for Origins4/30/2021 c1 santosjudy437
I like the characters, I love the plot and everything about this book. Good job writer! If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on NovelStar, just submit your story to or
I like the characters, I love the plot and everything about this book. Good job writer! If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on NovelStar, just submit your story to or
6/14/2009 c1 Brenda Agaro
I love all your western pieces. They're amazing, especially this one. Great characterization.
I love all your western pieces. They're amazing, especially this one. Great characterization.
12/18/2003 c1 
11Sock
I like this. But there's one thing. At the end, one of the last lines goes "would be guarded by their best men long after the men"-That seems a bit redundant and doesn't flow well. It would work better if you used a different word instead of "men" for one of those two parts. Other than that, everyone else has said pretty much everything else.
11SockI like this. But there's one thing. At the end, one of the last lines goes "would be guarded by their best men long after the men"-That seems a bit redundant and doesn't flow well. It would work better if you used a different word instead of "men" for one of those two parts. Other than that, everyone else has said pretty much everything else.
12/13/2003 c1 27aspenjerome
The science of your piece is bit a skittish - it's talked around more than its talked about. Amd for the opening chapter of a science fiction piece, it bogs down surprisingly fast with unneeded, perfunctory dialogue. The best image of the entire piece is right in the beginning - the shot of Kerrigan see the clock tower through the haze.
27aspenjeromeThe science of your piece is bit a skittish - it's talked around more than its talked about. Amd for the opening chapter of a science fiction piece, it bogs down surprisingly fast with unneeded, perfunctory dialogue. The best image of the entire piece is right in the beginning - the shot of Kerrigan see the clock tower through the haze.
12/4/2003 c1 27Electra Fairford
Oh dear...so this is how it begins. I think that I like Dead Man Walking better, but this is also very good. It depends where you go with it, if you write more.
You've done this very well; the characters are very believable and their interactions are faultless. Same issue as with Dead Man Walking, however: you don't make the reader feel the atmosphere too well. In the other there should be extreme creepiness and in this there should be an overwhelming sadness at the end of a golden age and great desperation as it crumbles, and something about blind, extreme pride.
Smaller things: Leigh seems rather flakey at first because you don't tell us what she has been doing that is so urgent; it seems like she's just a silly girl looking at a pressed fairy book in the lawn until the sixth paragraph. Also, if Hal is to talk so much about the formal couching of words and meanings in council, shouldn't they talk more formally in their scene (i.e. "You will forgive me, sir, if I hold the opinion that you, sir, are a paranoid lunatic." and so on. There's nothing wrong with overdone formality of speech because it is a good mode for sarcasm)
I like the hints at a completely alien culture; for some odd reason it reminds me of Ti'Ana's part of the Myst saga. It's well done, anyway; I hope to see more of the culture if you continue the story.
27Electra FairfordOh dear...so this is how it begins. I think that I like Dead Man Walking better, but this is also very good. It depends where you go with it, if you write more.
You've done this very well; the characters are very believable and their interactions are faultless. Same issue as with Dead Man Walking, however: you don't make the reader feel the atmosphere too well. In the other there should be extreme creepiness and in this there should be an overwhelming sadness at the end of a golden age and great desperation as it crumbles, and something about blind, extreme pride.
Smaller things: Leigh seems rather flakey at first because you don't tell us what she has been doing that is so urgent; it seems like she's just a silly girl looking at a pressed fairy book in the lawn until the sixth paragraph. Also, if Hal is to talk so much about the formal couching of words and meanings in council, shouldn't they talk more formally in their scene (i.e. "You will forgive me, sir, if I hold the opinion that you, sir, are a paranoid lunatic." and so on. There's nothing wrong with overdone formality of speech because it is a good mode for sarcasm)
I like the hints at a completely alien culture; for some odd reason it reminds me of Ti'Ana's part of the Myst saga. It's well done, anyway; I hope to see more of the culture if you continue the story.
11/7/2003 c1 21Topaz Waters
O creepy...The last line was absolutely chilling. Really, really creepy. Well done. But why is it in the Western category?
21Topaz WatersO creepy...The last line was absolutely chilling. Really, really creepy. Well done. But why is it in the Western category?
9/15/2003 c1 9Neon Tetra
I appreciate the quality of your style, though the story itself was rather predictable. That and, paragraph 52 was slightly confusing- did you origninally write Leigh as a male character? Also, is this a prequel for one of your other stories (Dead Man Walking, perhaps) or a one-shot?
You're probably very busy, what with the column and going professional and everything, but, if you have a little spare time, would you please read and review one of my stories?
9Neon TetraI appreciate the quality of your style, though the story itself was rather predictable. That and, paragraph 52 was slightly confusing- did you origninally write Leigh as a male character? Also, is this a prequel for one of your other stories (Dead Man Walking, perhaps) or a one-shot?
You're probably very busy, what with the column and going professional and everything, but, if you have a little spare time, would you please read and review one of my stories?