for Storm of Dreams8/19/2003 c16 
203Shades Of Autumn
A!
*grin*
Good chapters!
You're really gettig into your stride, aren't you? I don't have many comments on these latest chapters, they're all really good. I love the Winter chapters, she's DEFINATLY my fave chareceter; I can relate to her cause I'm really just like her.
Well, keep 'em coming! Just one observation; you're on chapter 15 and we have some very well built charecters (something that I always have a problem with in my stories) and know about this evidently evil necklace that causes distruction in its wake. But, we don't seem to have much of a plot, apart from the 'Winter meeting Kyle' senario. Intresting though Kyle's memories and self-reproch is, the plot doesn't really seem to be moving forward a lot. It's not a huge problem, I'm hooked on the story, but you might want to consider moving the plot forward a bit more.
Thanx for your reviews of Shadow Spinner ^_^ I'm glad someone else apart from my friends are reading it!
Bye!
A. Autumngold
203Shades Of AutumnA!
*grin*
Good chapters!
You're really gettig into your stride, aren't you? I don't have many comments on these latest chapters, they're all really good. I love the Winter chapters, she's DEFINATLY my fave chareceter; I can relate to her cause I'm really just like her.
Well, keep 'em coming! Just one observation; you're on chapter 15 and we have some very well built charecters (something that I always have a problem with in my stories) and know about this evidently evil necklace that causes distruction in its wake. But, we don't seem to have much of a plot, apart from the 'Winter meeting Kyle' senario. Intresting though Kyle's memories and self-reproch is, the plot doesn't really seem to be moving forward a lot. It's not a huge problem, I'm hooked on the story, but you might want to consider moving the plot forward a bit more.
Thanx for your reviews of Shadow Spinner ^_^ I'm glad someone else apart from my friends are reading it!
Bye!
A. Autumngold
8/18/2003 c5 starsknight
OOh. I really liked this chapter. I feel like things are really beginning to get going. Until now, it's been like seeing flashes of various events and wondering how they all tie together (which is not a bad thing, so long as it doesn't last too long, and in your case it hasn't). Now I feel like things are beginning to draw together.
I wonder who the little girl is. I get the impression she's intelligent and perceptive, and I like her so far...but I also wonder about her involvement with the necklace and how she's tied to it.
A pond...a waterbed...nice transition. :) Don’t know if it was intended, but it works well. Replace “the rain that began to pattered down” with either “the rain that pattered down” or “the rain that began to patter down.” I like the way we move into the not-quite-dream at first with the rain that shouldn't be there because there's a clear sky. Nice and subtle introduction to what's to come. "It was clear, the stars dancing up in the black sheet that engulfed the moon and the Earth" is improper comma usage. Maybe replace it with "It was clear, and the stars danced..." or something similar.
"Instead of brown, wooden walls, there were white, smooth ones, pictures he had never seen before hung on the walls." I like this sentence. "Tinker slowly looked around, his eyes narrowed as he skimmed the room he stood in." You've got a tense inconsistancy here, easily fixed by changing narrowed to narrowing. Unless you're using narrowed as an adj here. You don't really need "he stood in"-that's assumed.
"It was then that he heard the crying." Great! In one sentence, you pull the reader in and give them a creepy sort of feeling. Foreboding. Especially as the sobs get louder and he gets closer. Interesting that the girl can see him and the father cannot. I wonder what's going on there. And how it ties in with the house (is he in the house, in another time?), and what will happen next. Good job!
OOh. I really liked this chapter. I feel like things are really beginning to get going. Until now, it's been like seeing flashes of various events and wondering how they all tie together (which is not a bad thing, so long as it doesn't last too long, and in your case it hasn't). Now I feel like things are beginning to draw together.
I wonder who the little girl is. I get the impression she's intelligent and perceptive, and I like her so far...but I also wonder about her involvement with the necklace and how she's tied to it.
A pond...a waterbed...nice transition. :) Don’t know if it was intended, but it works well. Replace “the rain that began to pattered down” with either “the rain that pattered down” or “the rain that began to patter down.” I like the way we move into the not-quite-dream at first with the rain that shouldn't be there because there's a clear sky. Nice and subtle introduction to what's to come. "It was clear, the stars dancing up in the black sheet that engulfed the moon and the Earth" is improper comma usage. Maybe replace it with "It was clear, and the stars danced..." or something similar.
