for Dragons of the Sea3/22/2004 c7 
3Elfie
Ah! Is that all for now? *tears* I was SO looking forward to another chapter..lol. This is really good, you have really captured me good and well now..lol. I can only say that this is magnificant and I cannot wait to read more!
~Elfie~
3ElfieAh! Is that all for now? *tears* I was SO looking forward to another chapter..lol. This is really good, you have really captured me good and well now..lol. I can only say that this is magnificant and I cannot wait to read more!
~Elfie~
1/22/2004 c7 11Angry Bob
Great chapter, as usual. I think the only part I'd redo if I were you is the end. It seems like you just cut off the last paragraph or so. It seemed to have ended so abruptly. You were talking about meeting with him every time, yes, but then that was it, and the chapter ended, with no foreshadowing of events, no clues as to who Bladeridge is, nothing. I'd extend the last paragraph, or add another, and it'd be okay. Keep up the great work!
-AB
11Angry BobGreat chapter, as usual. I think the only part I'd redo if I were you is the end. It seems like you just cut off the last paragraph or so. It seemed to have ended so abruptly. You were talking about meeting with him every time, yes, but then that was it, and the chapter ended, with no foreshadowing of events, no clues as to who Bladeridge is, nothing. I'd extend the last paragraph, or add another, and it'd be okay. Keep up the great work!
-AB
12/12/2003 c7 9Lomiel
Ahrihliir!
It's been a long time since I actually read or reviewed something. oo Shame on me. Anyway...
Yes, this was short, and I think it was too short. It feels to me like there's something missing. I have the same problem of writing something and summarizing what happened really, really well and leaving out any extra detail. You could go into pages and pages of detail for this (which is unnecessary), but the major spots where you could add more is in paragraphs...six and twelve, on the trip to Seasheen's spot and her sudden desire to check the time. In the first case, you summarize by describing the beginnings of their game, then suddenly they arrive. You could work in another event there to further develop one of the characters. For example...maybe Bladeridge does a stunt that's kind of weird, or maybe looks funny, and he has to explain to Seasheen that it's a move he has to use to do something that she's never had to do before...like...I don't know. Could he explain to her about how he lives, or does that come later?
Anyway, it seems abrupt and misplaced to me when they've just arrived at Seasheen's spot and she suddenly has an undeniable urge to check the time, and it just happens to be too late. Give them some time to talk. Have something happen; it's too easy to just get there and then have them race off again. Because the trip part was abbreviated and you didn't mention how long it took, it sounds like you're trying to get out of writing more about them actually being at the cove. If you want to leave it that way, mention something up when they're getting there about how it took them longer than usual or...something. If you want to make it longer.
At the end, you talk about how she meets with him more and more. Well, where do they go? What do they do? What does he say about his life? Don't tell me that she went from skeptical to entranced; show me. You could spend an entire chapter or more on what you condensed into four sentences at the very end.
Anyway, that's what I think. There's nothing wrong with your writing; it's beautiful and sounds natural. Keep it up, and go into a sickening amount of detail if you have to. You'd be surprised how well it might turn out. Keep up the good work!
Love in Christ,
Shimoyo Lomiel
9LomielAhrihliir!
It's been a long time since I actually read or reviewed something. oo Shame on me. Anyway...
Yes, this was short, and I think it was too short. It feels to me like there's something missing. I have the same problem of writing something and summarizing what happened really, really well and leaving out any extra detail. You could go into pages and pages of detail for this (which is unnecessary), but the major spots where you could add more is in paragraphs...six and twelve, on the trip to Seasheen's spot and her sudden desire to check the time. In the first case, you summarize by describing the beginnings of their game, then suddenly they arrive. You could work in another event there to further develop one of the characters. For example...maybe Bladeridge does a stunt that's kind of weird, or maybe looks funny, and he has to explain to Seasheen that it's a move he has to use to do something that she's never had to do before...like...I don't know. Could he explain to her about how he lives, or does that come later?
Anyway, it seems abrupt and misplaced to me when they've just arrived at Seasheen's spot and she suddenly has an undeniable urge to check the time, and it just happens to be too late. Give them some time to talk. Have something happen; it's too easy to just get there and then have them race off again. Because the trip part was abbreviated and you didn't mention how long it took, it sounds like you're trying to get out of writing more about them actually being at the cove. If you want to leave it that way, mention something up when they're getting there about how it took them longer than usual or...something. If you want to make it longer.
At the end, you talk about how she meets with him more and more. Well, where do they go? What do they do? What does he say about his life? Don't tell me that she went from skeptical to entranced; show me. You could spend an entire chapter or more on what you condensed into four sentences at the very end.
Anyway, that's what I think. There's nothing wrong with your writing; it's beautiful and sounds natural. Keep it up, and go into a sickening amount of detail if you have to. You'd be surprised how well it might turn out. Keep up the good work!
