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11/5/2003 c1 53Impressionist
interesting. I don't know what else to say about it. It's very chopping, and the story idea is there, but very undeveloped. it's great to have an air or mystery within short fiction, but this just left ends untied. I'd challenge you to expand on this, and see where it takes you. also, move the paragraphs around a bit. they don't seem to quite fit, and that gives an amateur feeling to the piece. but other than all this, it's a great idea. keep atter!
7/10/2003 c1 1childstar
This is a really dramatic and powerful story. You use the repetition of words to create the desperate pleading of the main character and the structure is original.

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