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11/26/2009 c4 KillaCupcakes
I'm way late reading this. It says this story was updated in 2003. But I really like it. Interesting take on interracial dating.
3/24/2008 c4 johnandvan
Highly original, the dialogue really good. The stalker turning out to be stalked loved it, and Dani well the girl is an original characte. Hope you delve into her psyche more, and keep up this story it has such promise. JV
1/29/2004 c4 43James Rain
It's wonderful to start reading short stories again, especially shorts of a real quality. The plot moves realistically from each part, at the perfect pase. The last part of the last chapter really captured the turmoil David felt thanks to Dani, a very memoriable character.
12/23/2003 c1 15DeadPenName
Generally, I despise racial stories, but several things made this "short short" palatable to me.
1) Jack Kerouac (big fan of the beats)
2) The lack of self-consciousness. If you are non-black, I commend your lack of pandering. If you're black, I commend your vision!
It's really easy to offend SOMEONE with a racially charged piece of fiction, because of COURSE there's only one proper way to look at the issue. ;)
Anyway, gj, keep it up, i'd like to see it longer, and perhaps with more attention paid to what Danuelle is thinking- perhaps make it omniscient? (since it's already 3rd person)
Elecid
(oh and write more poetry)
8/7/2003 c3 10Anumati
Congradulations, this tickles me. Now for some substance:

Good pacing, great mood, excellent detail (the smoking, the foods they eat, the rings on Dani's fingers representing being "taken"). The dialogue is varied, but falls into pits of obtuseness or or just plain unreality. Yes, it's good, but it's too good to be a normal conversation. People repeat themselves, they fumble, they stutter, and when in doubt, they take the direct route. The dialogue was best in this department in chapter 1. It was funniest, however, in chapter 2.

This was perfect, both in style and in reaction. There was a balance of human directness and prose.

Your sentences are unnecessarily tangled in the first few paragraphs of chapter 1. They settle into a rhythm eventually, but it's obnoxious until they do. The first chapter wasn't really a hook either; the second is what makes initial impact, with their quasi-awkward 'actual' conversation.

Oh, and there ARE bears in the upper midwest. Tons of them. Just thought you should know. And while you're at it, finish a goddamn story for once in your life.
8/2/2003 c2 11MiMiZ
Hey, thanks so much for your review, I really appreciated what you had to say. And I really like your writing, I admire you a lot as a writer, I'll definitely be back to read more.
7/22/2003 c1 90SweetGrape
A curious sort of piece- just trying to show some human nature (eg- 'he needed every step for his courage', 'he'd read enough books to know' !, 'blacks loathed comparisons of their skin to everyday items' etc)

It's been done a million times before, but it's written well- with details and little bits of description and emotion, so it's worth reading, cliched (though maybe cos it's true) plot and all.
4/10/2003 c1 7enchanted muse
this is interesting... do continue
3/28/2003 c1 gonefornow
Very interesting. You got my attention, let's see if you can keep it. Can't wait to read the rest.

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