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for Yoxnez: The Kinarah Kelando Quartet

11/13/2003 c3 7Lightness
you guys are doing great. that language thing was kinda spiffy. just need more descriptions.. they help paint a better picture and thats always good. thats the main thing youre lacking, really. kay, keep writing. have fun, kiddie-os.
11/13/2003 c2 Lightness
hmm.. this is pretty interesting. its got lotsa dialogue (thats not necessarily bad) but it feels really really really rushed and kinda odd (becuz of all the rushiness, ya know?). i wish you had more descriptions and such. sides that, its great. theres no little grammatical mistakes and such so thats a big plus. :). kay.. im gonna move on.

ohh.. thanks for reviewing my story, by the by. it was muchly loved. ^_^.
8/25/2003 c3 1KiwiiAngel
This is a pretty good story. post the next chap please! its getting more exciting. is there going to be something betwen sapphire and ned?
8/12/2003 c3 TAE the Adventurer
It was a bit of a confusing switch when "The rest of the day went by as a blur", and then it went straight into the dream sequence. It would be better if "The rest of the day went by in a blur, and it seemed to have been no time at all before Sapphire crawled into bed." You know, just something to distinguish it at the end of the day. Anyway, it's getting better, so keep up the good work!
6/29/2003 c2 TAE the Adventurer
I think this chap was much better than your last one, mostly because you took more time to talk about what was happening. But you're still a bit lacking in descriptions. Also, your book plot is really interesting, but the words in the book were borderline corny. Don't you think it would be much more interesting if there was a poem in the book or a little story, like a prophecy? Maybe something mysterious, so Sapphire gets something interesting to figure out? Um, I guess my point is that "You have been chosen to save the world" sounds more like a pop-up banner ad than something a magic book would say. But keep up the good work, it's getting more interesting!
6/23/2003 c1 TAE the Adventurer
Interesting plot idea! I look forward to seeing how you develop it. However, I think it was rushed by too much dialogue and too few descriptions of sapphire's surroundings and feelings. Keep it up, your writing will improve!
6/23/2003 c1 1VizzyJRou
You know, I hate seeing that big blank 0 for reviews, so I decided to review my self! lol Put up the next chapter soon! (Hopefully) However, PLEASE review if you haven't already!

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