"Instead of brown, wooden walls, there were white, smooth ones, pictures he had never seen before hung on the walls." I like this sentence. "Tinker slowly looked around, his eyes narrowed as he skimmed the room he stood in." You've got a tense inconsistancy here, easily fixed by changing narrowed to narrowing. Unless you're using narrowed as an adj here. You don't really need "he stood in"-that's assumed.
"It was then that he heard the crying." Great! In one sentence, you pull the reader in and give them a creepy sort of feeling. Foreboding. Especially as the sobs get louder and he gets closer. Interesting that the girl can see him and the father cannot. I wonder what's going on there. And how it ties in with the house (is he in the house, in another time?), and what will happen next. Good job!
8/18/2003 c1 1Kinoki
First of all i'd like to compliment you on your way of getting reviews (i scratch your back, and you scratch mine theory-love it) ;) well, i have to warn you, (CALM DOWN! IT'S NOT A FLAME!) you may not see my reviews as quickly because of my separated parents/houses problem, so don't get offended. I liked the story from the small summary alone! i'll be looking forward to reading the rest man!
1KinokiFirst of all i'd like to compliment you on your way of getting reviews (i scratch your back, and you scratch mine theory-love it) ;) well, i have to warn you, (CALM DOWN! IT'S NOT A FLAME!) you may not see my reviews as quickly because of my separated parents/houses problem, so don't get offended. I liked the story from the small summary alone! i'll be looking forward to reading the rest man!
8/15/2003 c15 Amaya
Yay! update again soon I like this story a lot. Okay that's all, Bye-bye:p
Yay! update again soon I like this story a lot. Okay that's all, Bye-bye:p
8/15/2003 c15 Aeitul
Evil, evil, evil! You leave us with a cliffhanger in the last chapter and don't resolve it in this one. Evil!
Not that I didn't like this chapter. I liked it quite a bit, in fact. I really enjoyed Tinker and Kahiki's conversation; it really brought them to life. Interesting that the necklace would take Tinker to see Kahiki again. I'm wondering why it would take him to a relative of its previous owner.
I'm not entirely certain about those last couple of sentences. "Then screamed" doesn't stand on its own that well. Then again, it wouldn't fit so well with the sentence preceding it. Perhaps, "She then screamed" or "Then she screamed." Of course, its your choice on how you want it.
Evil, evil, evil! You leave us with a cliffhanger in the last chapter and don't resolve it in this one. Evil!
Not that I didn't like this chapter. I liked it quite a bit, in fact. I really enjoyed Tinker and Kahiki's conversation; it really brought them to life. Interesting that the necklace would take Tinker to see Kahiki again. I'm wondering why it would take him to a relative of its previous owner.
I'm not entirely certain about those last couple of sentences. "Then screamed" doesn't stand on its own that well. Then again, it wouldn't fit so well with the sentence preceding it. Perhaps, "She then screamed" or "Then she screamed." Of course, its your choice on how you want it.
8/14/2003 c15 The Winged Reaper
Sorry if this is a little garbled but I had my wisdom teeth removed a few hours ago.
Even in my mind numb stuppor this chapter was good. The both of you are amazing writers that really know how to work together. this story flows flawlessly from chapter to chapter. It is so well planned unlike my spurr of the moment, no plan of action, totally random story.
Beautiful writing as always, I can't wait for the next chapter.
Sorry if this is a little garbled but I had my wisdom teeth removed a few hours ago.
Even in my mind numb stuppor this chapter was good. The both of you are amazing writers that really know how to work together. this story flows flawlessly from chapter to chapter. It is so well planned unlike my spurr of the moment, no plan of action, totally random story.
Beautiful writing as always, I can't wait for the next chapter.
8/14/2003 c15 14Storysmith
I think I'm beginning to get it. Why iddin't think of it sooner, I don't know. But, if it is what I'm thinking of, very creative. Good detail in tyis chapter. I thought the Peter pan conversation really added some life to the characters. There was one paragraph where it just didn't flow. Not to be mean, I only found the one, but just thought I'd let you know. It wasn't bad, just a little...broken. Nothing to worry about though. Maybe it doesn't bother you. But, it was very good and that didn't subtract from the story at all. Well, good job. PLZ don't take offense. REally. Good story, good plot, good characters. Wait, have i said taht in an earlier review? Oh well. Bye!
Katt
14StorysmithI think I'm beginning to get it. Why iddin't think of it sooner, I don't know. But, if it is what I'm thinking of, very creative. Good detail in tyis chapter. I thought the Peter pan conversation really added some life to the characters. There was one paragraph where it just didn't flow. Not to be mean, I only found the one, but just thought I'd let you know. It wasn't bad, just a little...broken. Nothing to worry about though. Maybe it doesn't bother you. But, it was very good and that didn't subtract from the story at all. Well, good job. PLZ don't take offense. REally. Good story, good plot, good characters. Wait, have i said taht in an earlier review? Oh well. Bye!
