for Storm of Dreams12/12/2003 c12 
8DeeEe
Kyle is interesting a torn sort of a personality. I'd say that he had the characteristics of a gemini ;)
8DeeEeKyle is interesting a torn sort of a personality. I'd say that he had the characteristics of a gemini ;)
12/12/2003 c9 DeeEe
I'll say that all then new characters aren't really thrown in. I like the way they have been introduced one at a time.
I'll say that all then new characters aren't really thrown in. I like the way they have been introduced one at a time.
12/12/2003 c8 DeeEe
*sniffles* I was wondering what happened to the family. Strange how people tend to think of the same memories.
*sniffles* I was wondering what happened to the family. Strange how people tend to think of the same memories.
12/12/2003 c7 DeeEe
This chapter sounds like it could stand on its own. I little short peice which doesn't describe everything and demands the audience to fill in the blanks.
This chapter sounds like it could stand on its own. I little short peice which doesn't describe everything and demands the audience to fill in the blanks.
12/12/2003 c4 DeeEe
I think that feeling eyes on me is a common event, especially at my old house. It could be my age, about 14 then, or something else but now it's not so bad. Anyway, I like the way it's starting and can't wait to find out about the necklaces and how Winter is connected to them.
I think that feeling eyes on me is a common event, especially at my old house. It could be my age, about 14 then, or something else but now it's not so bad. Anyway, I like the way it's starting and can't wait to find out about the necklaces and how Winter is connected to them.
12/12/2003 c3 DeeEe
"His mind fogged with confusion as he though about the stereotype about the girl wanting the relationship." thought is spelled wrong...
I kind of understand where Kat was coming from and it could have been worse. She could have gotten the necklace and THEN broken it off the next day. But she should have done so before an anniversary.
"His mind fogged with confusion as he though about the stereotype about the girl wanting the relationship." thought is spelled wrong...
I kind of understand where Kat was coming from and it could have been worse. She could have gotten the necklace and THEN broken it off the next day. But she should have done so before an anniversary.
12/12/2003 c2 DeeEe
Isn't it funny how adventures and such always happen to the person who goes back to investigate. Silly Winter, I like her though. The loner aspect of her personality is something I understand completly. Even though I like to think I'm a rather social person.
Isn't it funny how adventures and such always happen to the person who goes back to investigate. Silly Winter, I like her though. The loner aspect of her personality is something I understand completly. Even though I like to think I'm a rather social person.
12/12/2003 c1 DeeEe
Umm... the last line seemed like the cliche sort of phrase. I think the prologue doesn't need it. The idea seems like it could be good, can't wait to see what you've done with it.
Umm... the last line seemed like the cliche sort of phrase. I think the prologue doesn't need it. The idea seems like it could be good, can't wait to see what you've done with it.
11/26/2003 c26 6grenstar
Yeah! That was amazing! Man, you two rock!
I did notice halfway through the stroy the resembesence between Storm of Dreams and LOTR, because of the whole "the gem is mine" sounded a lot like "my precious". But, I liked that physcological idea.
I think you could definately eleborate more on the whole process of the destruction of the gem. You should definatly consider going back and thinking "How can I expand this idea or this scene?" Oh, I just remebered another thing that reminded me LOTR: the whole "it can only be destroyed where it was made thing," which was cool. I think I would like to hear from Tinker more. He as not my favorite character (I actually liked Winter and Kyle), but the whole dream thing is really neat and I think a closer look on that aspect would enrich the story. At times I was upset that people would die, like Tinker or Kahiki, but I'm so glad they didn't! Ok, gosh, that was just so griping!
6grenstarYeah! That was amazing! Man, you two rock!
I did notice halfway through the stroy the resembesence between Storm of Dreams and LOTR, because of the whole "the gem is mine" sounded a lot like "my precious". But, I liked that physcological idea.
I think you could definately eleborate more on the whole process of the destruction of the gem. You should definatly consider going back and thinking "How can I expand this idea or this scene?" Oh, I just remebered another thing that reminded me LOTR: the whole "it can only be destroyed where it was made thing," which was cool. I think I would like to hear from Tinker more. He as not my favorite character (I actually liked Winter and Kyle), but the whole dream thing is really neat and I think a closer look on that aspect would enrich the story. At times I was upset that people would die, like Tinker or Kahiki, but I'm so glad they didn't! Ok, gosh, that was just so griping!
