Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Life

9/2/2003 c1 13EvigElsker
Liked the bit about Ghandi, very cool. disagree with some bits but still its really good.

-x-
9/2/2003 c1 3careless whisper
"The opposite of war isn't peace it's creation." - Jonathan Larson

It was ok, word of warning never use etc. in a poem. Throws of the entire flow the poem, makes it too vague. Believe me I have had many poems ripped apart because of my use of etc. It was a bit to longwinded for me, if you consolidated it, the poem could be spectacular. The style of poem you're going in for includes a lot of traps that can make a poem go haywire. For instance, there is that tendency to throw semi-connected ideas next to eachother because their inclusion of similar words. So instead of one line you get four or five like towards the end from "You can escape from the reality you hate". The sentiment is wonderful and can be taken to great heights. You just need to tweek things a little.

Cheers
9/1/2003 c1 8Furrtil
This would be better as prose. What you have is prose broken up into lines, and your thoughts and analogies are all intelligent, but as a poem, it is weak.
9/1/2003 c1 21Miamouse
This is your first piece of poetry? It's a lot better than MY first poem was, I can tell you that.

It's good that you have a message, and a goal in your poetry. The poem starts off well, but seems to slip as it goes on, and you lose the structure. Eventually (from "Music is another example") it descends into prose, and becomes less like poetry.

If you want some advice (you might not) then I'd say- you're using too many words, you don't need to use so many words to say what you're saying here. Also, your voice is eclipsing that of the poem, which might be what you want, or it might not.

I did enjoy reading this, I hope you carry on writing.

Mia :)
9/1/2003 c1 Opportunity-Rising
not as bad as u think. very emotive answer and easy to relate to.
9/1/2003 c1 12blackanarchy
that's pretty gd for a first attempt. :) but anws. it's kinda long. so it's gd.
8/31/2003 c1 hrs
that isn't bad poetry, its rather good.
8/31/2003 c1 10Annie Dova
true so true...and how is this bad poetry? lol ...its really cool how your opinion really comes out in your poem. its cool.
8/31/2003 c1 34nightmareslost
Bad poetry? This holds a hell of a lot more sense than any of my poetry put together. I'm definitely amazed by this. And yes, as NirvanaRephrased said, Truth IS good. :D. *claps* :)

-nightmareslost
8/31/2003 c1 44superfufu
ok i get the point, and reality is good. i do believe believing and truth are different. truth is good. ^_^ keep it up
8/31/2003 c1 37NailsOfNineInches
This isn't bad poetry. You just could've given it a bit more structure. Next time, try to write it like a song; with an identifiable rhythm. Besides that, great job!
8/31/2003 c1 47The intellect
this is good so dont get me wrong... this is your first poem right? wel i cant tel you this... the beginning was very strong, cut to the chase/ ill tell u what i want type of thing... then as soon as you start using music as an 'example', you seem tired of the situation and maybe even ramble... i think the beginning was very promising, keep writing, try not to get bored of the subject your writing about as thats wot it sounded like to me.

the intellect

x
8/31/2003 c1 119AntiPleasure
This is not bad poetry :) Infact you've made a lot of good points about the world. Well not "good things", but this is the way life goes. Nice work.

*Jenna*
8/31/2003 c1 31willowzbitch
really true in a very angsty and dark way, which is how it should be. i can relate alot to your poem were all sheep mindlessly following, one another trying to be better than everybody else faster cars bigger houses, new clothing. but the truth is were all the same were born into the world the same and we all leave the same way...we die. strong piece of poetry you should be really proud of it! more please.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service