Katt
8/14/2003 c15 14DigiDayDreamer
Sorry I haven't reviewed in a while. . .
Back to the story. Hmm, Winter seems to have a liking towards Kyle. One good turn deserves another. ^_^ Those boys deserved to be treated like the babies they are.
Kahiki and Tinker don't seem to be getting along so well. I wonder about the funny conversation, though. Peter Pan and Tinkerbell. Hmm, good use of allusion, I might say.
Well, things are getting more suspenseful by each chapter. Keep up this great sense of quality!
Spell ya later!
14DigiDayDreamerSorry I haven't reviewed in a while. . .
Back to the story. Hmm, Winter seems to have a liking towards Kyle. One good turn deserves another. ^_^ Those boys deserved to be treated like the babies they are.
Kahiki and Tinker don't seem to be getting along so well. I wonder about the funny conversation, though. Peter Pan and Tinkerbell. Hmm, good use of allusion, I might say.
Well, things are getting more suspenseful by each chapter. Keep up this great sense of quality!
Spell ya later!
8/14/2003 c15 36MoonLitDemon
Peter Pan... Tinkerbell... hehe. Tinker is beginning to get oddly violent. Stop the violence! Destroy the necklace while you can! Look at what it did to little Kyle! Anyway, you said that you wanted to know who my favorite character was... it's Kyle, if you can't tell. Hehe. Well, update soon!
Megan
36MoonLitDemonPeter Pan... Tinkerbell... hehe. Tinker is beginning to get oddly violent. Stop the violence! Destroy the necklace while you can! Look at what it did to little Kyle! Anyway, you said that you wanted to know who my favorite character was... it's Kyle, if you can't tell. Hehe. Well, update soon!
Megan
8/14/2003 c14 MoonLitDemon
Aw. We all know that Kyle is really a soft, shy cutie at heart. I am glad that he decided to soften up to Winter. So, all will be explained? I look forward to it.
Megan
Aw. We all know that Kyle is really a soft, shy cutie at heart. I am glad that he decided to soften up to Winter. So, all will be explained? I look forward to it.
Megan
8/14/2003 c13 MoonLitDemon
It's tainting little Tinker! I like Tinker! The necklace must die! Just a little comment, this reminds me of LOTR, with Gollum and Frodo. I just thought it was similar. You are a very talented writer, you know...
Megan
It's tainting little Tinker! I like Tinker! The necklace must die! Just a little comment, this reminds me of LOTR, with Gollum and Frodo. I just thought it was similar. You are a very talented writer, you know...
Megan
8/14/2003 c12 MoonLitDemon
Ugh... I think I'm addicted to this story... Wow, Kyle is a little violent, isn't he? I like the foreshadowing, again, you are really good at this, and nice chapter.
Megan
Ugh... I think I'm addicted to this story... Wow, Kyle is a little violent, isn't he? I like the foreshadowing, again, you are really good at this, and nice chapter.
Megan
8/14/2003 c11 MoonLitDemon
They finally meet. Interesting... I suppose that I wouldn't want anyone in my house if I were a ghost, so I can understand the glaring... I can't wait to see how this goes...
Megan
They finally meet. Interesting... I suppose that I wouldn't want anyone in my house if I were a ghost, so I can understand the glaring... I can't wait to see how this goes...
Megan
8/14/2003 c10 MoonLitDemon
I hope I am not being annoying... my reviews aren't exactly helpful... just my thoughts on your story... So, I am still slightly perplexed about how Kyle died... but this new development, about him wanting and despising the necklace is quite interesting... I like the way that you offer up enough information, but keep the reader thirsting for more all the same.
Megan
I hope I am not being annoying... my reviews aren't exactly helpful... just my thoughts on your story... So, I am still slightly perplexed about how Kyle died... but this new development, about him wanting and despising the necklace is quite interesting... I like the way that you offer up enough information, but keep the reader thirsting for more all the same.
Megan
8/14/2003 c9 MoonLitDemon
So... that will settle a little strangely... he just picks up a little girl in the pouring rain? Well, the necklace shows you what's happening in the world around you, I presume?
Megan
So... that will settle a little strangely... he just picks up a little girl in the pouring rain? Well, the necklace shows you what's happening in the world around you, I presume?
Megan