for Trickster's Honor8/17/2013 c1 aylithe
OK, I read this and I liked it, but there're a few things which I think could use some improvement:
You tend to lapse into Purple Prose a bit. I think it would be better if you had a look over the story and shortened the description a bit; for example, the third paragraph in Chapter One can be shortened to half it's length, and the events would not have changed. A good technique I've found to spot Purple Prose is to think of your writing as if it were being adapted for either a film or TV; how much do you need, really? What can you cut out of the story which will not affect the overall plot? You also tend to use very strange words to describe things. I think at one point you call a hand an appendage, and eyes as orbs; this causes confusion. Don't be afraid to reuse words, just say "eyes" again; no one will care :)
Secondly, you tend to describe things multiple times. For example in Chapter One, you tend to tell the audience over and over again about Baldr's beauty. This only needs to be mentioned once, and bringing it up over and over again can get a tad annoying and slightly obnoxious. Another example is Loki's constant reflection on how superior he is to humans is somewhat over excessive. Instead of reminding the reader he is somewhat an arrogant bastard in this area (I'm sorry, Loki! ;A;), you can get away with saying, "Loki scowled at the man who had bumped into him" instead of "Loki scowled at the man who had bumped into him; humans were so clumsy, so careless it bordered on the point of idiotic".
Thirdly, when Chase comes in, you tend to jump around Loki and Chase's POVs without warning; I had to read sentences a couple of times before I registered the jump. This is an easy fix; just put a line divider and problem solved!
Otherwise, very nice! I'm looking forward to where this will go!
-aylithe
OK, I read this and I liked it, but there're a few things which I think could use some improvement:
You tend to lapse into Purple Prose a bit. I think it would be better if you had a look over the story and shortened the description a bit; for example, the third paragraph in Chapter One can be shortened to half it's length, and the events would not have changed. A good technique I've found to spot Purple Prose is to think of your writing as if it were being adapted for either a film or TV; how much do you need, really? What can you cut out of the story which will not affect the overall plot? You also tend to use very strange words to describe things. I think at one point you call a hand an appendage, and eyes as orbs; this causes confusion. Don't be afraid to reuse words, just say "eyes" again; no one will care :)
Secondly, you tend to describe things multiple times. For example in Chapter One, you tend to tell the audience over and over again about Baldr's beauty. This only needs to be mentioned once, and bringing it up over and over again can get a tad annoying and slightly obnoxious. Another example is Loki's constant reflection on how superior he is to humans is somewhat over excessive. Instead of reminding the reader he is somewhat an arrogant bastard in this area (I'm sorry, Loki! ;A;), you can get away with saying, "Loki scowled at the man who had bumped into him" instead of "Loki scowled at the man who had bumped into him; humans were so clumsy, so careless it bordered on the point of idiotic".
Thirdly, when Chase comes in, you tend to jump around Loki and Chase's POVs without warning; I had to read sentences a couple of times before I registered the jump. This is an easy fix; just put a line divider and problem solved!
Otherwise, very nice! I'm looking forward to where this will go!
-aylithe
6/12/2011 c1 Anon. Review
I really wish you would continue this story. I really have wanted to find out what is going to happen since I read the first 3 chs! I know it's old and that is probably unlikely but just wanted to say that. Thanks for what you've written so far!
I really wish you would continue this story. I really have wanted to find out what is going to happen since I read the first 3 chs! I know it's old and that is probably unlikely but just wanted to say that. Thanks for what you've written so far!
12/13/2010 c3 
1Qazsedcft
This is an excellent little story and I really wish there was more of it. I'll admit I've always been a fan of any story with Loki in it because... he's just plain cool but this really had more going for it than just the inclusion of Loki, I like the plot and the interpretation of the character of each of the respective norse gods and the little bits of humour are a nice touch.
Also with regards to WinterZ saying Loki was not the god of fire, this may be true but in both myths and skalds Loki is depicted as having the ability to use fire and the affinity to want to at any opportunity.
1QazsedcftThis is an excellent little story and I really wish there was more of it. I'll admit I've always been a fan of any story with Loki in it because... he's just plain cool but this really had more going for it than just the inclusion of Loki, I like the plot and the interpretation of the character of each of the respective norse gods and the little bits of humour are a nice touch.
Also with regards to WinterZ saying Loki was not the god of fire, this may be true but in both myths and skalds Loki is depicted as having the ability to use fire and the affinity to want to at any opportunity.
9/30/2010 c1 Arb
I have a hard time believing Loki would feel the least bit sorry for the gods, assuming this is post Ragnarok. After the unnecessary cruelty they put him through, I would think he simply wished to get away from them forever.
I have a hard time believing Loki would feel the least bit sorry for the gods, assuming this is post Ragnarok. After the unnecessary cruelty they put him through, I would think he simply wished to get away from them forever.
9/20/2010 c3 Wynter Z
Loki playing a lyre is reminiscent of David and Saul or Hermes and Apollo. Very nice touch. Loki is very much in the same vein as Hermes.
