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7/22/2005 c1 3Googlepuss
You've got some good stuff there, but its so short! Your grammar also stinks, which makes it annoying to read. eg, "I've ran" should be "I'd run" for future tense, "I'm running" or "I've run" for present tense, or "I ran" for past tense, which is what I think you want. Also, you'd do better to get deeper into the emotion. They've just killed you're family and it ticks you off? I think you can get a lot deeper than that. Anyway, good stuff, good luck for next time.
11/25/2001 c1 Andy
Did you evvver knnnnnnnoooooooooowwwww that you're my he-ro? You're every-thing I wish that I could be! You make me fly higher and higher; why would there be a random parking lot at a Carnival for Bobby and Lindsey to have sex with locals at?

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