Love in Christ,
Shimoyo Lomiel
12/11/2003 c7 6Belle the Shadow-Cat
OOhh, she's going to be going with Bladeridge i bet! Nice chapter
-Belle
6Belle the Shadow-CatOOhh, she's going to be going with Bladeridge i bet! Nice chapter
-Belle
12/11/2003 c6 Belle the Shadow-Cat
Seasheen! Awsome! Glad to see you've updated. Sorry for not reviewing!
-Belle the shadow-cat
Seasheen! Awsome! Glad to see you've updated. Sorry for not reviewing!
-Belle the shadow-cat
12/8/2003 c7 Amarys Lia
NO. no changing allowed at all! It's perfect as is, and OK, even if it is short...good good. No critiqueing at all needed; and you know me, I ove to critique. this is great, snd you better update soon or you'll ind youself with a human germ...Which is what I've got know. *colappses on bed* bleh. see you tommorrow, maybe. Lia
NO. no changing allowed at all! It's perfect as is, and OK, even if it is short...good good. No critiqueing at all needed; and you know me, I ove to critique. this is great, snd you better update soon or you'll ind youself with a human germ...Which is what I've got know. *colappses on bed* bleh. see you tommorrow, maybe. Lia
12/8/2003 c7 SilverFoam
This is good! You're one of the best authors I've met on FictionPress. Please do more!
Love in Christ
This is good! You're one of the best authors I've met on FictionPress. Please do more!
Love in Christ
12/8/2003 c7 2nightdragon0
Well, short, but seems quite good.
Setting up the start of their relationship, so to say.
2nightdragon0Well, short, but seems quite good.
Setting up the start of their relationship, so to say.
11/15/2003 c6 11Angry Bob
Yay! You updated!
This is great stuff! Again! I love your writing. I can't wait until you update again! It's looking so good, and I'm just waiting on edge to see what happens. Please update soon, and I'm so glad that you're back and writing.
-AB
11Angry BobYay! You updated!
This is great stuff! Again! I love your writing. I can't wait until you update again! It's looking so good, and I'm just waiting on edge to see what happens. Please update soon, and I'm so glad that you're back and writing.
-AB
11/15/2003 c6 Lia
HELLO! as you akready know this is well written. jst thought I would brighten your day with a nice review. I like your dialogues; they all make sense and flow and shtuff. (unlike some of my own). so anywho, you already know alo of this...Keep going! Lia
HELLO! as you akready know this is well written. jst thought I would brighten your day with a nice review. I like your dialogues; they all make sense and flow and shtuff. (unlike some of my own). so anywho, you already know alo of this...Keep going! Lia
11/14/2003 c6 2nightdragon0
Nice to see you're back!
Hmm, Bladeridge is definitely cool, and as mysterious as always.
2nightdragon0Nice to see you're back!
Hmm, Bladeridge is definitely cool, and as mysterious as always.
11/14/2003 c6 Lillian
Hi Grey! I like Bladeridge, I think he's a cool character ^^ I like the way he makes Seasheen to get angry :P *tries to dodge said dragon's teeth* Hey! Tell her to behave or I'll send her the Balrog! Now, seriously, it was a great chappy *switches to baby-mode (Lime's words, not mine)* Me wanna wead mowe!
Hi Grey! I like Bladeridge, I think he's a cool character ^^ I like the way he makes Seasheen to get angry :P *tries to dodge said dragon's teeth* Hey! Tell her to behave or I'll send her the Balrog! Now, seriously, it was a great chappy *switches to baby-mode (Lime's words, not mine)* Me wanna wead mowe!
10/19/2003 c5 The Insane Tree-Killer
Now here's a story worthy of comment!
Well, I must say, this story is very good. It's excellent, in fact. Maybe you didn't, but it certainly sounds as though a lot of time and effort was put into it. There are some things that you might want to clean up if you ever want to publish this, but I'm sure that when that day comes, you'll be a flawless writer and you'll have no problem making tons of money.
I see you only have one story up here. What's up with that? Don't you realize that you have not only talent, but GENIUS? Get your butt in gear, kid! Let's hear some more to amaze and delight!
Now here's a story worthy of comment!
Well, I must say, this story is very good. It's excellent, in fact. Maybe you didn't, but it certainly sounds as though a lot of time and effort was put into it. There are some things that you might want to clean up if you ever want to publish this, but I'm sure that when that day comes, you'll be a flawless writer and you'll have no problem making tons of money.
I see you only have one story up here. What's up with that? Don't you realize that you have not only talent, but GENIUS? Get your butt in gear, kid! Let's hear some more to amaze and delight!
8/28/2003 c1 11Angry Bob
P.S. - If you really like fantasy books, read Terry Brooks' Shanara series. It's good enough to write fanfiction for. He can be found in any bookstore and he's good enough to stay up all night to read. He wrote his first novel when he was 17 (The Sword of Shanara) and it became an instant best-seller. Toodles. -AB
11Angry BobP.S. - If you really like fantasy books, read Terry Brooks' Shanara series. It's good enough to write fanfiction for. He can be found in any bookstore and he's good enough to stay up all night to read. He wrote his first novel when he was 17 (The Sword of Shanara) and it became an instant best-seller. Toodles. -AB