"The simple warmth of touching another human, of touching another living thing, comforted Loki on some deep psychological level he hadn't even known existed. He pulled Chase closer, subconsciously, as though the boy was only a form of living, breathing stuffed animal."
Yes, everyone needs to be held once in awhile. Especially dysfunctional, insane god-children. When Loki's guard is down he's really very child-like. Or cat like when he's all devilish.
"A dream. A bad, bad, BAD dream"
Elementally, fire represents will, which makes his imprisonment all the more awful for him. Your Loki is obviously deliciously insane due to his trauma.
"You wouldn't dare!"
Of course he would; he's Loki.
"If you wish to save them, you must learn to be one of them."
By them I assume an Aeser. He already gets the human side of things when he lets his guard down and isn't pretending not to notice. Loki has deeply ingrained trust issues.
I suspect you ran out of steam for this one, but I'd recommend checking out some of the Thor comics by Marvel and other related myths for some juicy plot bunny fodder.
Loki playing a lyre is reminiscent of David and Saul or Hermes and Apollo. Very nice touch. Loki is very much in the same vein as Hermes.
"The simple warmth of touching another human, of touching another living thing, comforted Loki on some deep psychological level he hadn't even known existed. He pulled Chase closer, subconsciously, as though the boy was only a form of living, breathing stuffed animal."
Yes, everyone needs to be held once in awhile. Especially dysfunctional, insane god-children. When Loki's guard is down he's really very child-like. Or cat like when he's all devilish.
"A dream. A bad, bad, BAD dream"
Elementally, fire represents will, which makes his imprisonment all the more awful for him. Your Loki is obviously deliciously insane due to his trauma.
"You wouldn't dare!"
Of course he would; he's Loki.
"If you wish to save them, you must learn to be one of them."
By them I assume an Aeser. He already gets the human side of things when he lets his guard down and isn't pretending not to notice. Loki has deeply ingrained trust issues.
I suspect you ran out of steam for this one, but I'd recommend checking out some of the Thor comics by Marvel and other related myths for some juicy plot bunny fodder.
9/20/2010 c2 Wynter Z
Well, technically Loki isn't a god of fire; the god of fire is Logi, who is a different god altogether. Conceptually, however, it works since Loki is very much a Promethean figure, stealing fire from the gods to give to mankind. He's a champion of the oppressed and powerless. And honestly, he's not really that evil; the whole evil bit happened after Christianity came around and started altering myths to suit their own needs.
"An insane smile perched on his features, seeming to fit there perfectly, as though this was the truth about him, behind all the masks. This insanity, this darkness, it was as intrinsic to him as emotions were to humans. He relished it, nurtured it, and only sometimes bothered to clothe it in sanity and charm."
Well years of being verbally and emotionally abused will do that. Loki has so much self-loathing it's just sad. So will centuries of torture. That's not to say there isn't some malice and viciousness in him naturally, just that other attributed motives without trying to understand. Loki's deeply insecure.
I'm curious which god Chase is. Heimdall? That would explain the hate.
Well, technically Loki isn't a god of fire; the god of fire is Logi, who is a different god altogether. Conceptually, however, it works since Loki is very much a Promethean figure, stealing fire from the gods to give to mankind. He's a champion of the oppressed and powerless. And honestly, he's not really that evil; the whole evil bit happened after Christianity came around and started altering myths to suit their own needs.
"An insane smile perched on his features, seeming to fit there perfectly, as though this was the truth about him, behind all the masks. This insanity, this darkness, it was as intrinsic to him as emotions were to humans. He relished it, nurtured it, and only sometimes bothered to clothe it in sanity and charm."
Well years of being verbally and emotionally abused will do that. Loki has so much self-loathing it's just sad. So will centuries of torture. That's not to say there isn't some malice and viciousness in him naturally, just that other attributed motives without trying to understand. Loki's deeply insecure.
I'm curious which god Chase is. Heimdall? That would explain the hate.
9/19/2010 c1 Wynter Z
"...where I must tolerate the hot breath of Odin down my neck continually?"
Oh, Loki, we all know Odin has the hots for you. Too bad the stupid gods didn't have a clue how to deal with an abused child and made everything worse.*sigh* Loki is the mythical equivalent of the scapegoat Azazel; regardless of proof he gets to be the whipping boy for the gods.
"Come now, Trickster. What fear controls thee?"
Oh let's see: centuries of endless torture, the brutal murder of his children, the abuse of this father, the murder of his lover, the constant cruelty of those he trusted... Loki should be a walking case of PTSD, and nothing is going to change the consequences of what happened. Loki will always be afraid of them as they are afraid of him; actually Loki's more afraid of them now, I'd imagine. Ragnarok is pretty much the result of kicking the court jester one time too many.
"Loki opened his eyes, eyes that were filled with tears. He was sobbing as openly as Baldur now, but the flood of emotion had not stopped yet, and he was not embarrassed, not even when he realized the arms holding him tight were none other than Baldur."
Loki's really a sensitive fellow under all that fear and anger. He's just really screwed up.
