for The Source8/1/2003 c2 
15pinkdragon
I was glad to see that Cara is a little more dynamic and not so one-dimensional in this chapter. I like that she's an outcast it gives her . . . depth. Why doesn't she continue to see Vengan when she's grown? What is he?
15pinkdragonI was glad to see that Cara is a little more dynamic and not so one-dimensional in this chapter. I like that she's an outcast it gives her . . . depth. Why doesn't she continue to see Vengan when she's grown? What is he?
8/1/2003 c1 pinkdragon
OH. . .MY. . .GOD! This isn't your "best work?" This is a million times better than my best! I started reading this and was like, "I;m going to finish this tomorrow because it's long." But I'm hooked. I can't stop! I love it, simply love it.
OH. . .MY. . .GOD! This isn't your "best work?" This is a million times better than my best! I started reading this and was like, "I;m going to finish this tomorrow because it's long." But I'm hooked. I can't stop! I love it, simply love it.
7/11/2003 c2 14DigiDayDreamer
Yeah, I read the second chapter and. . .um, Cara needs to adjust her attitude. But I'm not complaining. ^_^ Who else would hate school? (Not me. I'm neutral.)
Well, it's a well development for Cara. Oh and she used deductive reasoning to figure who put that eerie necklace on her.
*fakes shuddering* I never babysat before...^_^ I wonder how bad it would really be...
It isn't much, but I would really want to know more about Cara and Vengan. Well, gotta go read Loki!
Spell ya later!
14DigiDayDreamerYeah, I read the second chapter and. . .um, Cara needs to adjust her attitude. But I'm not complaining. ^_^ Who else would hate school? (Not me. I'm neutral.)
Well, it's a well development for Cara. Oh and she used deductive reasoning to figure who put that eerie necklace on her.
*fakes shuddering* I never babysat before...^_^ I wonder how bad it would really be...
It isn't much, but I would really want to know more about Cara and Vengan. Well, gotta go read Loki!
Spell ya later!
7/11/2003 c1 DigiDayDreamer
Well, it's a good starting chapter, Zelle, Heh, your penname rhymes with Belle, one of my favorite authors. And since the great authoress has reviewed you, I shall review you as well. So many great stories lack such great review. Hopefully I will remedy that in your situation.
You ask for my opinion? It's fresh though not original (then again, nothing's ever truly original).
At the start, it's a bit suspenseful. It made me think, "Hey, who's that guy and why is he all so strange?" The way you started describing him was painless and vivid and it made him stand out, despite his plain appearance (or so you described him as).
The transition was excellent: no abrupt stops and the plot continues naturally. It surprised me a bit when you mention about his wings. A bit. And his thoughts sounded like the lover who strayed from his love forcibly.
Hmm, how interesting of him to think Hamlet as curious.
*thinks a bit* I feel sorry for Vengan now after seeing that flashback. It must have been nearly heartbreaking to him when he started longing for Cara when he couldn't get close enough for her. ~_~
But I'm glad she was able to remember him. Maybe she wasn't sleeping after all.^_^
All in all, it was a very good read.
Hope this review helps you. Can't find much criticism for this chapter. I liked your reviews on Belle's story.
Well, until then. . .
Spell ya later!
Well, it's a good starting chapter, Zelle, Heh, your penname rhymes with Belle, one of my favorite authors. And since the great authoress has reviewed you, I shall review you as well. So many great stories lack such great review. Hopefully I will remedy that in your situation.
You ask for my opinion? It's fresh though not original (then again, nothing's ever truly original).
At the start, it's a bit suspenseful. It made me think, "Hey, who's that guy and why is he all so strange?" The way you started describing him was painless and vivid and it made him stand out, despite his plain appearance (or so you described him as).
The transition was excellent: no abrupt stops and the plot continues naturally. It surprised me a bit when you mention about his wings. A bit. And his thoughts sounded like the lover who strayed from his love forcibly.
Hmm, how interesting of him to think Hamlet as curious.
*thinks a bit* I feel sorry for Vengan now after seeing that flashback. It must have been nearly heartbreaking to him when he started longing for Cara when he couldn't get close enough for her. ~_~
But I'm glad she was able to remember him. Maybe she wasn't sleeping after all.^_^
All in all, it was a very good read.
Hope this review helps you. Can't find much criticism for this chapter. I liked your reviews on Belle's story.
