for The Stepbrother6/24/2009 c2 
6KellyVirg
So, I just started your story and I'm really interested to see where you will go with it, but I have one critique. Your use of commas are all over the place and it is making the read very choppy and distracting. I'm not comma genius, but I know several rules and it's better to have fewer commas than way too many. Most of your commas are surrounding what you consider to be parenthetical expressions or appositives...but they aren't. You don't need a lot of those commas. If you want help with it, I will gladly read through the work and fix it. :)
6KellyVirgSo, I just started your story and I'm really interested to see where you will go with it, but I have one critique. Your use of commas are all over the place and it is making the read very choppy and distracting. I'm not comma genius, but I know several rules and it's better to have fewer commas than way too many. Most of your commas are surrounding what you consider to be parenthetical expressions or appositives...but they aren't. You don't need a lot of those commas. If you want help with it, I will gladly read through the work and fix it. :)
6/6/2009 c16 2JenRad11
So I really really tried to make it through the book. I mean it's a great concept and all, but I really can not stand the main character!
I mean maybe that's what you were going for, but she takes EVERYTHING so literally. I totally don't get why the dude is so into her! She calls her grandma a "bitch" I mean who can do that to a grandmother just cuz her mind's kinda going.
I'm probably totally in the wrong here since almost all the reviews I've read (and you've got 600+) are full of wonderful things about the story. I wasn't going to write anything about it, but the whole "bitch" grandma thing pushed me over the edge. I gotta say it's 1,0,0 better than anything I could ever write, but Jade is really bothering me.
(Looking at all the other 100% positive reviews though I'm probably totally wrong though and esp since the story was written so many years ago!)
2JenRad11So I really really tried to make it through the book. I mean it's a great concept and all, but I really can not stand the main character!
I mean maybe that's what you were going for, but she takes EVERYTHING so literally. I totally don't get why the dude is so into her! She calls her grandma a "bitch" I mean who can do that to a grandmother just cuz her mind's kinda going.
I'm probably totally in the wrong here since almost all the reviews I've read (and you've got 600+) are full of wonderful things about the story. I wasn't going to write anything about it, but the whole "bitch" grandma thing pushed me over the edge. I gotta say it's 1,0,0 better than anything I could ever write, but Jade is really bothering me.
(Looking at all the other 100% positive reviews though I'm probably totally wrong though and esp since the story was written so many years ago!)
5/25/2009 c1 Jen
Wonderful, Wonderful, Wonderful. I've really enjoyed the first chapter. You've reeled me in! However, I just thought I'd point out a small tiny mistake, it's not biggie, but I thought you would appreciate me telling you.
"Hey! I've just been . writer's block," Zach said.
^ that needs two other periods to complete the elipces.
Anyways, love it so far!
Jen
Wonderful, Wonderful, Wonderful. I've really enjoyed the first chapter. You've reeled me in! However, I just thought I'd point out a small tiny mistake, it's not biggie, but I thought you would appreciate me telling you.
"Hey! I've just been . writer's block," Zach said.
^ that needs two other periods to complete the elipces.
Anyways, love it so far!
Jen
3/11/2009 c28 xXAlexaXx
I LOVED IT!
IT WAS FREAKING AMAZING(:
SEQUEL:D
I LOVED IT!
IT WAS FREAKING AMAZING(:
SEQUEL:D
2/3/2009 c28 2Zephrie
Well the plot itself is well not bad.
But the way it's like,
I don't know.
The way you string the words together to make a story,
it just doesn't flow.
I know right?
How can I critizise when my work is worse?
But maybe I'm just a better critic than a writer.
And as a critic I help writers improve their work.
:]
Anyway, with editing this could be a great story.
2ZephrieWell the plot itself is well not bad.
But the way it's like,
I don't know.
The way you string the words together to make a story,
it just doesn't flow.
I know right?
How can I critizise when my work is worse?
But maybe I'm just a better critic than a writer.
And as a critic I help writers improve their work.
:]
Anyway, with editing this could be a great story.
