1/25/2018 c1 kris
fuck you
fuck you
6/9/2016 c1 SOem person
dont use 2nd or 1st person
dont use 2nd or 1st person
1/9/2014 c1 ben dover
to much first person
to much first person
4/18/2004 c1 12jacobcello
Good essay,
Nothing more...you;ve probably alredy handed it in. Just saying...Thank you for reviewing my freind.
That was really cool,
JACOB
CELL()_+
Good essay,
Nothing more...you;ve probably alredy handed it in. Just saying...Thank you for reviewing my freind.
That was really cool,
JACOB
CELL()_+
3/22/2003 c1 16Ayameko AiKage
You want criticism, you got it. I've found quite a number of things you need to look at. I'll try to be as detailed as possible and see if I can work this editing box so that I can refer back to your essay as I go along and tell you everything I notice.
1) Typographical errors caught my attention everywhere. PLEASE, re-check and proofread for those errors. The most common one, I think, was "teachers". I don't know if you meant "teaches" or "teachers", but it seems to make more sense if I read it and assume it's "teaches", so I'm assuming that you put the "r" in there by mistake.
2) My prime advice to you is to keep on rewriting, rewriting, rewriting. Rework those sentences until they say exactly what you want them to say. Put the essay down for an hour or so, go do something else, and then come back to it. You'll be able to think of another, better way to phrase your statement. Trust me, it works. I had to do that just today with an evaluation paper on "The Hobbit".
3) I noticed that several times in your essay you wrote "I believe" or "I think" or something to that extent. Unless your teacher told you to write that, I suggest you take it out and rephrase that particular sentence. "I believe" puts a more timid tone in your thought, and if you're trying to be persuasive, you want to be firm in what you're communicating to the reader. If you're trying to convince them, "We need to put Langston Hughes' poem 'Mother to Son' into the anthology!", then in writing, (so I've been told) it's more persuasive when you sound like you know you know what you're talking about. (Don't get me wrong, I made that very mistake in this very review. I'm timid like that as well, but hey, that's the kind of thing that can be helped by editing.)
-I'm going to start from the top of the essay and list some things that caught my attention-
4) I see that with the use of the word "well" at the beginning of the sentence "Well, it simply means that life isn't easy", you put a more casual, talking sort of tone into your essay. In the middle of that particular paragraph, beautifully written in formal essay language, it sounds very out of place. Consider taking out the "well" to match the overall sound of the essay (or if you mean to make the essay more casual-sounding, go through your essay and find spots where you can put more of "well" and such so that it sounds more like you're just talking when you read it aloud).
5) Consider looking again at your use of commas. I see spots where the comma might be useful to keep up the flow of the essay, and places further in the essay where the comma placement interrupts the flow of the essay. What caught my attention here (and it's not a very good example, since I earlier made a note about not saying "I believe") is the phrase "Having read this poem I believe...". It sounds a bit too rigid, and not smooth. Inserting a comma between the words "poem" and "I" serve to make the sentence flow more smoothly. It might help to read it aloud and note the places where you would pause to take a breath, which is where you would place your comma.
6) Watch out for the verb use, i.e. "helps" versus "help". Remember - when you've got one metaphor bringing clarity to the poem's meaning, put an "s" at the end of the verb "help", or whatever your metaphor is doing in the sentence. But if metaphors "help" bring clarity to the sentence, there's no "s". Although, if in that particular spot you meant the amount - a numerous amount of metaphors - consider putting a semicolon after "metaphors" and replacing "that" with "this" (I'm talking about the sentence beginning with "With his witty intellect (comma would be nice here) Mr. Hughes...").
7) Be careful about using "You" and "you're". I'm looking at the sentence "Of course he doesn't mean that you're actually climbing..." Again, if you mean it to sound like you're talking to another person, skip the formal language and convert it all to "Well" and "So" and "You" and such (I suggest, however, that you stick to formal language; it sounds more educated). And again, if you're having trouble rephrasing that sentence where you can't think of any better way to put it than "you", then "one must put one's writing away for awhile and attend to other activities". (Hint hint, in case you'd like one.)
8) Beginning with the sentence "I remember when I first moved I had been..." This sentence is a bit lengthy and rough. I suggest look at the use of the comma and the semicolon again. Try to divide the sentence somewhere with a semicolon to make your sentences at least look more complex (and more impressive).
9) Unless I'm mistaken, you spelled "hurdles" wrong. Be cautious in that spelling area.
10) "To that I also agree..." is another run-on sentence. Again, the semicolon, watch the verb use ("offers" in particular), and don't forget our friend the comma.