Well, until then. . .
Spell ya later!
7/11/2003 c2 6Belle the Shadow-Cat
Cool! We get to find out about Cara. She seems like a nice normal girl, who get's left out a little bit. After reading i'm guessing she's still around 16. She still goes to school so she has to be no older than 18. but her mother drives her to school that leads me to believe she's younger than that. 16-17 ish. Although we get our driver's license when we reach 16 but it's different in some places.
Aww she get's to baby sit. Timmy the Terror heehe. Poor her. I only saw my little nephew who's got a bad speech impediemnt so you can hardly understand and he's a terror. ALthough Tyler aka. Tyrus is his name.
Terror would fit him a little too well. -_-
One thing - in the flash back you change from third person to I person in a few sentences. I don't think you meant to do that, but it'd better to stay in one tense isn't it. And if you're changing at least let us know it's changing. It just cam right out of the blue. Though you went back to third person. The necklace doesn't come off? Freaky!
Oh thanks for your reviews.
P.s: It wouldn't spoil the story if you told me cara's age would it? It's KILLING ME! I'm trying to figure it out . . . but i can't. Gahh. . .
Good luck on your stories and i hope camp was fun. And it is NOT a crappy story -though i like loki a bit better.
-Belle the Shadow-Cat
6Belle the Shadow-CatCool! We get to find out about Cara. She seems like a nice normal girl, who get's left out a little bit. After reading i'm guessing she's still around 16. She still goes to school so she has to be no older than 18. but her mother drives her to school that leads me to believe she's younger than that. 16-17 ish. Although we get our driver's license when we reach 16 but it's different in some places.
Aww she get's to baby sit. Timmy the Terror heehe. Poor her. I only saw my little nephew who's got a bad speech impediemnt so you can hardly understand and he's a terror. ALthough Tyler aka. Tyrus is his name.
Terror would fit him a little too well. -_-
One thing - in the flash back you change from third person to I person in a few sentences. I don't think you meant to do that, but it'd better to stay in one tense isn't it. And if you're changing at least let us know it's changing. It just cam right out of the blue. Though you went back to third person. The necklace doesn't come off? Freaky!
Oh thanks for your reviews.
P.s: It wouldn't spoil the story if you told me cara's age would it? It's KILLING ME! I'm trying to figure it out . . . but i can't. Gahh. . .
Good luck on your stories and i hope camp was fun. And it is NOT a crappy story -though i like loki a bit better.
-Belle the Shadow-Cat
7/11/2003 c1 Belle the Shadow-Cat
You want to know exactly what i think . . . okay. I shall (try) and give you an indepth review. So i'll do something i haven't done before - I'll read this over (again) and try to remember my thoughts at certain moments. But before i start - it was great.
He stopped before a small, white mailbox. everything above that i was thinking how great the descriptions were, and they are really good and vivid. I also wondered what the heck this man was doing. At first i thought he might have been a killer on the run - sorta. I also thought he might be stopping at the house to see his wife - or something.
Muttering under his breath, the air shivered behind him?bursting into sparks that weaved into a pair of feathered wings. Feathers black and unkempt like his hair.
*stops reading and blinks in surprise* What? This guy has wings . . . That changes my perception on him a bit.
Discarding the book, he went quickly for one of the papers laying innocently on the floor. It was full of crosses and slashes in inks of every perceivable color, but one name stood alone at the bottom. Circled with vigor. ?Matt Smith.? With only the barest of glances at the name, he crumpled the paper. Holding it in his hand, the paper seemed to ignite and burn rapidly until it was nothing more than a pile of ashes that he brushed briskly from his hand.
~Now i was starting to wonder if he might not be watching a full grown women - or perhaps he was - All i know is that sounds like a teenager to me - writing down names of guys on paper. When he burned it up . .. Jealousy perhaps - protectiveness?
. . .he had chosen her?to be his Source. ~~hmm heard that word somewhere before what could it mean. And she's difinitely a teenager - somewhere around 15-17 is my guess. I thought she might be alittle older than that as i read onwards, but i'm still not sure.
could remember a time when he had been here on Earth. ~~Not originally from earth, Eh? intriguing.
And the Flashback was informative - and cute. YOu portray Cara's five year old self perfectly. It's funny how little kids stop crying if you do something that makes them curious or feel special. Like a Scooby Doo band-aid on a scraped knee. Those things work wonders i tell you.
