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for Legend of Lamournia

7/13/2007 c1 1De'Vaughn
This is really amazing! I see you put alot of heard work into this, and it came out wonderful. Its actuly good enough to have me give it a ten out of ten! I cant wait to see more of this beautyful work! I have a story that I want to show to squre enix that is like kingdom hearts and metal gear solid, but with a Bleach style twist. I was wondering if you would'nt mind take a look at it?
7/8/2003 c6 3Siamh
Intresting story I enjoy reading it. Please Update soon! I can't wait for the next chpater! Bye bye
7/7/2003 c6 11Heather A. Moeller
Again, good chapter. You're getting a hang of your characters . . . hopefully you'll keep them straight. But I don't think you will have a problem with that.
7/7/2003 c5 Heather A. Moeller
Someone else is also reviewing this story! Yea! Alright, now that's out of my system . . . Good chapter! I didn't actually read it while I was doing my work. I like this character . . . hehe
7/6/2003 c3 9OracleVortex
Ha! She got to name a guy! ... Wish I could do that..

Anyway, I'm liking the variaty of characters that you are bringing into your story. Very nice.

I'd continue onto the next chapter, but I have to get offline... I'll finish this next time I'm on, okay?

Great work! Bye!
7/6/2003 c2 OracleVortex
This is nice as well. I like how you are speaking to us [the reader]

^_^ Makes me feel special!

Onto the next chapter!
7/6/2003 c1 OracleVortex
Hey there and hello! You said that you'd check out my poems and you did! Thanks!

This sounds interesting, to say the least.. You have a good story, here, and I can see that it can blossom in any direction you want it to.

The only thing that I would suggest, besides watching your run on sentences, is to save some details about your character for later. You don't have to tell your audience about Ami all at once. It's nice to find things out as we go along.

Good stuff!
5/24/2003 c4 11Heather A. Moeller
One thing I notice you love to do, is make run-on sentences. In the middle you have sentences, that are all strung together, by comas, when you could actually make at least, three different sentences. It sometimes is annoying. I'll give you a rule of thumb: If a sentence has more then two comas; and you are not listing characteristics, or giving a discription /Such as: My brother, Joe, was walking down the street, but soon stopped./ Change your sentence format.

Sorry about the long tirade. Good chapter though
5/11/2003 c3 Heather A. Moeller
You switch tense in the third paragraph. Try using feel instead of felt, don't instead of didn't, will instead of would. The words you used are past tense, and your intros seem to be in present. You missed a F from off, she leapt of the roof, in this section. Drop has, My interest has officially increased, it is cluttering. Also, try using italics for yelling, and special words; like your IT. It looks better, and sometimes is considered politer.

Other then these small mistakes; they are small I swear!; you've done a great job. In first person describing another person's movement is like writing a third person naration; he, she, it.

You're welcome for my reviews. I'm glad you know I'm trying to help you. If you'd like, I'd be willing to be a beta-reader for you since you don't have a spell-checker. My email is, Feel free to ask to ask me to spell/grammar check your work.
5/10/2003 c2 Heather A. Moeller
The Intros are nice, kind of like a background into the story, without taking away from the story.

You might want to respell check this Intro, there's at least one spelling mistake it should pick up.

This sentence is kind of ackward. That might work better for you.

And incase you are trying to decide if I'm being helpful or evil, I'm trying to help you.
5/8/2003 c1 Heather A. Moeller
Hey. I liked your story. I didn't see any misktakes, good job. It's a little confusing, so you might want to reconsider some of your words.

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