11/10/2003 c20 2Kertz
i would prefer that Eric be abit more doubtful on what Kahiki said to him, about the necklace and ghosts things. he seemed convinced by her too easily. maybe it's because that they were friends, but even so, eric should be more struggling to believe his good friend about something so extraordinary, or rather, bizarre. well, just an opinion.
2Kertzi would prefer that Eric be abit more doubtful on what Kahiki said to him, about the necklace and ghosts things. he seemed convinced by her too easily. maybe it's because that they were friends, but even so, eric should be more struggling to believe his good friend about something so extraordinary, or rather, bizarre. well, just an opinion.
11/3/2003 c2 1Kinoki
Hey, remember me? probably not. well it doesn't matter, you don't have to. it sounds great, and i'll try to read it everymorning.
1KinokiHey, remember me? probably not. well it doesn't matter, you don't have to. it sounds great, and i'll try to read it everymorning.
11/1/2003 c10 starsknight
M. This is really interesting. The necklace is really reminding me of the Ring of Power now, in what it does to those who possess it...or perhaps those who it possesses would be a better way to put it. Kyle's rage is well done, and frightening to see after knowing what he was like before. I think he is still my favorite character, though Tinker is definitely up there as well. This chapter brings up new questions, as well. If the final outcome of owning the necklace is death, as Kyle's thoughts suggest, how did Kyle escape that fate? Or did he? He has a grave, he thinks in terms of "since he died"...but then what is this existance, this presence he has now? And for that matter, how DID he get rid of the necklace? Did he manage to do it himself, to give it up, and is that why he survived, at least in a ghost-like way? Or did he lose the necklace when he died? And when the necklace is leading Tinker into this strange situation with Lani, is it already leading him towards death? And if so, how? I have lots of questions, as you can see. You are still pacing the story very well, however; these are the kind of questions that make me want to keep reading, not throw my hands up in dispair and say "forget it, I can't follow it!"
And of course, I wonder who was at the grave. Kahiki, or Winter, or someone else? And why did the family never go back, anyway-at least to visit the grave?
And why would the rain burn Kyle? That is a really interesting addition. OOh, neat.
Overall, this chapter is well-written. I like "Soft raindrops, daggers in Kyle's mind."
"Kyle jumped from his bed, the storm moved from his mind" is a little hard to follow. What do you mean by "the storm moved from his mind"? The storm all but forgotten? Or something else? The wording here allows for a literal interpretation, which I don't think you want.
M. This is really interesting. The necklace is really reminding me of the Ring of Power now, in what it does to those who possess it...or perhaps those who it possesses would be a better way to put it. Kyle's rage is well done, and frightening to see after knowing what he was like before. I think he is still my favorite character, though Tinker is definitely up there as well. This chapter brings up new questions, as well. If the final outcome of owning the necklace is death, as Kyle's thoughts suggest, how did Kyle escape that fate? Or did he? He has a grave, he thinks in terms of "since he died"...but then what is this existance, this presence he has now? And for that matter, how DID he get rid of the necklace? Did he manage to do it himself, to give it up, and is that why he survived, at least in a ghost-like way? Or did he lose the necklace when he died? And when the necklace is leading Tinker into this strange situation with Lani, is it already leading him towards death? And if so, how? I have lots of questions, as you can see. You are still pacing the story very well, however; these are the kind of questions that make me want to keep reading, not throw my hands up in dispair and say "forget it, I can't follow it!"
And of course, I wonder who was at the grave. Kahiki, or Winter, or someone else? And why did the family never go back, anyway-at least to visit the grave?
And why would the rain burn Kyle? That is a really interesting addition. OOh, neat.
Overall, this chapter is well-written. I like "Soft raindrops, daggers in Kyle's mind."
"Kyle jumped from his bed, the storm moved from his mind" is a little hard to follow. What do you mean by "the storm moved from his mind"? The storm all but forgotten? Or something else? The wording here allows for a literal interpretation, which I don't think you want.
11/1/2003 c9 starsknight
Well, it's been awhile. Sorry-like you, I'm doing a play right now, and you know what THAT can be like. At any rate, it's nice to get back to this story after such a long time away.
And the mystery is growing. I have very little idea what's happening, now-in a good way. At first I thought the dreams might be connecting Tinker to something from the past, but now it seems to be present...certainly if he saw the car crash on the news. And the connection of the necklace to all of this, and Lani mentioning her friend who "got to name hers"...an imaginary friend or someone real...? Anyway, I am definitely intrigued, and since today is Saturday and I don't have call til 6:30pm today, I think I'm going to treat myself to another chapter.