This is revised! Cool. This was really well done. At first it seemed a little different because of the first-person i've been used to with Loki -but this third person was well done.
One thing i would like to point out.
And before she could ask any more, his body shivered and faded in between the rays of light.
Only to reappear in a nearby tree. He needed to be sure that she was safe before he could truly leave.
I'd start the only setence next to when he fades, when you read it, it seems like you're cutting of a sentence. And when you start it it feels a little akward.
And Supernatural seems to fit, though fantasy would work just as well. And at first it seemed almost suspenseful. And i like your idea. Now to read more . . .
p.S thanks for reviewing my story.
-Belle
You want to know exactly what i think . . . okay. I shall (try) and give you an indepth review. So i'll do something i haven't done before - I'll read this over (again) and try to remember my thoughts at certain moments. But before i start - it was great.
He stopped before a small, white mailbox. everything above that i was thinking how great the descriptions were, and they are really good and vivid. I also wondered what the heck this man was doing. At first i thought he might have been a killer on the run - sorta. I also thought he might be stopping at the house to see his wife - or something.
Muttering under his breath, the air shivered behind him?bursting into sparks that weaved into a pair of feathered wings. Feathers black and unkempt like his hair.
*stops reading and blinks in surprise* What? This guy has wings . . . That changes my perception on him a bit.
Discarding the book, he went quickly for one of the papers laying innocently on the floor. It was full of crosses and slashes in inks of every perceivable color, but one name stood alone at the bottom. Circled with vigor. ?Matt Smith.? With only the barest of glances at the name, he crumpled the paper. Holding it in his hand, the paper seemed to ignite and burn rapidly until it was nothing more than a pile of ashes that he brushed briskly from his hand.
~Now i was starting to wonder if he might not be watching a full grown women - or perhaps he was - All i know is that sounds like a teenager to me - writing down names of guys on paper. When he burned it up . .. Jealousy perhaps - protectiveness?
. . .he had chosen her?to be his Source. ~~hmm heard that word somewhere before what could it mean. And she's difinitely a teenager - somewhere around 15-17 is my guess. I thought she might be alittle older than that as i read onwards, but i'm still not sure.
could remember a time when he had been here on Earth. ~~Not originally from earth, Eh? intriguing.
And the Flashback was informative - and cute. YOu portray Cara's five year old self perfectly. It's funny how little kids stop crying if you do something that makes them curious or feel special. Like a Scooby Doo band-aid on a scraped knee. Those things work wonders i tell you.
This is revised! Cool. This was really well done. At first it seemed a little different because of the first-person i've been used to with Loki -but this third person was well done.
One thing i would like to point out.
And before she could ask any more, his body shivered and faded in between the rays of light.
Only to reappear in a nearby tree. He needed to be sure that she was safe before he could truly leave.
I'd start the only setence next to when he fades, when you read it, it seems like you're cutting of a sentence. And when you start it it feels a little akward.
And Supernatural seems to fit, though fantasy would work just as well. And at first it seemed almost suspenseful. And i like your idea. Now to read more . . .
p.S thanks for reviewing my story.
-Belle
7/10/2003 c2 8Kezkay
I NEED CHOCOLATE! You know what the cruelest thing in the world to do is? Eating chocolate icecream in front of a chocolate-deprived Kezhound. The SECOND most heinous thing would be to talk in detail about it on AIM! Thou art so cruel! (almost as bad as Sally...hehe) Anyway, back to your fic...I found this chapter to be very interesting and full on character development on Cara's part...(don'tja just love it when someone states the obvious?) You left muchos room for tons of further development on the relationship with her mum, and also for her quirks n'...stuff. What I would like to see is a little more development on Vengan... I can't decide whether I like him or not. What are his blasted motives? Where will they lead him? Torn conscience? Protection of his chosen 'gal? To feast on chocolate? hehe. Pweeze make something bad happen to Sally?
...I wear black...what's wrong with wearing loose and black? bah! Everyone go read LOKI!
