for Kyle Jameson5/13/2005 c6 
7Delphian Wyrd
ah..finally dack on..sorry i've been..erm..distracted...very nice ending..very twisted..0_o...
7Delphian Wyrdah..finally dack on..sorry i've been..erm..distracted...very nice ending..very twisted..0_o...
7/17/2004 c6 Person 26
REWRITE LAST CHAPTER!
KILL THEM IN A DIFFERENT WAY (THEIR CURRENT DEATHS ARE RATHER STUPID)OR GET THEM CAPTURED AT LEAST!
I LIKE THE STORY FOR THE MOST PART, BUT I STILL THINK THE ENDING REQUIRES SOME MORE REVISION!
I REALLY LIKE THE STORY LINE THOUGH AND THE "FUTURISTIC TRECHERY"
REWRITE LAST CHAPTER!
KILL THEM IN A DIFFERENT WAY (THEIR CURRENT DEATHS ARE RATHER STUPID)OR GET THEM CAPTURED AT LEAST!
I LIKE THE STORY FOR THE MOST PART, BUT I STILL THINK THE ENDING REQUIRES SOME MORE REVISION!
I REALLY LIKE THE STORY LINE THOUGH AND THE "FUTURISTIC TRECHERY"
7/16/2004 c6 Iceunia
Since u rnt updating any of ur other stories cept for American Empire i decided to read this.
AH! THEY ALL DIE! *tear*
ok, so yeah, this story was a bit short...but you wrote first person good.
Since u rnt updating any of ur other stories cept for American Empire i decided to read this.
AH! THEY ALL DIE! *tear*
ok, so yeah, this story was a bit short...but you wrote first person good.
6/17/2004 c6 17WingedAssassin
You could have worked a little more on character development, and your style could use some re-working. But overall, it was a pretty good idea. Would have made a nice action movie. I think you'd be good at writing scripts.
I notice you apparently have a fixation on the army. Try writing other genres. Spread out a bit. Good knowledge of army/weaponry/tactics could come in handy for *other* genres too. :)
Iceunia definitely talks about you a lot. Haha... *grin* Yep. ^_^
17WingedAssassinYou could have worked a little more on character development, and your style could use some re-working. But overall, it was a pretty good idea. Would have made a nice action movie. I think you'd be good at writing scripts.
I notice you apparently have a fixation on the army. Try writing other genres. Spread out a bit. Good knowledge of army/weaponry/tactics could come in handy for *other* genres too. :)
Iceunia definitely talks about you a lot. Haha... *grin* Yep. ^_^
4/14/2004 c1 hersheygirl389
you're really mean and your story sucks. if u don't like my story, don't read it. you'll notice that i blacked you from giving signed reviews on my story, b/c you pointed out all the teensy little mistakes in my frinds story as well as my own, and ... i hate you. well not really. i don't hate ne1, but you're pushing it right now. i can't stand ppl like you. if u see that there's only a prolauge, and you like it, then wait for the next chapter, don't send a mean review. i wasn't allowed to use the computer 4 a while for religious reasons ( i'm christian k? no that does not mean that i think that computers are the devil. it was lent i gave up the internet) and i hav some things 2 do everyday that are a lot more important than writing for pleasure
you're really mean and your story sucks. if u don't like my story, don't read it. you'll notice that i blacked you from giving signed reviews on my story, b/c you pointed out all the teensy little mistakes in my frinds story as well as my own, and ... i hate you. well not really. i don't hate ne1, but you're pushing it right now. i can't stand ppl like you. if u see that there's only a prolauge, and you like it, then wait for the next chapter, don't send a mean review. i wasn't allowed to use the computer 4 a while for religious reasons ( i'm christian k? no that does not mean that i think that computers are the devil. it was lent i gave up the internet) and i hav some things 2 do everyday that are a lot more important than writing for pleasure
3/24/2004 c6 4Blindfire40
Good story, but a little short. I completely understand the hurrying thing. I am relatively new to writing, and I am working on my first military story. I am in dire need of helpful criticism, so I would appreciate it if you read my story.
