for Mage6/19/2003 c3 
2mystal
I see that you've improved a little on the grammar though there are still a few mistakes here and there but hey, at least it isn't as confusing as the previous chapters.good for you!
Work a little on the punctuation? I think you are missing a few commas here and there. ( e.g. " Jovial, I am Anita." instead of " Jovial I am Anita" ?)
I disagree with suckerplucker's statement that the sentence " A tyrant... back then" is an awkward sentence though. It's more of a matter of writing style- that's my opinion anyway. But I have to agree he did point out a few stuff correctly.
Overall, I think the plot is definitely much better than a lot of other stuff I've read on FP.
Nice job on the suggestion that Nebakh isn't the tyrant's son- otherwise it would seem pretty weird that he abhors his own father. I'm looking forward to the explanations as to why the tyrant fears magic and what exactly is Nebakh's role in all this. :)
2mystalI see that you've improved a little on the grammar though there are still a few mistakes here and there but hey, at least it isn't as confusing as the previous chapters.good for you!
Work a little on the punctuation? I think you are missing a few commas here and there. ( e.g. " Jovial, I am Anita." instead of " Jovial I am Anita" ?)
I disagree with suckerplucker's statement that the sentence " A tyrant... back then" is an awkward sentence though. It's more of a matter of writing style- that's my opinion anyway. But I have to agree he did point out a few stuff correctly.
Overall, I think the plot is definitely much better than a lot of other stuff I've read on FP.
Nice job on the suggestion that Nebakh isn't the tyrant's son- otherwise it would seem pretty weird that he abhors his own father. I'm looking forward to the explanations as to why the tyrant fears magic and what exactly is Nebakh's role in all this. :)
6/19/2003 c3 4EmNight87
Okay, the plot is decent. There are some grammatical errors. One you keep repeating is saying 'than' instead of 'then' and vice versa. Sometimes the punctuation in your dialog is wrong, read up on it and fix it. I'd like more discription on...well...everything.
I want to know what everyone and everything looks like. I need to be able to imagine myself in this world, feel like I know it. I need it to be an alternate reality for me. So far all I really know about Nebakh is that he's fifteen, and you say that quite a lot. Oh and you need to spell out fifteen not write 15.
I could do a whole and complete edit with this if you wanted me to. I can't promise I'm that good at editing, but I can catch little mistakes that some people may not. On the other hand I'm only fifteen. But if you want me to give it a shot I'd be honored (email me : ).
I think this is a very promising story. Keep it up!
4EmNight87Okay, the plot is decent. There are some grammatical errors. One you keep repeating is saying 'than' instead of 'then' and vice versa. Sometimes the punctuation in your dialog is wrong, read up on it and fix it. I'd like more discription on...well...everything.
I want to know what everyone and everything looks like. I need to be able to imagine myself in this world, feel like I know it. I need it to be an alternate reality for me. So far all I really know about Nebakh is that he's fifteen, and you say that quite a lot. Oh and you need to spell out fifteen not write 15.
I could do a whole and complete edit with this if you wanted me to. I can't promise I'm that good at editing, but I can catch little mistakes that some people may not. On the other hand I'm only fifteen. But if you want me to give it a shot I'd be honored (email me : ).
I think this is a very promising story. Keep it up!
6/19/2003 c1 23suckerplucker
some notes as i read:
soup? quoi? what are you talking about? what halls? and why are they beholding? Are youi talking about the government of the city? Pretty lame transition to Nebakh
"A tyrant that was much more like a warlord ruled the town back then" quoi? how awkward is this scentance! how about 'Then, a warlord-like tyrant ruled the city', its still not perfect, but alot less awkward.
Finery? what? if he's already dressed in finery at the beginning of his day, why does he have to put on more in the evening?
You're confusing your tenses, earlier you said Nebakh is, and now you say he hated, obviously in the past tense
"inconceinably" not "inconceivable" you need an adverb, not an adjective
"As a young boy who wanted a start to what he wished to be he ran into his father" what the hell does this mean?
