8/9/2005 c4 11Robynbird
'His last sight before he fell unconscious was the soulless man nod satisfactorily, and then Umbra lost consciousness.'

That sentence could use work. Its repetative. But otherwise, good chapter.

8/9/2005 c1 Robynbird
Wow. This is a great start to what I'm sure is gonna be a great story. Keep up the good work.

12/16/2004 c1 Rara Punk
You put a lot of words where they are not needed, giving an impression of repetition. It also detracts from the point of your sentences

“he attempted what he never had dared risk before.” ‘he attempted what he never risked before’ – be more exact. Chose the best word to suit and keep it simple.

“He had no choice but to go ahead through with the plan.” – its either ‘go ahead’ or ‘go through’, it can’t be both.

8

This paragraph needs re-rewriting.

“Although the labyrinth the boy ran through was merely one hall of many intersecting corridors, all alike in their bleak black walls and reflective floors, he ran through the maze with more confidence than his pursuers. He had imprinted this trail into his memory, just like he had each time he had been led off the Manor Proper, and this had been his most treasured path of all.” – Chop out many of the words. Here is how I would do it – you can use it for a starting place if you want. ‘The labyrinth the boy ran through was a hall of hundreds (how many is many to the boy or you? Tens, hundreds, thousands?) of identical intersecting corridors with black walls and reflective floors. He ran through the maze with more confidence than his pursuers as he had imprinted the trail (‘this trail – might be better phrased here as ‘escape route’ or something) into memory, just like he had each time he had been led off the Manor Proper. The corridors he passed through now had been his most treasured path of all.’

8

One or more…?

Unless of course the (one) to help him had lied… but (they) had thrown their chip in with his, so the boy admitted there was little he could do to worry about that. – One suddenly becomes ‘they’ – more than one.‘so the boy knew there was no use in worrying, he could little do about it.’ – There are many places where you need to rearrange the sentences to make them stronger and clearer.

8

Dice = more than one die. (and wouldn’t it just have that more symbolic impact if you write ‘Even if he worried, the die had already been cast…’)

8

“The sentence kept crashing in through his ears, the noiseless phrase stabbing into his mind” – You could repeat the phrase here in italics – it would give it more impact.

8

I do like the idea you have here – I would read on, but to fix up your language a bit. You have the right words and descriptions – I have no problem ‘seeing’ the story – you just need to improve it so it reads more comfortably. It otherwise detracts from a promising story.

-Keep writing!

9/12/2004 c4 148Moroni of the Mount of Ro
I hope your move went well! Yay! New chapters! ::dances:: I'm so excited!
"His ears told him nothing broke the eerie silence other then his own heavy footsteps"
The "Then" should be "than"
"his eyes reported nothing more frightening then vague shadows spilling over the ground in the light of the solitary moon"
Again, "then" should be "than"
Holy crap . . . THIS IS SO COOL! *_*
Wow . . . That's really . . . Interesting. I can't wait for the next chapter! Yay! Thanks for the reviews on Greava . . . I think I might actually combine some chapters . . . ::sigh:: I only have ideas for a few more chapters, then I'm stuck. Well, I have an idea . . . But the idea is millions of miles away from where I am now. Oh well! I'm just winging it, after all . . .
Anyways, keep up the good work! This is my favorite story of yours right now!

9/12/2004 c4 29amazingblazes
Wow...great chapter. I really love reading your fight scenes, you rock at them. Please update soon, I don't know if I can wait another three months for the answer to the cliffhanger!

7/26/2004 c3 148Moroni of the Mount of Ro
::Fires of Hades Blaze in Eyes:: How . . . dare . . . you . . . leave . . . me . . . in . . . such . . . SUSPENSE! ::bursts into tears::
Kryst: ::points and laughs::
Joe Camel: ::falls out of the sky on top of Kryst::
Kryst: . . .
Me: Karma.
Anywhoo . . . Same goes for you. If you drop this story, I'll be forced to stalk you until I find out what happens!

7/26/2004 c1 Moroni of the Mount of Ro
OMG! O.O! This is so exciting! I'm glad I'm finally here to review some of your stories . . . Especially after all you did for me in Greava! ^_^ It's a bit slow going in the world of Greava these days . . . only one page of chapter 8 written now . . . But anyways, back to your story! I can't wait for the next chapter! ::scurries off to read it::