"...where I must tolerate the hot breath of Odin down my neck continually?"
Oh, Loki, we all know Odin has the hots for you. Too bad the stupid gods didn't have a clue how to deal with an abused child and made everything worse.*sigh* Loki is the mythical equivalent of the scapegoat Azazel; regardless of proof he gets to be the whipping boy for the gods.
"Come now, Trickster. What fear controls thee?"
Oh let's see: centuries of endless torture, the brutal murder of his children, the abuse of this father, the murder of his lover, the constant cruelty of those he trusted... Loki should be a walking case of PTSD, and nothing is going to change the consequences of what happened. Loki will always be afraid of them as they are afraid of him; actually Loki's more afraid of them now, I'd imagine. Ragnarok is pretty much the result of kicking the court jester one time too many.
"Loki opened his eyes, eyes that were filled with tears. He was sobbing as openly as Baldur now, but the flood of emotion had not stopped yet, and he was not embarrassed, not even when he realized the arms holding him tight were none other than Baldur."
Loki's really a sensitive fellow under all that fear and anger. He's just really screwed up.
3/12/2007 c3 eno
Author’s Notes: I edited this chapter, but I haven’t even started chapter four. Live with it.
I hope Loki catches up with you on a serene night...seriously, now update! you fiend
Author’s Notes: I edited this chapter, but I haven’t even started chapter four. Live with it.
I hope Loki catches up with you on a serene night...seriously, now update! you fiend
7/1/2006 c3 eno
love Loki and love the story.hate you for not updateing it!witch you must do or else i will sumon Loki and tell him you left his nice adventure in a cliffhanger!and he'll fry you'r ass. ;)seriously now, don't leave me hanging!write!
love Loki and love the story.hate you for not updateing it!witch you must do or else i will sumon Loki and tell him you left his nice adventure in a cliffhanger!and he'll fry you'r ass. ;)seriously now, don't leave me hanging!write!
3/29/2006 c3 SINESTRA
I don't know how to put this on alert, since I'm not a member of this site, but I wish I could. I always loved Loki, of all the Norse gods, and this story is fantastic! I want to see how it continues. I guess I'll just have to check manually. Anyway, great job!
I don't know how to put this on alert, since I'm not a member of this site, but I wish I could. I always loved Loki, of all the Norse gods, and this story is fantastic! I want to see how it continues. I guess I'll just have to check manually. Anyway, great job!
11/10/2005 c3 Caprice Brain
This is the best thing I've read in a long time. I hope you'll continue it.
This is the best thing I've read in a long time. I hope you'll continue it.
6/28/2005 c3 ladyvirgo
Lovely fic. I try not to go into a rant, but really this was well done. Your style of writing and way of portraying the characters is wonderful, update soon.
Lovely fic. I try not to go into a rant, but really this was well done. Your style of writing and way of portraying the characters is wonderful, update soon.
11/30/2004 c1 18The Fallen Caryatid
Wow...this is good, really good, so packed with emotion. I mean, I've always loved your stuff, but this is fantastic, so much more than your other pieces. (but that might be just 'cause I have a great love for tricksters) Bloody brillant, though. I've got to run to work, now, but I can't wait to get back and read the next chapters!
18The Fallen CaryatidWow...this is good, really good, so packed with emotion. I mean, I've always loved your stuff, but this is fantastic, so much more than your other pieces. (but that might be just 'cause I have a great love for tricksters) Bloody brillant, though. I've got to run to work, now, but I can't wait to get back and read the next chapters!
11/28/2004 c3 3Akari Neko-chan
Wow. Your updating skills may suck, but your writting ones... Seriously, you should think in write one book. I´m really liking this, you have the talent! I specially liked how you portraited every character and the mysterious tone you give to the history *trying to give some useful critcism*I hope you continue writing it.
3Akari Neko-chanWow. Your updating skills may suck, but your writting ones... Seriously, you should think in write one book. I´m really liking this, you have the talent! I specially liked how you portraited every character and the mysterious tone you give to the history *trying to give some useful critcism*I hope you continue writing it.
11/18/2004 c3 pleaseuseanothername
This is a fantastic first draft. The scene with the Norns got a bit incoherent and that started to lose me. But I really like how you ended this chapter.
The things I would look out for are your spelling, redundancy (mostly with adverbs), and that you don't overload the plot with unnecessary characters. I got that feeling when I was reading Loki's vision and heard Skuld talk about doing more than what Balder had asked Loki to do in the beginning. Besides that, I think you're doing a great job.
And yes ... yah for updates! :)
This is a fantastic first draft. The scene with the Norns got a bit incoherent and that started to lose me. But I really like how you ended this chapter.
The things I would look out for are your spelling, redundancy (mostly with adverbs), and that you don't overload the plot with unnecessary characters. I got that feeling when I was reading Loki's vision and heard Skuld talk about doing more than what Balder had asked Loki to do in the beginning. Besides that, I think you're doing a great job.
And yes ... yah for updates! :)