for Assassin9/3/2006 c1 
1InvenT
it was a pretty good plotline, maybe use a little more description and work on stronger sentence structure.
He is on a job for Nanotech, a medical company. He switches to night vision, causing the nearby streetlight to explode with light. He is looking for an individual named David Armorey, a computer hacker. He waits for his eyes to adjust to the brightened night. He is on the rooftop of the store that Armorey works in. He notices movement on the street below. He zooms in and sees a balding fat man calling a cab...
your continual use of "he" and having the same sentence structure can quickly kill the good plot that you seem to be developing. just a thought though
1InvenTit was a pretty good plotline, maybe use a little more description and work on stronger sentence structure.
He is on a job for Nanotech, a medical company. He switches to night vision, causing the nearby streetlight to explode with light. He is looking for an individual named David Armorey, a computer hacker. He waits for his eyes to adjust to the brightened night. He is on the rooftop of the store that Armorey works in. He notices movement on the street below. He zooms in and sees a balding fat man calling a cab...
your continual use of "he" and having the same sentence structure can quickly kill the good plot that you seem to be developing. just a thought though
5/1/2005 c1 1lucelombra
I think this could be a lot stronger if you left out some of the backstory about Nanotech, why Dante is after the guy, etc...It takes away from what I think your focus is-Dante.
It's a good concept. Pretty cool stuff.
1lucelombraI think this could be a lot stronger if you left out some of the backstory about Nanotech, why Dante is after the guy, etc...It takes away from what I think your focus is-Dante.
It's a good concept. Pretty cool stuff.
2/14/2005 c1 2Jade Althea
Dante? hey! that's from DMC! SWEET! of course Dante is a real name! so yay! great job I really thought that it was cool. NICE DUDE!
2Jade AltheaDante? hey! that's from DMC! SWEET! of course Dante is a real name! so yay! great job I really thought that it was cool. NICE DUDE!
8/11/2003 c1 Mx3
That was really good. You have a very beautiful writing style _ and the story was cool. Dante reminded me of the Dante from the Devil May Cry series... ^_^; PS2 game.
All in all, I really liked it. Violence = good.
That was really good. You have a very beautiful writing style _ and the story was cool. Dante reminded me of the Dante from the Devil May Cry series... ^_^; PS2 game.
All in all, I really liked it. Violence = good.
8/10/2003 c1 8binksbabe2001
It was a little graphic for my tastes, but it's not your fault.
Some grammatical things were really bugging me. First of all, you need to break up the second paragraph by starting a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker. Secondly, You have a few places where there are end quotes and beginning quotes right next to each other. Technically, that's wrong. What you can do: either insert a sentence between the quotes or take both of the quotes out completely. I realize that you're trying to get a pause in those places. Where it says "'I, I don't know.''I'm just a store cashier'" you can say "'I, I don't know; I'm just a store cashier." Where you say "'Gene manipulation?''What kind of gene manipulation?'" you can just take out the quotes in the middle and still have the same effect: "'Gene manipulation? What kind of gene manipulation?'" That's about all.
8binksbabe2001It was a little graphic for my tastes, but it's not your fault.
Some grammatical things were really bugging me. First of all, you need to break up the second paragraph by starting a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker. Secondly, You have a few places where there are end quotes and beginning quotes right next to each other. Technically, that's wrong. What you can do: either insert a sentence between the quotes or take both of the quotes out completely. I realize that you're trying to get a pause in those places. Where it says "'I, I don't know.''I'm just a store cashier'" you can say "'I, I don't know; I'm just a store cashier." Where you say "'Gene manipulation?''What kind of gene manipulation?'" you can just take out the quotes in the middle and still have the same effect: "'Gene manipulation? What kind of gene manipulation?'" That's about all.