8KezkayI NEED CHOCOLATE! You know what the cruelest thing in the world to do is? Eating chocolate icecream in front of a chocolate-deprived Kezhound. The SECOND most heinous thing would be to talk in detail about it on AIM! Thou art so cruel! (almost as bad as Sally...hehe) Anyway, back to your fic...I found this chapter to be very interesting and full on character development on Cara's part...(don'tja just love it when someone states the obvious?) You left muchos room for tons of further development on the relationship with her mum, and also for her quirks n'...stuff. What I would like to see is a little more development on Vengan... I can't decide whether I like him or not. What are his blasted motives? Where will they lead him? Torn conscience? Protection of his chosen 'gal? To feast on chocolate? hehe. Pweeze make something bad happen to Sally?
...I wear black...what's wrong with wearing loose and black? bah! Everyone go read LOKI!
7/2/2003 c2 38Fate Thirteen
Heehee, spooky! It's so cool - you really SHOULD continue, although obviously I love Loki and want you to write more of that...
That necklace seems scary. I'd get really paranoid wearing something that I couldn't get off. But then she seems to not find it a threat, so I guess Vengan is a benevolent but scary person.
I want to know about those wings...
38Fate ThirteenHeehee, spooky! It's so cool - you really SHOULD continue, although obviously I love Loki and want you to write more of that...
That necklace seems scary. I'd get really paranoid wearing something that I couldn't get off. But then she seems to not find it a threat, so I guess Vengan is a benevolent but scary person.
I want to know about those wings...
6/26/2003 c1 8Kezkay
Say...didn't I already review this...? *scratches head* Hmm, anyway, now that his name is no longer Vegan..*hmphsnorklesnort-chuckle*, I just wanted to say that I loved this description of Vengan: "There was nothing particularly threatening about his attire—he would have blended in smoothly among any group of businesspeople. But it was the lean meanness of his face that gave him the look of trained assassins that killed without thought. It was the sharp arch of his eyebrows and the set line of his mouth. And he almost would have been handsome were it not for the strange tattoos across one cheek—twisting and curling like the body of a snake against skin as dark as earth—and the unnatural silver sheen in his eyes. Glinting like the blade of a knife in the snow." The description is awesomely-cool, but is kind of awkward...maybe just a wittle editing? I am totally curious as to just WHAT this Vengan character is. So far my best guess is some life-energy sucking being that depends on mortals for sustained life, and when he gets low on energy he has to sleep in that "cold place," or something like that. I have TOTALLY been churning these thoughts over in my head, so if I'm right, YAY, is not, bah! I need chocolate and a kick in the arse. 'ani, -Kez
8KezkaySay...didn't I already review this...? *scratches head* Hmm, anyway, now that his name is no longer Vegan..*hmphsnorklesnort-chuckle*, I just wanted to say that I loved this description of Vengan: "There was nothing particularly threatening about his attire—he would have blended in smoothly among any group of businesspeople. But it was the lean meanness of his face that gave him the look of trained assassins that killed without thought. It was the sharp arch of his eyebrows and the set line of his mouth. And he almost would have been handsome were it not for the strange tattoos across one cheek—twisting and curling like the body of a snake against skin as dark as earth—and the unnatural silver sheen in his eyes. Glinting like the blade of a knife in the snow." The description is awesomely-cool, but is kind of awkward...maybe just a wittle editing? I am totally curious as to just WHAT this Vengan character is. So far my best guess is some life-energy sucking being that depends on mortals for sustained life, and when he gets low on energy he has to sleep in that "cold place," or something like that. I have TOTALLY been churning these thoughts over in my head, so if I'm right, YAY, is not, bah! I need chocolate and a kick in the arse. 'ani, -Kez
6/25/2003 c1 38Fate Thirteen
I don't think I reviewed this the first time around, but I definitely read it. This version does seem better from what I remember, and it's a very cool idea.
Although *hides* it sort of reminds me of Untitled (although there's only six storylines in the world, so something's got to give, and I don't mind either, 'cause it's not my idea anyway) in that it's all sort of dark and mysterious and... *hits self with keyboard* Rambling. Shutting up.
But it sounds really cool. Is he like some sort of vampire or... something? Hope you update this and keep going.
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38Fate ThirteenI don't think I reviewed this the first time around, but I definitely read it. This version does seem better from what I remember, and it's a very cool idea.
Although *hides* it sort of reminds me of Untitled (although there's only six storylines in the world, so something's got to give, and I don't mind either, 'cause it's not my idea anyway) in that it's all sort of dark and mysterious and... *hits self with keyboard* Rambling. Shutting up.
But it sounds really cool. Is he like some sort of vampire or... something? Hope you update this and keep going.
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