for The Tortured One11/8/2005 c1 
9Eyetk
Hmm, interesting. However, I'd highly recommend splitting up your paragraphs, for two reasons-one, it's hard to read block text when you're looking at a computer screen, and two, it's improper formatting if you don't split 'em up for dialogue.
Ex: the middle of paragraph four ought to be:
There laid Khabal, laughing and criticizing Kain for his "foolish attempts to survive."
"You reprove me? Yet I am not the one who lays on the ground open for a piercing of the heart!" Exclaimed Kain.
Kain lunged forward, blade aiming at Khabal's chest. But before Kain delivered a nicely done blow to the One, the victim ceased visibility. Kain was sprawled on the dust-covered ground as pain shot through his entire body from the unsuspected fall.
"Get up. I'm sure you can endure a slight stumble." Said the One, who was now standing straight in front of him with a newly grown foot.
Also, at the start you have 'Khabal was emerged within a state of absolute concentration.' Methinks this ought to be 'Khabal was emersed within a state of absolute concentration.'
Hope this helps! Your ideas have potential; this just needs some reformatting.
9EyetkHmm, interesting. However, I'd highly recommend splitting up your paragraphs, for two reasons-one, it's hard to read block text when you're looking at a computer screen, and two, it's improper formatting if you don't split 'em up for dialogue.
Ex: the middle of paragraph four ought to be:
There laid Khabal, laughing and criticizing Kain for his "foolish attempts to survive."
"You reprove me? Yet I am not the one who lays on the ground open for a piercing of the heart!" Exclaimed Kain.
Kain lunged forward, blade aiming at Khabal's chest. But before Kain delivered a nicely done blow to the One, the victim ceased visibility. Kain was sprawled on the dust-covered ground as pain shot through his entire body from the unsuspected fall.
"Get up. I'm sure you can endure a slight stumble." Said the One, who was now standing straight in front of him with a newly grown foot.
Also, at the start you have 'Khabal was emerged within a state of absolute concentration.' Methinks this ought to be 'Khabal was emersed within a state of absolute concentration.'
Hope this helps! Your ideas have potential; this just needs some reformatting.
7/21/2005 c1 2Hollow Bastion
Very nice. Only suggestion I have is that you make the paragraphs shorter (split them up). People tend to be intimidated by long paragraphs. Otherwise great job.
2Hollow BastionVery nice. Only suggestion I have is that you make the paragraphs shorter (split them up). People tend to be intimidated by long paragraphs. Otherwise great job.
6/6/2003 c1 ilelia
Wow great chapter, I can really feel the characters emotion and everything that was happening in the chapter. Very well written. I enjoyed reading this! Is there more?
Wow great chapter, I can really feel the characters emotion and everything that was happening in the chapter. Very well written. I enjoyed reading this! Is there more?