Now for the typical grammatical/nitpicky stuff: near the beginning of the chapter: "another like the serious he had been having." Serious? Or series?
You might italicize "true" in the first paragraph for emphasis.
"'Come on,' she said to the fake animal...". I think "stuffed animal" would read better...but this may just be a personal thing.
When Tinker wakes up, it might help to define that he IS awake a little more clearly. I read the next several paragraphs thinking he was still in his dream. Granted, if I'd paid more attention to the "eyes snapped open" I might have gotten it, but as it was, I just interpreted it as "eyes widened" which could happen without him actually waking. So it might be helpful if you can insert a sentence that clarifies to the reader that he is indeed awake.
Interesting warmth from the necklace...I like that. I also like the way he only sees her when it rains...and her nickname for him. And I like the bit about her naming him.
The way she says "fink" instead of "think" is accurate and sweet, but it strikes me as odd that that is the ONLY word she mispronounces. Other than Soda/sorta, which I really enjoyed.
And finally: four feet? Isn't that a little tall for a four year old?
Well, it's been awhile. Sorry-like you, I'm doing a play right now, and you know what THAT can be like. At any rate, it's nice to get back to this story after such a long time away.
And the mystery is growing. I have very little idea what's happening, now-in a good way. At first I thought the dreams might be connecting Tinker to something from the past, but now it seems to be present...certainly if he saw the car crash on the news. And the connection of the necklace to all of this, and Lani mentioning her friend who "got to name hers"...an imaginary friend or someone real...? Anyway, I am definitely intrigued, and since today is Saturday and I don't have call til 6:30pm today, I think I'm going to treat myself to another chapter.
Now for the typical grammatical/nitpicky stuff: near the beginning of the chapter: "another like the serious he had been having." Serious? Or series?
You might italicize "true" in the first paragraph for emphasis.
"'Come on,' she said to the fake animal...". I think "stuffed animal" would read better...but this may just be a personal thing.
When Tinker wakes up, it might help to define that he IS awake a little more clearly. I read the next several paragraphs thinking he was still in his dream. Granted, if I'd paid more attention to the "eyes snapped open" I might have gotten it, but as it was, I just interpreted it as "eyes widened" which could happen without him actually waking. So it might be helpful if you can insert a sentence that clarifies to the reader that he is indeed awake.
Interesting warmth from the necklace...I like that. I also like the way he only sees her when it rains...and her nickname for him. And I like the bit about her naming him.
The way she says "fink" instead of "think" is accurate and sweet, but it strikes me as odd that that is the ONLY word she mispronounces. Other than Soda/sorta, which I really enjoyed.
And finally: four feet? Isn't that a little tall for a four year old?
10/19/2003 c2 1PhOeNiX02
Really good. It has nice description and I liked it. Now I'm just wondering what happened to Kyle so I guess I'll just have to keep reading.
*PhOeNiX*
1PhOeNiX02Really good. It has nice description and I liked it. Now I'm just wondering what happened to Kyle so I guess I'll just have to keep reading.
*PhOeNiX*
10/8/2003 c22 3theangryfeminist
I'm sorry I wasn't able to come back sooner. I've had some bad events recently (you can read my livejournal if you're curious; the link to it is on this site . . . don't want to waste your review talking about myself). And I also admit that I don't know what I'll do when I finish. I'll be out of stuff to read. Well, you do have other stories I can move onto. I'm always afraid of running out, though.
I can definitely relate to the uncomfortable silence thing. I can never think of what to say to someone I barely know. I'm really bad on first dates (thank goodness there'll be no more of those!). I wrack my brain trying to think of something to say, and then I realize I've been silent too long, and then I can't think of ANYTHING except that I've been silent too long.
The fact that Tinker could be anywhere in the world didn't even occur to me. I feel dumb now.
I'm very curious about Kira now.
3theangryfeministI'm sorry I wasn't able to come back sooner. I've had some bad events recently (you can read my livejournal if you're curious; the link to it is on this site . . . don't want to waste your review talking about myself). And I also admit that I don't know what I'll do when I finish. I'll be out of stuff to read. Well, you do have other stories I can move onto. I'm always afraid of running out, though.
I can definitely relate to the uncomfortable silence thing. I can never think of what to say to someone I barely know. I'm really bad on first dates (thank goodness there'll be no more of those!). I wrack my brain trying to think of something to say, and then I realize I've been silent too long, and then I can't think of ANYTHING except that I've been silent too long.
The fact that Tinker could be anywhere in the world didn't even occur to me. I feel dumb now.
I'm very curious about Kira now.