11) Concerning word choice, this is a bit tricky. Sometimes words just don't flow as smoothly as you want them to. I'm looking at "In addition to the excellent use of metaphors..." and "the" might need to be replaced. If you're trying to make your writing flow, you also need words that, when said in a sequence, roll right off your tongue and sound natural. (The best thing I know that one can do about this is reread and re-edit, et cetera.)
12) "This is easy enough to understand; it means..." Not only does word choice need to help your writing flow, but it also needs to stay at relatively the same level. "Easy" isn't a terribly complex word, and is at a more 'casual tone' level. To keep the formal, educated tone of your writing, I suggest you find a different, more complex word for "easy" (kind of ironic, ay? Might I suggest "simple"?).
13) The apostrophe is a nice little punctuation mark, but in formal writing like essays it's not always a good idea to put contractions in, such as "isn't". It's just the same thing about formal tone versus casual tone; if you want your work to sound more formal, consider omitting the contractions. Do just the opposite if you want your essay to sound more casual and journalism-style (which I don't think you want in your essay).
14) "And a splinter that I've had..." My advice: don't start a sentence with 'and' if you can help it. Some words, I guess, just don't belong at the beginnings or ends of sentences, and occasionally it's hard to tell which ones aren't allowed where. (I didn't know that 'of' shouldn't go at the end of a sentence until I was recently corrected on it. It's probably just one of those things you learn out at prestigious English schools where you get your Masters' degree in Literary Composition or whatnot.)
15) "They give the words a personality, the personality of a woman..." Personally, I would put - instead of a comma - a hyphen between "personality" and "the". This kind of thing is more about style, really, but to speak for myself, I say that since you've put together two phrases that both have the word "personality" in them, you'll want a punctuation mark that sounds a little more like a period when read aloud.
16) In your conclusion, just a reminder - the "I believe" and "I hope" are present again. If at all possible, try to rephrase so that your thoughts sound more firm and that you're strong in your belief.
17) In your very last sentence, again watch out for casual versus formal tone. (Word choice, commas, punctuation, "I hope" or not). I wouldn't, however, change that little quote at the end where you added on that last piece of the poem to emphasize your point. That's a good strategy, it works really well where it is. DON'T CHANGE IT!
And one last piece of advice to you. At some spots in your essay where you made your points and linked to your personal experience, try to brainstorm a little more about what you're trying to tell your reader and discuss it a little more in-depth in your essay. For example, in your paragraph after your quote "But all the time/I'se been a-climbin' on,/And reachin' landin's", you mention briefly that you were down in the dumps after moving and "as things progressed", life got better. It sounds very brief and would come alive very much more if you developed your thoughts of that a little more and discussed it in your paragraph there. Something that helps me a lot is what I call a What/Why/How column. Take a piece of paper and divide it into three vertical columns. At the top of the left-most column, write "What Do I Think?" On top of the middle column write "Why Do I Think That?" On top of the last column, write "How Can I Prove It?" At the very top of your paper, not in any of the columns, write something like "Hughes' metaphor of the stairs relates to my moving experience". Then, in the "what" column, below the title, write "what" you think about what you wrote at the top of your paper. Maybe you think that you faced the splinters in the wood and upturned boards of life while you were moving. Then in your "why" column, write why you think whatever it was you wrote in the "what" column. (This is the really hard part of the whole process and requires very deep thinking.) Perhaps you might write about how, during your move, you faced the emotional problems of moving away from your friends, the stress and discomfort of having to live around boxes for a period of time, and having to go to a new school, or whatever you happened to go through, in a bit more detail. Then go on to talk about how you reached your "landing" during your move, what your "landing" was, or something of the like. Then in the "How" column...well, actually I don't know that the "how column would be of much use to you. I used this format of thinking to squeeze ideas out of me when I had to write analysis papers and evaluation papers on pieces of literature, so the "how" column I used for quotes from the book as examples to prove my point. I think I might as well stop here becasue I'm afraid I've confused you out of your mind and if I say anything more you're not going to know what in the world I'm talking about even after rereading it five times.
Well, I've criticized all I can. Overall, a pretty good start. Just remember - editing and revising and rewriting is essential. Just keep editing your papers. That's my final word of advice to you. Good luck.
(P.S. I really hope you appreciate this extensive review I've written you. I've stayed up until past midnight to help you out, and I sure hope you get something out of it.)
You want criticism, you got it. I've found quite a number of things you need to look at. I'll try to be as detailed as possible and see if I can work this editing box so that I can refer back to your essay as I go along and tell you everything I notice.
1) Typographical errors caught my attention everywhere. PLEASE, re-check and proofread for those errors. The most common one, I think, was "teachers". I don't know if you meant "teaches" or "teachers", but it seems to make more sense if I read it and assume it's "teaches", so I'm assuming that you put the "r" in there by mistake.
