the next chapter yet though, so maybe it's just on the surface.

3/14/2003 c1 Belle the Shadow-cat
My chapters are mixed up i must warn you..i'm trying to fix it as fast as i can
3/13/2003 c1 Kezkay
yiyashani, Belle the Shadow-Cat, just checking out your fic. Hehe, last night I was checking my e-mail and WHAMO!, a new review! Thanks a lot, but now, back to A Simple Twist of Fate. I loved how you described the cats, it made a perfect picture in my mind, especially the fur and eyes. As a fellow author, there is only one thing I would recommend, but it all depends on what YOU want. Your time frame occasionally shifts from past to present. Traditionally, third-person deals with the past, but many times you begin a sentence with "Now" or "Today." But hey, everyone's got his/her own style. There were also a few grammatical errors, but nothing big. I'll be back for the next chapter tonight or tomorrow.
3/12/2003 c1 kcididfnord
I like this story, Luna and Silver especially seem very interesting, and I'll read more as soon as I have time. I hope you have more of dragons! :)

Lunar Stellaris . hmm . I think I've heard that somewhere before, but I'm not sure.

Overall, an excellent story so far. Keep writing.

And thanks for reviewing, it made my day! :)
3/10/2003 c1 9hiro0911
dropped by to let you know i'm going to read your fic. give me a week, and I'll give you a REAL review. :-)

ZERO DRAGON by hiro-0911


3/10/2003 c2 Ashley McDowell
it was awesome! the wording and everything was very good! it seems clear and exciting..makes you want to read more.keep up the good work!

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