1/12/2004 c1 13elmo44449999
Brilliant. Each of the four stanzas was perfectly identical, rhyme and rhythm scheme-wise, which in itself is incredibly difficult to do. The only thing I would recommend is making the last line "Aground" instead of "Onto the ground," but other than that, it's absolutely perfect. It really portrays the hopelessness, but not overly strongly. There's some beautiful language and excellent symbolism. I like the repitition, too, and the short lines: they make it original. Really good work; I love this.
Brilliant. Each of the four stanzas was perfectly identical, rhyme and rhythm scheme-wise, which in itself is incredibly difficult to do. The only thing I would recommend is making the last line "Aground" instead of "Onto the ground," but other than that, it's absolutely perfect. It really portrays the hopelessness, but not overly strongly. There's some beautiful language and excellent symbolism. I like the repitition, too, and the short lines: they make it original. Really good work; I love this.
7/8/2003 c1 35Mime
Great job! This is just a wonderful piece. It reminds me of a book I read once, that was composed of all poems.
Great job! This is just a wonderful piece. It reminds me of a book I read once, that was composed of all poems.
7/1/2003 c1 36obsidian katana
awesome piece! cool format, i like it a lot. this is nicely written, full of emotion. great job! keep on writing!
awesome piece! cool format, i like it a lot. this is nicely written, full of emotion. great job! keep on writing!
7/1/2003 c1 128Zainab
Beautiful, another well written piece. I like the last part best. "A red haze swirls..." beautiful
Beautiful, another well written piece. I like the last part best. "A red haze swirls..." beautiful
6/29/2003 c1 89Stoffpferd
That literally took my breath away and made me shiver. Great job...this one needs to be put on my fave's list!
That literally took my breath away and made me shiver. Great job...this one needs to be put on my fave's list!
6/27/2003 c1 34Wasted Postage
Oh! This is wonderful work! Simply marvelous! I liked the format you used. Wonderfully written! Excellent work!
~*~AbunaiChikara
Oh! This is wonderful work! Simply marvelous! I liked the format you used. Wonderfully written! Excellent work!
~*~AbunaiChikara
6/27/2003 c1 176DefianceIsMe
I think this method for emphasizing really works. I love the last few lines...it gives such a sense of detachment. To me that is what death is like. Like right before you die your spirit leaves your body and you can watch yourself die...anyways great poem.
I think this method for emphasizing really works. I love the last few lines...it gives such a sense of detachment. To me that is what death is like. Like right before you die your spirit leaves your body and you can watch yourself die...anyways great poem.
6/27/2003 c1 100Keep it 100
Wow. I felt like this was happening to me. You really are a talented writer.
~Heart of the Sword
Wow. I felt like this was happening to me. You really are a talented writer.
~Heart of the Sword
6/27/2003 c1 25rootin4philly
Wow, that's as close as I ever want to come to death. That's really moving.
Wow, that's as close as I ever want to come to death. That's really moving.