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for On The Road With The Young Guns

1/23/2008 c1 Robin Hood
Actually, John is very much the feudal knight, he has his beautiful lady, his faithful retainers, and is completely willing to kill to support his people, and good at it, as well.
6/5/2003 c1 7Demeter Rose
I believe I owe you a review, but this was well-worth the reading time anyway. Your characters are hilarious and well-written. I'd suggest that you look at your paragraph breaks-a few were missing where a new charqacter started speaking, and the Author's notes in the middle of the story are a bit jolting. Otherwise, quite good.
5/21/2003 c1 10Maharanjoni
Neato chappie, although you could elaborate a little more and you left some verbs completely out.

You should give the story more time, like if you were kidnapped by a gang of murderes who were likely to kill you would you immediatly start being nice to them? Or read them the report you had on them? Maybe eventually but it would take some time.

Another thing is that if you were a gang of murderes who had just kidnapped a detective would you immediatly turn around and give her a gun? All im saying is you should leave a little time inbetween events.

Are you british? I used to go to an international school in germany and your write like most of my british friend talk.(not a bad thing)

Ne-way I loved the plot and you are a good writer so please write more! I'll read if you write, deal?



*ahem* sorry. . . old gurdges. . .
5/13/2003 c1 27Loganberry
Interesting to see a character with Asperger's included - that's going to be quite a challenge to write, I'd imagine. On which subject, I'm not *entirely* happy with the police report's definition of it as "a mild variety of autism". And, in spite of what the literature says, I'm not particularly taken with "lack of empathy" either, though I suppose it depends on how you define the term - inability to read body language, for example, I'd go along with, but inability to put oneself in another's shoes I'm not so sure about.

(As you might have guessed, yes, I do have a personal interest in this topic!)

However, the writing itself I thought was very good. The characters have depth to them, and feel like real people rather than cardboard cutouts. It's also, I have to admit, nice to read references to GCSEs and Radio One rather than GPAs and KRUD! =;)

There is a bit of a problem with the motorway service station, though - the only motorway in Shropshire is the M54, which doesn't *have* any services! Okay, so that doesn't really matter in fiction, but it occurred to me when I saw the sentence in question.

Other than the point about Asperger's, I have only small quibbles: surely someone called Jonathan would be shortened to Jon, not John; and the asterisks at each end of the reports at the start maybe don't quite set them off enough from the actual narrative - you can't use italics except with HTML, of course, but maybe an extra blank line would have helped.

Whatever, this is a very interesting and involving first chapter, and I hope more will follow.
5/10/2003 c1 Pisces13
Hi There,

Good story by the way and at least you show more of Isobel and Paula.

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