for Benyos the Wanderer1/23/2004 c3 
4Hedgistar
So far so good. The story is nice, seemingly well thought out and the plot development is carried out smoothly.
I have a few qualms, mostly small ones:
I noticed this is on the Sci-Fi category. I frankly think it shouldn't belong in Sci-Fi as there's nothing so far to prove that. It, IMO, belongs in the Fantasy category. There's just no Sci-Fi feel to story at all. And just becuase you're in another planet does not mean its sci-fi. Tolken's Middle Earth is in another planet, and that's not sci-fi. Even the teleportation stones aren't sci-fi. You can find all sorts of teleportation lore in ancient myths and stories... This point might seem trifle, but I expected a sciecne-fiction story when I laid my eyes on this. Others will be as well.
And as for the description of the enphant. Don't just tell us what it is from an A/N. Describe it to use, draw a picture with those words you've beautifully written. The last qualm is the use of the dollar signs. Go for something more archaic, like gil (from FF) or crowns. You have a great feel going, its just an oddity to see American dollars in your world.
This is good. Some minor points on contention but that all. Keep it up!
A pleasure,
Hedgistar
4HedgistarSo far so good. The story is nice, seemingly well thought out and the plot development is carried out smoothly.
I have a few qualms, mostly small ones:
I noticed this is on the Sci-Fi category. I frankly think it shouldn't belong in Sci-Fi as there's nothing so far to prove that. It, IMO, belongs in the Fantasy category. There's just no Sci-Fi feel to story at all. And just becuase you're in another planet does not mean its sci-fi. Tolken's Middle Earth is in another planet, and that's not sci-fi. Even the teleportation stones aren't sci-fi. You can find all sorts of teleportation lore in ancient myths and stories... This point might seem trifle, but I expected a sciecne-fiction story when I laid my eyes on this. Others will be as well.
And as for the description of the enphant. Don't just tell us what it is from an A/N. Describe it to use, draw a picture with those words you've beautifully written. The last qualm is the use of the dollar signs. Go for something more archaic, like gil (from FF) or crowns. You have a great feel going, its just an oddity to see American dollars in your world.
This is good. Some minor points on contention but that all. Keep it up!
A pleasure,
Hedgistar
7/22/2003 c2 14Sorceress Myst
OOh! What going to happen next? And how did Kea come to be the leader of the bandits?
14Sorceress MystOOh! What going to happen next? And how did Kea come to be the leader of the bandits?
7/8/2003 c1 29MelodyReiterLee
Hmm.. interesting... yeah... who would want to be cooped up like that? Write more! ^_^
29MelodyReiterLeeHmm.. interesting... yeah... who would want to be cooped up like that? Write more! ^_^