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for A Faerie Farewell

9/11/2003 c1 Ashti
Kay kay, the rest *picks up where she left off*

Last two verses! Yosh'! ^_^

Seventh verse - the 'is' in the first sentence looks to me as if it were placed in the wrong spot.. but that might just be me again..

A bone instrument? Erm, *wonders* someone special's bones? *looks hopeful* Cause that'd be morbid, but sort of sweet.. But, of course, that's just me again too ^_^;

Wouldn't call it 'grasps' though.. Call forth, maybe, but grasping gives me the impression of yanking it out..

Last sentence of this verse is cool again, though :D

Eight verse - This one's longer than the previous ones again, which gets a bit tiresome when you're reading a poem. I'm not saying this HAS to be structured like all the other poems, it's just that a structured poem is easier to recite, remember, to recall.

Oh, and it seems weird that throughout the peace you use big words and then at the end write a simple word like 'through' in bad English as 'thru'.

Probably just sloppy, but thought I'd mention it :)

Like the last bit again, but then, I'm a sucker for visualisation ~_^ Still too long, though..

Anyway, on an overall note, I was gonna mention that I miss a last verse..

So far, you've been doing









While this makes sense too, and you could quite validly claim this how you want it to be, which is fine too, I was expecting another verse ^_^;

Sorry.. anyway, I suppose I've bothered you enough for now.. Um, this critical enough for you? Even though some notes are just 'I'd have done it this way' instead of really, oh, I dunno.. _useful_ things.. ¬_¬

Yes, well.. um.. Enjoy?
9/10/2003 c1 Ashti
Well, you said to give a critical review, didn't cha? ^_^

Lemme give it a try then.. *cracks knuckles*

First verse - geography appears slightly confusing to me.. She's sitting in a dale, a valley, with woods surrouding her, yet she looks out to sea? This is probably not impossible, mind, I'm not saying that, I just have a bit of a problem picturing it. A river I'd manage just fine, but a sea?

Well, unless a lake or a river were called a sea there, but that's probably just a personal note..

Also, are you sure you meant to use the word 'titian'? It's not exactly a colour that comes alive in the moonlight, more like, is diminished I always thought..

After all, the silver threads of moonbeams don't quite go over well with the brownish orange you described.. Did you mean 'titanium'?

Second verse - While I must commend you on your rhyming, it appears the, what's it called in English, meter? is off. When you say it out loud, it doesn't quite.. go, if you know what I mean.

Of course the first two lines are shorter than the last two of this verse, but even the last two appear offish. It might just be because it _looks_ longer, but.. I dunno. Can't put my finger on it.

Third verse - I love the first sentence, it sounds überish ^_^ Well found of you, I say ;) The second sentence however, while still rhyming appears off again. It's too long compared to the parallel sentence above it.

The same goes for the next two set of lines, so admittedly, that might have been on purpose, but I'll come back to that at the end..

"Her with eyes of aquamarine, and his of deepest jade" Nice sentence, but the two comparisons get skewed a bit in my opinion due to the differences in the structure. "Her with eyes of aquamarine" and "his of deepest jade". Do you see what I mean? They're not the same, yet linked because obviously they're _supposed_ to be.

The first to last sentence 'darkest raven's wing' is a bit too much, as well, I think. Speaking about prose, I mean. :) When you say it out loud it becomes very slow and sort of trudges, which, while sometimes a desired effect, certainly doesn't appear to be what you're looking for here..

Fourth verse - *wipes sweat off brow* Nearly there..

No comment about the first sentence, it looks good to me.. But the second sentence uses the word 'stiflingly'. Yes, it is an existing English word, I know *grins* and I also know it's an adverb in this case.

But still, that sentence looks offish to me. Personally, I probably would have gone for something like 'the air hung stiflingly still and oh so stale' or something, but ignore that if it doesn't look right to you. My point is that I would have placed the adverb in front of a *forgot the word for that sort of word* oh damn.. uh.. well, _that_ kind of word, to make the words flow a bit more.

And the last bit of the sentence appears once more to get slower once spoken out loud or in your head.

Fifth verse - This was a mean verse, I thought, hehe.. The first sentence, again, is good, I like it, it's compact and gives information in a nice form, but then the second sentence comes and sort of.. er.. tramples over it..

It sort of gives me the idea of the kind of poems you find at Saint Nick celebrations here in the Netherlands, and, I'm sorry to say this, but I think you can do much better.

Well, okay, I'm not sorry to think you can do much better, but I am sorry to see that you _didn't_ do better here.. Um.. somehow that doesn't sound _much_ better..

The third sentence in this verse goes a bit too fast as well, and the last sentence, while it does make sense given some thought, is a bit disjointed, I feel..

Sixth verse - I get the urge to rap this bit for some reason, and I'm not sure that's what you want ^_^;;

Anyway, the first two sentences are mediocre, I feel, with the first being slightly better than the second, but the third and fourth sentence are worse, I'm afraid..

Personally, I don't like the phrase 'lover dear', but that's probably because with fae and fairies I expect something like beloved. It's something I always thought would fit in their culture, but of course, your fae's are your own and therefor not subject to any rule from the outside ~_^

The fourth sentence would probably be better if written in the other direction, making the and fear a more logical tag on than it is now, i.e. that you end with 'her face showed horror and fear' or something, putting the source of those emotions at the beginning of the line.

Last two sentences of that verse are okay, I suppose, not something I'd call great, but better than the previous two. I think it would have been better if the sentences were shorter, like say 'Alone she wept, alone on her knees, Shattering silent air with tortured pleas', but I would keep the second alone in the fifth sentence.

That's good, that emphasises. *nods*

*checks watch* Damn, class is starting, which means I need to hurry to get there..

I'll finish reviewing later today, hope this hasn't been too bitchy and at least somewhat helpful ^_^;

You did _say_ to be critical, after all.. *coughs and toddles off* Be back later!

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