8/27/2003 c4 RainShadow2005
Hey, this story is good so far. Can I make two suggestions that could help you improve your story, though? The first one is that you keep switching from past to present tense, sometimes in the same paragraph. You talk about how one of your characters did something, as if they have already done it and are now talking about it, then the next sentence they are doing something, as if it’s happening right this very instant. An example is if someone got in the shower and begins to wash up. Usually a story is easier to read if you choose one tense and stick to it. Have they already done it or are they doing it as we read?

The second suggestion is this: You’re writing your story in first person. Cool, I love to write in first person. The thing is that some bits of information are hard to inject into the story as just simply knowledge and you have to be careful how you introduce that stuff. You’re writing as if you’re in the character’s brain.

“I, Trinity, a tall 17 year old girl, stood at the window waiting for Sean. My shoulder length blonde hair with blue streaks was pulled up into a pony tail. My green eyes sparkled with anticipation.”

When writing in first person, it’s best to remember that people don’t spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about their physical attributes unless they are calling to attention how it differs from someone else, it's so far from the norm that it affects their feelings about themselves, or they are looking in the mirror in pensive thought. As Trinity impatiently awaits her late boyfriend, with no one else around her, I doubt her thoughts would be on how tall she is, how long or what color her hair is, or what color her eyes are. This is unless these things somehow made her boyfriend late, she caught sight of herself in a reflective surface, someone else is staring at her to make her self conscious, or her long hair is making her hot.

The way I get around this is to, well as I mentioned, make the character compare themselves to someone else or just pull the bits of info into the story as they become relevant to the plot. The great thing about your story is that you have it from so many points of view. While people don’t constantly assess themselves, they do look at other people that way. Why don’t you have one of the other characters talk about Trinity’s appearance, instead? It would seem perfectly natural then.

Oh, there is one more thing. You had Trinity refer to one of her friends as Tara Ashton. If they knew each other since they were little, wouldn’t they be on a first name basis? The last name sort of comes off as irrelevant since we already knew it from the prologue and she wouldn’t refer to her friend with it if they were close.

Again, I’m no expert and I’m not perfect either, by any stretch of the imagination. I just wanted to make a few suggestions that might help. I don't want you to think I didn't like your story. I do like it, I just wanted to give you a heads up. I don't usually care enough to critique people's writing, but yours struck me as worthy. Take care.

RainShadow2005

8/17/2003 c4 11DreamNightmare
aw! i didnt no u got hit by the blackout 2! u n Xi...poor things...neways...srry i took so long 2 review but i wasnt home since fri

DreamNightmare

8/15/2003 c3 Xi
hmm that was such a short chapter! and how about a few lil details on about him? i dunno... i'm just suggesting...i hope i don't sound too harsh...

-MandaZ

8/14/2003 c3 11DreamNightmare
im srry but his girlfriend is a bitch lol...i hadda say that...neways rite more :)

DreamNightmare

8/13/2003 c2 2Zero2K3
Hey! I like your new story! the prologe is the thing that drawed me into the story. very neat, and keep up the good work!