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8/28/2003 c1 7Fans'R Us
There are a few things to comment on when I have the time. Right now I am very rushed, but I have to say I like this. There are some grammar problems, and run-on sentences, as well as choppy ones. Just try to go through and edit, so you can make it more readable
8/28/2003 c1 2Ice-otter
I like your story but I agree with Moguo- you don't describe using all the senses. Also, your sentences seemed too short, and choppy. Other than this, your story was really interesting- I hope you are able to continue it soon.
8/28/2003 c1 1Moguo
You have a very interesting story here, a great setting and characters. looks very nice.

Tips: You did a good job with you scenery and describing it, however, you only have the image of the scenery, not the soul. In other words, you only describe what you can see, not what you can feel, smell, touch, everything about that moment.

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