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4/15/2005 c10 2ficboy
I thought that story was rather intriguing. However, I also thought that the story was not long enough. I must have missed the scene where they recovered the energy source. So, basically, it was good, except it was too short.
4/14/2005 c6 ficboy
I think your story is pretty sweet. I've made my share of stories like that, but I have never seen anything as good as what you did.
5/5/2003 c10 3Repair My Wings
very good story wish it could have been longer.
4/26/2003 c7 2Crusty-Diamonds
Pretty good, no big beefs about this chapter. Although I do agree with one of your other reviewers (accept in my own way) that this reads like a movie and may be better in play format.
4/26/2003 c9 3Repair My Wings
If I was you I would consider rewritiing this as a screenplay and see if you could make a movie of it. Tis is really good.
4/23/2003 c6 2Crusty-Diamonds
It's gettin hot in herre so hot lalalala...

Ok, so pretty good chapter, although I'm not that partial to the whole "I'm a girl with issues love me" thing , but I can see good characterization starting. Lot's of room for characterization on the crew...should be an interesting quest
4/22/2003 c5 Crusty-Diamonds
Not that long, in fact I finished it in 10 minutes.

Costructive Critism: Your scenes are very fast and you don't describe enough. When the woman's eyes opened you used "suddenly" it's not that much of a shock when you say that. Try to describe it more without saying suddenly.

Good things: Plot is advancing, technology is easy to imagine and kind of cool :) , You sort of explained why Demi's there but what skills does he have?

Things I noted: Demi seems VERY niave/innocent and VERY eager, a slight change from the first chapter...maybe this is just his character I do not know.
4/22/2003 c4 Crusty-Diamonds
woo calm down I'm reviewing ^_^ Pretty good, pretty good besides some grammer errors and so forth. One sentence particular sentence that bothered me (im kind of nit-picky) was "The rushing water ran over the ruins of a statue that had fallen, and the water flowed from the mouth of the statue," you use the word STATUE twice, it would sound better if you said something like "and the water flowed from it's mouth" rather than using the same word twice...just doesn't sound very good.

Anyway, the story's getting interesting, try not to go TOO fast, a lot of dialouge...and I know something's special about Sanji but I don't really understand what's so special about Demi and why HE'S chosen on this quest... oh and not that new of an idea about aliens thinking humans are a threat...Demi just seems a little too eager to go on this quest, and they should still be a little reluctant or something because it just sounds so unnatural that you were just abducted and demanded to go on this quest and YAY LET'S GO! ?

Now that I'm done my constructive critism (no, you don't have to agree with me I'm just trying to help you make your story better) ... I'll say what I think is good.

You've obviously thought this plot through for awhile, I can already tell Demi and Sanji are going to "hook" up ~_^ , you're dialouge is heavy but explains the story well, if you expand on Demi and Sanji's characters (which I'm sure you will) they sound pretty interesting...

Anyway I'm off to read some more, I probably won't finish today since I'm quite busy but I will come back to review later on. Oh and just another note, to agree with one of the other reviewers...the Queen does sound quite disturbed...but that's her character I guess?

Great story! Eager to read more.
4/21/2003 c7 1Chuck Driss
Well, it's gettin' a little steamy in here! after reading the story, i think you have great potential. this is not saying that there is nothing that needs improvement, no offense. you move very quickly, and if you are trying to make a very articulate story, you need to have far more insight into the charecters' minds. i love the universe you have created for your story, and i look forward to the next chapter! however, i would like to hear a little bit more about the advanced technology you promised in your introduction. keep writing, but don't rush it!

-Chuck Driss
4/21/2003 c3 Chuck Driss
you seem to be tirsty for reviews, as are many people. so, having read part one along with the introduction, i thought i would stop here and wrte what i think so far, eve though i have no idea what is coming in the next chapters:

1. very interesting setting, so far.

2. what charecters there are seem relatively well-defined, though there are so few and the descriptions are brief. this is not necessarily a bad thing, simply something to look out for: descriptions should have more flavor.

3. wtf is up with that queen? is she like perverted or just wayy to sheltered as a kid?

anyway, i'll continue reading and drop in another review later on.

-Chuck Driss
4/20/2003 c4 3Repair My Wings
Give me more. Or else! very good but the pace in this last chapter was a little too fast. Very Good other wise
4/19/2003 c3 2Crusty-Diamonds
A little more interesting...but still didn't give me a real taste for the story, and the ending of the chapter could've been a bit more lengthened. Like what was Demi's feelings about this and so forth. Just a thought, but you have the basis of a good story here.
4/19/2003 c2 Crusty-Diamonds
Well, obviously mainly for description but I found myself skipping over parts...I'll go on and read the next chapter maybe it will pick up.

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