Question: How can you break silver
Answer: you cant, you can dent it, but cant break it
a body "kicks in"? and why does it matter that its a 15 year old body, are you talking about raging horomones?
'blinding to bearable' not "blinding too bearable"
why does he discount the flowers as the source of the smell? is the smell of magic different?
Where was his focus before it was within the light?
Why does her being slim stop her from carrying weapons?
How does her face reveal her personality? especially two such polar attributes?
you misuse tranfixed. Its usually passive (he was transfixed by the woman as opposed to the lady transfixed him)
you have ware instead of aware
"Anita laughed full haughtily"-this makes no sense, you can laugh heartily, that is from deep in the chest, but haughtily means prissily or snobbishly
what happened to the brother?
why is he fixated on Anita the servant girl when before he was "transfixed" on the other woman?
This is not a flame, just a whole bunch of creative criticism, you have really good origional ideas, you just need to work on your expression of them
zac
()
23suckerpluckersome notes as i read:
soup? quoi? what are you talking about? what halls? and why are they beholding? Are youi talking about the government of the city? Pretty lame transition to Nebakh
"A tyrant that was much more like a warlord ruled the town back then" quoi? how awkward is this scentance! how about 'Then, a warlord-like tyrant ruled the city', its still not perfect, but alot less awkward.
Finery? what? if he's already dressed in finery at the beginning of his day, why does he have to put on more in the evening?
You're confusing your tenses, earlier you said Nebakh is, and now you say he hated, obviously in the past tense
"inconceinably" not "inconceivable" you need an adverb, not an adjective
"As a young boy who wanted a start to what he wished to be he ran into his father" what the hell does this mean?
Question: How can you break silver
Answer: you cant, you can dent it, but cant break it
a body "kicks in"? and why does it matter that its a 15 year old body, are you talking about raging horomones?
'blinding to bearable' not "blinding too bearable"
why does he discount the flowers as the source of the smell? is the smell of magic different?
Where was his focus before it was within the light?
Why does her being slim stop her from carrying weapons?
How does her face reveal her personality? especially two such polar attributes?
you misuse tranfixed. Its usually passive (he was transfixed by the woman as opposed to the lady transfixed him)
you have ware instead of aware
"Anita laughed full haughtily"-this makes no sense, you can laugh heartily, that is from deep in the chest, but haughtily means prissily or snobbishly
what happened to the brother?
why is he fixated on Anita the servant girl when before he was "transfixed" on the other woman?
This is not a flame, just a whole bunch of creative criticism, you have really good origional ideas, you just need to work on your expression of them
zac
()
6/12/2003 c2 2mystal
I like your style.The chapters are also of a nice length.The grammar does need a little working on though... it makes the reader a bit confused. All in all, it sounds very promising. I'll definitely keep an eye on this. :)
2mystalI like your style.The chapters are also of a nice length.The grammar does need a little working on though... it makes the reader a bit confused. All in all, it sounds very promising. I'll definitely keep an eye on this. :)
6/11/2003 c1 16RuathaWehrling
:) This story has potential! The characters are interesting and engaging and the theory that magic can be learned (maybe!) is cool.
You've got to watch your grammar, though. For example: "He hated this it was inconceivable boring..." You need a semicolon, or dash, or a period between "this" and "it". There are a whole bunch of things like that in here. Run it through grammar check, if you're not good at grammar yourself, but get it fixed. It'll make your story more fun to read. Oh. And you might try longer paragraphs, when it's not a dialogue. Just a hint.
Anyways, please keep writing. I'd love to know where you're going with this! :)
16RuathaWehrling:) This story has potential! The characters are interesting and engaging and the theory that magic can be learned (maybe!) is cool.
You've got to watch your grammar, though. For example: "He hated this it was inconceivable boring..." You need a semicolon, or dash, or a period between "this" and "it". There are a whole bunch of things like that in here. Run it through grammar check, if you're not good at grammar yourself, but get it fixed. It'll make your story more fun to read. Oh. And you might try longer paragraphs, when it's not a dialogue. Just a hint.
Anyways, please keep writing. I'd love to know where you're going with this! :)