2) My prime advice to you is to keep on rewriting, rewriting, rewriting. Rework those sentences until they say exactly what you want them to say. Put the essay down for an hour or so, go do something else, and then come back to it. You'll be able to think of another, better way to phrase your statement. Trust me, it works. I had to do that just today with an evaluation paper on "The Hobbit".
3) I noticed that several times in your essay you wrote "I believe" or "I think" or something to that extent. Unless your teacher told you to write that, I suggest you take it out and rephrase that particular sentence. "I believe" puts a more timid tone in your thought, and if you're trying to be persuasive, you want to be firm in what you're communicating to the reader. If you're trying to convince them, "We need to put Langston Hughes' poem 'Mother to Son' into the anthology!", then in writing, (so I've been told) it's more persuasive when you sound like you know you know what you're talking about. (Don't get me wrong, I made that very mistake in this very review. I'm timid like that as well, but hey, that's the kind of thing that can be helped by editing.)
-I'm going to start from the top of the essay and list some things that caught my attention-
4) I see that with the use of the word "well" at the beginning of the sentence "Well, it simply means that life isn't easy", you put a more casual, talking sort of tone into your essay. In the middle of that particular paragraph, beautifully written in formal essay language, it sounds very out of place. Consider taking out the "well" to match the overall sound of the essay (or if you mean to make the essay more casual-sounding, go through your essay and find spots where you can put more of "well" and such so that it sounds more like you're just talking when you read it aloud).
5) Consider looking again at your use of commas. I see spots where the comma might be useful to keep up the flow of the essay, and places further in the essay where the comma placement interrupts the flow of the essay. What caught my attention here (and it's not a very good example, since I earlier made a note about not saying "I believe") is the phrase "Having read this poem I believe...". It sounds a bit too rigid, and not smooth. Inserting a comma between the words "poem" and "I" serve to make the sentence flow more smoothly. It might help to read it aloud and note the places where you would pause to take a breath, which is where you would place your comma.
6) Watch out for the verb use, i.e. "helps" versus "help". Remember - when you've got one metaphor bringing clarity to the poem's meaning, put an "s" at the end of the verb "help", or whatever your metaphor is doing in the sentence. But if metaphors "help" bring clarity to the sentence, there's no "s". Although, if in that particular spot you meant the amount - a numerous amount of metaphors - consider putting a semicolon after "metaphors" and replacing "that" with "this" (I'm talking about the sentence beginning with "With his witty intellect (comma would be nice here) Mr. Hughes...").
7) Be careful about using "You" and "you're". I'm looking at the sentence "Of course he doesn't mean that you're actually climbing..." Again, if you mean it to sound like you're talking to another person, skip the formal language and convert it all to "Well" and "So" and "You" and such (I suggest, however, that you stick to formal language; it sounds more educated). And again, if you're having trouble rephrasing that sentence where you can't think of any better way to put it than "you", then "one must put one's writing away for awhile and attend to other activities". (Hint hint, in case you'd like one.)
8) Beginning with the sentence "I remember when I first moved I had been..." This sentence is a bit lengthy and rough. I suggest look at the use of the comma and the semicolon again. Try to divide the sentence somewhere with a semicolon to make your sentences at least look more complex (and more impressive).
9) Unless I'm mistaken, you spelled "hurdles" wrong. Be cautious in that spelling area.
10) "To that I also agree..." is another run-on sentence. Again, the semicolon, watch the verb use ("offers" in particular), and don't forget our friend the comma.
11) Concerning word choice, this is a bit tricky. Sometimes words just don't flow as smoothly as you want them to. I'm looking at "In addition to the excellent use of metaphors..." and "the" might need to be replaced. If you're trying to make your writing flow, you also need words that, when said in a sequence, roll right off your tongue and sound natural. (The best thing I know that one can do about this is reread and re-edit, et cetera.)
12) "This is easy enough to understand; it means..." Not only does word choice need to help your writing flow, but it also needs to stay at relatively the same level. "Easy" isn't a terribly complex word, and is at a more 'casual tone' level. To keep the formal, educated tone of your writing, I suggest you find a different, more complex word for "easy" (kind of ironic, ay? Might I suggest "simple"?).
13) The apostrophe is a nice little punctuation mark, but in formal writing like essays it's not always a good idea to put contractions in, such as "isn't". It's just the same thing about formal tone versus casual tone; if you want your work to sound more formal, consider omitting the contractions. Do just the opposite if you want your essay to sound more casual and journalism-style (which I don't think you want in your essay).
