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for Larri's Story

5/19/2004 c1 1Jaquard
Oh my word. I couldn't get past the first chapter, because my head is in a flat spin.
This story has a lot of promise... if you can clean it up a bit. It is severely disjointed and there is no logical (even for fantasy) flow in the story.
Scenes are only one paragraph in length. That's not terribly condusive to jell the whole story together. Try keeping the spoken text on their own lines as to differentiate better between speakers.
Characters are introduced hurly-burly and with no thought as to how they relate to other characters.
Please try to re-do the paragraphs and try to get some sort of flow between paragraphs.
6/28/2003 c2 14Weightless In Love
AW! It's so...aw. Keep going! Keep going!

Am very curious as to what will happen to William.
6/27/2003 c1 Weightless In Love
Oh...DRAMA! Woo. Again, loving the names. It's a happy, lovely soap opera story and I hope you write more 'cause I may get hooked...

And I love the line:"...Friends are for life Taylor. Men are just used for reproduction. No one needs a man, but everyone needs a friend"

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