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10/12/2004 c1 31Shadow Gryphon
Oh... sad. That's a good question; why *would* anyone do that?
Awesome, though.
Gryph
10/19/2003 c1 87EchoesOfReason
This was...amazing. You should definitely TRY your best to continue it because it could really go somewhere. I know from now on you sure do have my attention for this story because it's really really really really good. I love it so far. Ignore flames about it because for every story there's a critic so just go with this one because it's really good. Keep it up, I'll ttyl...lylas ciao!

Love always,

A-Light-From-Your-Darkness...

GO SAM!:)
3/30/2003 c1 5Chelsea Plum
maybe u should call it searching for answers...not finding answers..lol i dunno...
3/13/2003 c1 10Airlia
I'm too much of a wuss to give this thing the flame it most likely deserves, I like my account and don't want The Big People to block it because I went off on this story. But.

Problem number one:

You need to work on your dialouge writing skills, as it does sound a bit forced.

Problem number two:

Your plotline is slightly overused/cliched.

Problem number three:

You never really bring it to a valid conclusion. You never give any theorizing on the part of the first person narrator as to why the horrible crime might have happened. Instead, you take the easy way out and say that "I never did find the answers." The "searching" is never elaborated upon, and I think there was room for that.

Problem number four:

Serious lack of setting and character development. Adding those would add a lot of depth to your story.

Problem number five:

You seem to be unclear about the use of capitalization after quotation marks. Go read up on that and edit it into this. Spelling and grammar check in a Word program often fails to pick up mistakes in that area but it is a serious nitpick of mine and many other people.

Final anal nitpicky thing:

One line in this stood out to me as needing serious improvement. It was one of those cringe-worthy overused things that could have been stated far more eloquently: "Mother, Sally Carol, was questioned earlier if she ever expected such a horrible thing to happen. The response we got was, ‘They seemed to care about each other and everything seemed normal. I never thought this would happen.’"

I'm sorry to be so vague, but really. You could say this better.

You have a story with potential, and a plotline and characters that could go somewhere. I encourage you to improve this and develop it more.

Good luck in your writing.

-Airlia
3/13/2003 c1 Cheesehead374
Wow, that's deep. You need to continue with this. There is lots of emotion. Of course, just a suggestion. If it's too hard don't sweat it.

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