8/12/2003 c14 SoulessFreedom
FINALLY! some SORT of romance, lol.

8/12/2003 c14 Amaya
I loved that chapter, it has got to be the best yet, a ghost sticking up for the person who actually isn't afraid of him and puts flowers on his grave. This story is starting to get really good and the plot is developing more and more. I just wonder how the necklace will be defeated, it seems to me that would be the only way to set Kyle and the other guy free of its controll. Okay i'm done, Bye-bye:p

8/11/2003 c4 starsknight
And now she needs to go back and get the backpack, and who knows what's waiting for her there...spooky. This almost reminds me of a ghost story, with the old Victorian house and the creaking swing and that cold, still, pond...beautiful image there, by the way. I love the way the water keeps tempting her, pulling her in and lulling her into this sense of rest. It sounds like something out of the Stephen King sort of books she likes to read. :) The pond also reminds me of the stone, and I wonder if they are, in some way, linked. The pond is cold and the stone warm, but both seem to have some sort of desirable stifling feeling to them-and they draw people in, bit by bit. And they're both blue. Maybe just a random connection, but that's what went through my head when I read this chapter.

On to my by now familiar grammatical comments: actually, I have fewer than in the proceeding chapters. Good job! I liked "In sixth period she was surrounded by a group of incompetent giggly girls who only talked about boyfriends, hair, clothes and nails." Maybe because I can picture those girls so clearly. The first thing that really bothered me was "The young teen." Varying phrasing is often a good thing, but here, it just felt like a bit too much. To me. Others may disagree. "...angry at just the thought" is a little awkward, as is "Engulfed in her book, Winter reclined against a wooden bench once she reached it and sat reading the words, leaning forward anxiously." This last sentence probably just needs to be broken down a little to make it easier to read. "She bit her lower lip and flipped the pages as the hero was put through the turmoil that the author threw at him." I love this, especially since she's about to go through the turmoil you're going to throw at her. :) My one suggestion: change out of passive voice. Final note: "She wasn’t hungry, anyway, she could stay out a while longer and explore a little bit." Replace one of the commas with a semi-colon-either one will do, depending how you want the sentence to read.

Thanks again for your reviews! And by the way, any constructive criticism (of any sort) you have for me is welcomed as well. I love it when people point out my mistakes.

8/11/2003 c14 10Taymarua
*blink blink*...oh my FLUFFIES! ^.^! i loved this chapter! Aw...is winter going to get a boyfriend of sorts? (not mentioning he's probly YEARS older than her...) but still...it so cute. congrats on another great chap.

8/9/2003 c13 Allegretto
That necklace is starting to sound scary...

And why don't you just tell us what Eric has to say! Ar, I wanna know!

8/8/2003 c3 starsknight
OOh. "It is...precious...to me." "My precious." Okay, so you may not have had a Lord of the Rings referance in mind here, but that's what came to my own mind, reading this chapter. It's really neat, the way he almost forgets Kat in an instant with this necklace around his neck. Anything that can have that effect has to be powerful-and it seems a bit sinister, too. The "numbing heat" is a great (and creepy) description. Tinker is a cool name...I like it. And so far it seems to fit with the character very nicely.

A few suggestions: first paragraph: you want "past" instead of "passed." "A light blue colored raindrop sitting contently at the end of the chain"-you should probably say "sat" here...your other option would be "was sitting" but that's unneccessary passive voice use, and we already know how I feel about that (although I do it often enough myself...). Either that, or "It was the gem attached to it that had initially caught his eye-a light blue colored raindrop sitting contently at the end of the chain...". Also, that sentence is a bit of a tangle. Maybe cut "originally"-it's really not needed, and the sentence flows a little more smoothly without it. In my opinion, which is of course never law. ;) "Rough" and "gruff" to describe the man in consecutive sentences kind of sounded a bit...awkward to me. Probably because they rhyme. Though they're both good adjectives for the character, maybe find a replacement for one of them-or space them out more.

"...thinking of his girlfriend" in your introduction of Kat also feels a little awkward to me. Maybe because it's just tagged onto the sentence as if to say to the reader "and since you didn't know this yet, Kat is his girlfriend." You might try something a little more subtle. For example, "Come on, man. Kat is worth it, he told himself. After all, they had been dating for two years now. A two year anniversary warrented such extravagance."

Of course, that is my writing style, not yours, and I'm sure you can think of something much more in line with the way you like to write, but I think you get the general idea.

How do you smack a piece of gum "almost nervously?" Either she's nervous, or appears to be nervous, or isn't nervous, but I don't know that I can picture "almost nervously." "...she shrugged uncomfortably,..." This stands as a complete sentence. Capitolize "she," and make the comma a period.

"knowing what he was doing" seems unneccessary to me. And makes the sentence harder to read. Sometimes less is more (and believe me, this is an area where I am constantly challenged to follow my own advice!).

"He didn’t know what to say. This was the girl he had shared secrets with, shared his bed with, shared everything with." Beautiful.

"She gave him a smile that was full of fake sympathy before walking from his house." Good as this sentence is, doesn't she feel any real sympathy for him? If not, well, poor Tinker! Poor Tinker in any case. But I like the scenario that she feels it's not "normal" for a relationship to have gone so far, while he plans to marry her in time. Neat reversal of the typical stereotype that you note.

"He never would have guessed that something so gorgeous could end up in a pawnshop and why anyone would want to sell it." The grammer again feels a bit tangled here. Maybe something along the lines of "He never would have guessed that something so gorgeous could end up in a pawnshop-he could not understand why anyone would want to sell it."

Whew! So that's that chapter. Hope you don't mind my pickiness on the grammer and whatnot, but if I weren't enjoying the story, I wouldn't be spending all this time writing reviews anyway! And you asked for constructive criticism; I hope this qualifies. Still not far enough in to have a favorite character; if I had to choose one, it would likely be Kyle, because of his devotion to his sister-somehow that came across very strongly, very well to me. But as said, that will likely change as I move farther in.

Thanks so much for your review, as well. You managed to choose my pet project, the thing I'm really seeking feedback on right now, so thanks. Good suggestion on the chapters...when I finish this and try to publish, I may keep them at current length, but for fictionpress purposes, shorter is probably better. I've started splitting the later chapters in half, but when I have time I may go back and do the earlier ones as well. Oh, and would you mind telling me (if you can remember) which parts seemed to "drag on a bit" in the first chapter? I might be able to either spice them up or shorten them, if I know where the problem lies.

Thanks again! Looking forward to reading more!

8/8/2003 c13 Amaya
Yay. You updated! I like what you have,Bye-bye:p