12/19/2008 c28 liz
the story line and plot were really good and the ending was adorable. there were quite a few places that need work. like i said the plot was good and totally adorable, which is the first step, but a lot of the wording needs help and the grammer suck and a few of the chapters dont really flow. like the part with josh and jade in the dressing room, that was just kind of bizzarre and the way they were just like ohh, no big wat ever, didn't seem realistic or flowy at all. my suggestion would be to run it through some (meaning more than 1) editors so that they can help you polish it up.like i said it was just a suggestion but i think this has a lot of potential so i hope you take my advice. or at least think about it.
the story line and plot were really good and the ending was adorable. there were quite a few places that need work. like i said the plot was good and totally adorable, which is the first step, but a lot of the wording needs help and the grammer suck and a few of the chapters dont really flow. like the part with josh and jade in the dressing room, that was just kind of bizzarre and the way they were just like ohh, no big wat ever, didn't seem realistic or flowy at all. my suggestion would be to run it through some (meaning more than 1) editors so that they can help you polish it up.like i said it was just a suggestion but i think this has a lot of potential so i hope you take my advice. or at least think about it.
12/17/2008 c22 liz
never mind my last comment. i feel a lot better. but the first question still stands
never mind my last comment. i feel a lot better. but the first question still stands
12/17/2008 c21 liz
ok so really interesting twist i mean it completely caught me off gaurd and that like never happens. but how did 1)she not know that it wasn't zach's voice behind her. and 2)how did no one recognize josh that night isnt he friends with zach. just some inconsitstancies that you might want to look at.
ok so really interesting twist i mean it completely caught me off gaurd and that like never happens. but how did 1)she not know that it wasn't zach's voice behind her. and 2)how did no one recognize josh that night isnt he friends with zach. just some inconsitstancies that you might want to look at.
12/16/2008 c3 liz
thus far the story is interesting and i really want to read more. the biggest problem you seem to have is that you are missing a lot of words. almost like you were thinking faster than you were typing. i think i you go over the work and watch for that and fill in the missing words this story will be excellent.
thus far the story is interesting and i really want to read more. the biggest problem you seem to have is that you are missing a lot of words. almost like you were thinking faster than you were typing. i think i you go over the work and watch for that and fill in the missing words this story will be excellent.
11/28/2008 c28 Anonymouse
What, no sex?
What, no sex?
11/16/2008 c1 87Xara Nahara Campinelli
Very action-packed chapter. I enjoyed reading it for the most part. There is one sentence that distracted me, though.
"Jade knew she was surrounded like a wild animal and looked around for anyone else there was no one." - I do believe this is a run-on sentence. Perhaps it should be written like this:
"Jade knew she was surrounded like a wild animal and looked around for anyone else, but there was no one."
I really do like Zach. He's a sweet character who seems to care about Jade. Jade doesn't seem to understand that, though. I also find it interesting that you made the characters both interested in writing, just like you are.
87Xara Nahara CampinelliVery action-packed chapter. I enjoyed reading it for the most part. There is one sentence that distracted me, though.
"Jade knew she was surrounded like a wild animal and looked around for anyone else there was no one." - I do believe this is a run-on sentence. Perhaps it should be written like this:
"Jade knew she was surrounded like a wild animal and looked around for anyone else, but there was no one."
I really do like Zach. He's a sweet character who seems to care about Jade. Jade doesn't seem to understand that, though. I also find it interesting that you made the characters both interested in writing, just like you are.
10/30/2008 c1 unexpectedperson
uhmm, i just wanna ask if you're interested in writing a new romance novel about stepbrothers/ stepsisters? cuz my friends and i are really enjoying that kind of stories.
uhmm, i just wanna ask if you're interested in writing a new romance novel about stepbrothers/ stepsisters? cuz my friends and i are really enjoying that kind of stories.
10/25/2008 c28 5Whisper Rayne
Oh holy hell! This was so cool, only a few mistakes. I love the way Zach proposed to her. It is so breathtaking, but I think that this story could have continued a little longer than it did, liek more detail, not actual time. Anyway, this was awsome
5Whisper RayneOh holy hell! This was so cool, only a few mistakes. I love the way Zach proposed to her. It is so breathtaking, but I think that this story could have continued a little longer than it did, liek more detail, not actual time. Anyway, this was awsome