for Cinderella: Niko's Story1/20/2006 c8 
6Individuality
This was an awesome story until I realised it hadn't been updated for 2 years and the last chapter ended like that :P
6IndividualityThis was an awesome story until I realised it hadn't been updated for 2 years and the last chapter ended like that :P
8/29/2005 c8 Tree
Hmm...well, I can't say this is a completely horrible story. The description is surprisingly better then the over all style you have going on. I do like the characterization of Joline as well as Grendel and her sister. Stories like this need a few good bitches. :P
I have a hard time believing about your main character being the Lady of the night. First, it seemed as if you sliced off quite a nice bit of the story and just jammed the fourth chapter in there. A bit...sudden, perhaps?
Secondly, the part where she argued with her stepmother also baffled me. She is spirited, and then she becomes the meek servant? Was there a reason Joline started obeying their orders and taking the beatings? She is smart and strong, as you have portrayed her, so I don't understand why she would do those chores and take the humiliation when her stepmother couldn't kick her out of the house. All that black mail...doesn't make sense she wouldn't use it to her advantage. Is it to better cover her nighttime activities?
Thirdly, Joline doesn't seem to have the personality of someone that would kill because of money. An assassin kills to survive. Whether it is to kill a mere peasant or a family hiring her to kill their own blood, it is still killing. In chapter 7, it implies that Joline and her mentor might have been doing more then thieving, if they do take killing offers, morals such as those don't fit in too well.
Fourthly, the scene where Joline is walking home with Riam made me cringe slightly. That was WAY too much information. As a supposedly cold thief, if that is what you are trying to portray, she was WAY too open with her family. Trust is not something that flows easily from a top thief, because of their constant need to be on guard. She then proceeded to name names and THEN showed him to her home...that completely threw everything out of loop. Instead of acting on the little "connection" she felt, she should have brushed it off as some insignificant emotion.
One more thing, I also got the impression you were trying to make the main character out to be a "robin hood" type of person. I may be wrong, but if you are, the personalities and situations sort of...contradict one another.
Other then those things, you might want to consider getting a beta, the grammar and punctuation mistakes need some work.
I don't mean to go off and start blabbering on the criticism, but I really like stories that have angst and when some try too hard, it ruins the image they are trying to create. I hope this has been helpful. This was not meant to sugar coat the phrase: your story sucks. It doesn't, it just needs some improvement, but nothing you can't fix.
Or you can brush it all off and decide I am just another one of those picky ass readers, ne?
I will be looking forward to your future works. Ciao.
Hmm...well, I can't say this is a completely horrible story. The description is surprisingly better then the over all style you have going on. I do like the characterization of Joline as well as Grendel and her sister. Stories like this need a few good bitches. :P
I have a hard time believing about your main character being the Lady of the night. First, it seemed as if you sliced off quite a nice bit of the story and just jammed the fourth chapter in there. A bit...sudden, perhaps?
Secondly, the part where she argued with her stepmother also baffled me. She is spirited, and then she becomes the meek servant? Was there a reason Joline started obeying their orders and taking the beatings? She is smart and strong, as you have portrayed her, so I don't understand why she would do those chores and take the humiliation when her stepmother couldn't kick her out of the house. All that black mail...doesn't make sense she wouldn't use it to her advantage. Is it to better cover her nighttime activities?
Thirdly, Joline doesn't seem to have the personality of someone that would kill because of money. An assassin kills to survive. Whether it is to kill a mere peasant or a family hiring her to kill their own blood, it is still killing. In chapter 7, it implies that Joline and her mentor might have been doing more then thieving, if they do take killing offers, morals such as those don't fit in too well.
Fourthly, the scene where Joline is walking home with Riam made me cringe slightly. That was WAY too much information. As a supposedly cold thief, if that is what you are trying to portray, she was WAY too open with her family. Trust is not something that flows easily from a top thief, because of their constant need to be on guard. She then proceeded to name names and THEN showed him to her home...that completely threw everything out of loop. Instead of acting on the little "connection" she felt, she should have brushed it off as some insignificant emotion.
One more thing, I also got the impression you were trying to make the main character out to be a "robin hood" type of person. I may be wrong, but if you are, the personalities and situations sort of...contradict one another.
Other then those things, you might want to consider getting a beta, the grammar and punctuation mistakes need some work.
I don't mean to go off and start blabbering on the criticism, but I really like stories that have angst and when some try too hard, it ruins the image they are trying to create. I hope this has been helpful. This was not meant to sugar coat the phrase: your story sucks. It doesn't, it just needs some improvement, but nothing you can't fix.
Or you can brush it all off and decide I am just another one of those picky ass readers, ne?
I will be looking forward to your future works. Ciao.
6/28/2005 c8 4Cowgurl4God
If you could spare a little time to write another two chapters I'd be so happy.
4Cowgurl4GodIf you could spare a little time to write another two chapters I'd be so happy.
6/8/2005 c3 temblance
Hey! I really liked it so far. I love reading this type of story (I even started one of my own). I cant wait to see how you characterize the prince later on. That should be interesting...Also, i love the names that you chose for everyone!
Hey! I really liked it so far. I love reading this type of story (I even started one of my own). I cant wait to see how you characterize the prince later on. That should be interesting...Also, i love the names that you chose for everyone!
1/23/2005 c8 a fan
i only have one q. y arent u updating? this or ur other story? hurry up! im going on withdrawal here!
i only have one q. y arent u updating? this or ur other story? hurry up! im going on withdrawal here!
11/5/2004 c8 Claire-a-bell
Can you please post another chapter? I really like this story. Same with your other one too!
Can you please post another chapter? I really like this story. Same with your other one too!
7/31/2004 c8 becca
oh come on! that is such a cliff-hanger that it isn't even friggin funny!
okay, maybe a little... but lets gos with the story peoples!
oh come on! that is such a cliff-hanger that it isn't even friggin funny!
okay, maybe a little... but lets gos with the story peoples!
7/6/2004 c8 wolf-star100
I like Dranem, you should keep him in but I hate Caterayne. I love your story and Princess of Thieves is even better! You need to update on that soon. I haven't been reading on fictionpress very long but so far Princess of Thieves is my favorite. Do you know of any good stories to read or any good authors?
I like Dranem, you should keep him in but I hate Caterayne. I love your story and Princess of Thieves is even better! You need to update on that soon. I haven't been reading on fictionpress very long but so far Princess of Thieves is my favorite. Do you know of any good stories to read or any good authors?
7/5/2004 c8 2Sorcha Jade
ok, i like how you've motivated the mother, its believable and thats really important. i also despise the mother forhow she treats joline. but also, how did joline try to marry? that seems a bit odd. but anywho, i liked riam. he's neat, despite his deception. every man needs his mystery. This intrigue is awesome. Now, that was a cliffie...and you've got a four month delay which i'm definitely asking you to remidy. if you need somehelp, i'll be glad to...just update!
2Sorcha Jadeok, i like how you've motivated the mother, its believable and thats really important. i also despise the mother forhow she treats joline. but also, how did joline try to marry? that seems a bit odd. but anywho, i liked riam. he's neat, despite his deception. every man needs his mystery. This intrigue is awesome. Now, that was a cliffie...and you've got a four month delay which i'm definitely asking you to remidy. if you need somehelp, i'll be glad to...just update!