14) "And a splinter that I've had..." My advice: don't start a sentence with 'and' if you can help it. Some words, I guess, just don't belong at the beginnings or ends of sentences, and occasionally it's hard to tell which ones aren't allowed where. (I didn't know that 'of' shouldn't go at the end of a sentence until I was recently corrected on it. It's probably just one of those things you learn out at prestigious English schools where you get your Masters' degree in Literary Composition or whatnot.)
15) "They give the words a personality, the personality of a woman..." Personally, I would put - instead of a comma - a hyphen between "personality" and "the". This kind of thing is more about style, really, but to speak for myself, I say that since you've put together two phrases that both have the word "personality" in them, you'll want a punctuation mark that sounds a little more like a period when read aloud.
16) In your conclusion, just a reminder - the "I believe" and "I hope" are present again. If at all possible, try to rephrase so that your thoughts sound more firm and that you're strong in your belief.
17) In your very last sentence, again watch out for casual versus formal tone. (Word choice, commas, punctuation, "I hope" or not). I wouldn't, however, change that little quote at the end where you added on that last piece of the poem to emphasize your point. That's a good strategy, it works really well where it is. DON'T CHANGE IT!
And one last piece of advice to you. At some spots in your essay where you made your points and linked to your personal experience, try to brainstorm a little more about what you're trying to tell your reader and discuss it a little more in-depth in your essay. For example, in your paragraph after your quote "But all the time/I'se been a-climbin' on,/And reachin' landin's", you mention briefly that you were down in the dumps after moving and "as things progressed", life got better. It sounds very brief and would come alive very much more if you developed your thoughts of that a little more and discussed it in your paragraph there. Something that helps me a lot is what I call a What/Why/How column. Take a piece of paper and divide it into three vertical columns. At the top of the left-most column, write "What Do I Think?" On top of the middle column write "Why Do I Think That?" On top of the last column, write "How Can I Prove It?" At the very top of your paper, not in any of the columns, write something like "Hughes' metaphor of the stairs relates to my moving experience". Then, in the "what" column, below the title, write "what" you think about what you wrote at the top of your paper. Maybe you think that you faced the splinters in the wood and upturned boards of life while you were moving. Then in your "why" column, write why you think whatever it was you wrote in the "what" column. (This is the really hard part of the whole process and requires very deep thinking.) Perhaps you might write about how, during your move, you faced the emotional problems of moving away from your friends, the stress and discomfort of having to live around boxes for a period of time, and having to go to a new school, or whatever you happened to go through, in a bit more detail. Then go on to talk about how you reached your "landing" during your move, what your "landing" was, or something of the like. Then in the "How" column...well, actually I don't know that the "how column would be of much use to you. I used this format of thinking to squeeze ideas out of me when I had to write analysis papers and evaluation papers on pieces of literature, so the "how" column I used for quotes from the book as examples to prove my point. I think I might as well stop here becasue I'm afraid I've confused you out of your mind and if I say anything more you're not going to know what in the world I'm talking about even after rereading it five times.
Well, I've criticized all I can. Overall, a pretty good start. Just remember - editing and revising and rewriting is essential. Just keep editing your papers. That's my final word of advice to you. Good luck.
(P.S. I really hope you appreciate this extensive review I've written you. I've stayed up until past midnight to help you out, and I sure hope you get something out of it.)
3/21/2003 c1 33Moonstruck1
I thought this was an excellent piece of writing. Well written, powerful words, and few grammatical errors.
I'll tell you some grammatical errors cuz i'm not sure if they were typos or what.(everything I suggest is in order)
"use of metaphors, teachers(teaches) many important life lessons(,) and can be easily understood."
"mean that you’re actually climbing", I suggest putting "she's"
I also think you should change good to excellent. It makes the reader look again to see what exactly is so "excellent". You don't tend to do that with the word "good".
So anyway. I really did enjoy this cuz this is one of my favorite poems. I hope and I helped and my suggestions weren't too demanding or whatever.
GOOD LUCK!
~jackie
I thought this was an excellent piece of writing. Well written, powerful words, and few grammatical errors.
I'll tell you some grammatical errors cuz i'm not sure if they were typos or what.(everything I suggest is in order)
"use of metaphors, teachers(teaches) many important life lessons(,) and can be easily understood."
"mean that you’re actually climbing", I suggest putting "she's"
I also think you should change good to excellent. It makes the reader look again to see what exactly is so "excellent". You don't tend to do that with the word "good".
So anyway. I really did enjoy this cuz this is one of my favorite poems. I hope and I helped and my suggestions weren't too demanding or whatever.
GOOD LUCK!
~jackie