4Blindfire40Good story, but a little short. I completely understand the hurrying thing. I am relatively new to writing, and I am working on my first military story. I am in dire need of helpful criticism, so I would appreciate it if you read my story.
3/17/2004 c6 AJ
it was bad!
mor narrative
more chapters
MORE dialouge
less criticism
mwahaha
we no who you are
and you no us so HA
it was bad!
mor narrative
more chapters
MORE dialouge
less criticism
mwahaha
we no who you are
and you no us so HA
3/17/2004 c6 11The Rush
And they all lived - well, died - unhappily ever after. It was a good story, with a depressing end. Good writing though, and I encourage you to write more stories.
11The RushAnd they all lived - well, died - unhappily ever after. It was a good story, with a depressing end. Good writing though, and I encourage you to write more stories.
3/17/2004 c5 The Rush
Oh no! Poor Sarah, Alan, and...hang on - Alyssa! Wonder what's going to happen now? I hope that [expletive deleted] Hookerson is going to get his come-uppance soon! Going to read last chapter now.
Oh no! Poor Sarah, Alan, and...hang on - Alyssa! Wonder what's going to happen now? I hope that [expletive deleted] Hookerson is going to get his come-uppance soon! Going to read last chapter now.
3/11/2004 c3 The Rush
Very good - I'm really enjoying this story. I'm definitely going to keep reading this story.
Very good - I'm really enjoying this story. I'm definitely going to keep reading this story.
3/8/2004 c6 Mbwun
Quite good, a very entertaining story. The ending was very dark, but I think that worked well with the atmosphere of the story.
~He Who Walks On All Fours
Quite good, a very entertaining story. The ending was very dark, but I think that worked well with the atmosphere of the story.
~He Who Walks On All Fours
3/8/2004 c2 The Rush
Great writing! I'm going to hazard a guess that Mr Hookerman is the bad guy, here. Bit of a grouchy git, isn't he?
Thanks for reviewing 'Five Kingdoms and an Empire'.
Great writing! I'm going to hazard a guess that Mr Hookerman is the bad guy, here. Bit of a grouchy git, isn't he?
Thanks for reviewing 'Five Kingdoms and an Empire'.
3/7/2004 c1 The Rush
A very good start! There are a few spelling errors, but not many. The only other thing I would suggest is putting some more description in. Other than that, good writing.
A very good start! There are a few spelling errors, but not many. The only other thing I would suggest is putting some more description in. Other than that, good writing.
2/18/2004 c4 RCS
Not bad so far. I wouldn't put too much stock in mblack1470's inane crap. He's a moron, probably with a low opinion of his own talents. You're still in your mid-teens, so your potential has time to grow yet. It's rare that I read anything on this site from someone as young as you are who even attempts to keep to grammatical rules.
Now for my critique. Unless it's a unique style you're going for, try to maintain a unified point of view structure...that is keep it first person POV throughout or third person POV throughout. If you want to maintain the first person, then maybe in the chapters centered around Hookerson have the first person POV seen through his eyes (and you can further get into his depraved mind). Check out Mbwun's "Rise and Fall of Ethan Arcaneus" for, I think, an effective method of switching first person POV from one character to another.
Not bad so far. I wouldn't put too much stock in mblack1470's inane crap. He's a moron, probably with a low opinion of his own talents. You're still in your mid-teens, so your potential has time to grow yet. It's rare that I read anything on this site from someone as young as you are who even attempts to keep to grammatical rules.
Now for my critique. Unless it's a unique style you're going for, try to maintain a unified point of view structure...that is keep it first person POV throughout or third person POV throughout. If you want to maintain the first person, then maybe in the chapters centered around Hookerson have the first person POV seen through his eyes (and you can further get into his depraved mind). Check out Mbwun's "Rise and Fall of Ethan Arcaneus" for, I think, an effective method of switching first person POV from one character to another.